How To Know When It's Time To Take A Break From Dating?
How Do You Know It’s Time To Take A Break From Dating?
How do you know it’s time to take a break from dating?
We knew it was time to take a break from dating, when we recognized that we were just going through the motions with people and forgetting that they are human on the other side of the phone. Life has distractions and work is a big one but not compartmentalizing work from your dating life and allowing the work stress to spill over into a date is a GIANT red flag that showing you that you need to take some time to yourself before you can open yourself up to someone. We didn’t turn off our dating apps - we still checked them - but we distanced ourself from matching and communicating with men until we had better managed our stress.
Another obvious sign is when you start seeking attention from external sources - and when we say seeking we mean actually WANTING the attention. This can feel like “ooh, I want him to text me” or “why hasn’t he texted me back?” or even “whaaat is he doing that’s more important than responding to me?” or my personal favorite which we am too guilty of “checking your phone non-stop as if you missed the notification from him….” These are all signs that you are yearning for attention and seeking external recognition but the confusing part is deciphering who that attention should be coming from. We tell all of our AND, SWIPE RIGHT clients - dating is reflection of your own relationship with yourself. If you do not love and accept all pieces of you (even that one faint memory that you hope will never see the light of day again because it was so humiliating, you would die if people found out). ALL the darkest corners of ourself must be given acceptance and love to really deepen our relationship with ourself. Once we completely accept ourself - we can start to analyze the “attention seeking” feelings and recognize if we are seeking external validation (as in male attention) then that means we are desperately seeking our own attention and love. Our advice is to focus on 1-2 things every day that will keep your self love high. This can look like reading a book for 20 minutes every morning or right before bed, or spending some creative time with a coloring book, something creative that will feed your soul. Because when our souls are full with love and acceptance - we show up differently and that’s when dating starts to click.
One of the best gifts that our Founder & CEO Chloé found herself was the book she considers the woman’s bible. She was seeking solace and deep spiritual healing to help her move forward from the attacks she endured in an unhealthy and very toxic dating relationship. She was seeking solace and her intuition led her here. Dr. Clarissa Pinkola is an incredibly talented storyteller, writer, and Jungian-Psychoanalyst who beautifully dissects the female narrative throughout time while showcasing systemic ways women unknowingly reduce our value and shrink to fit into the space we’re allowed in every situation in life. Her book is timeless as she covers archetypal stories that are still present in today’s society. Women Who Run With The Wolves is one of our favorite books to suggest to our female clients. Dive into this female bible with our 20-minutes-a day-soul-fulling reading activity. This serves two purposes 1] you get through this massive book in a manageable pace and 2] this book will help to educate women on your inner wild woman - as you read it it stirs and awakens parts of your soul that are desperate for acknowledgment and soulful nourishment. Fair warning, this is a massive book (think 500 pages) so breaking it down into 20 minutes a day equates to about 5-10 pages but those 20 minutes will ignite your soul in a way you never have before.
Purchase your copy of this book here Women Who Run With Wolves written by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola
What do you do when dating burns you out?
We have a couple strategies we recommend employing when you hit dating burn out. First, take 2 weeks off. We don’t even open the dating apps, we turn off the push notifications and we completely ignore everything coming in from the dating apps all together because it’s easy to have one bad experience with a guy and think all guys are like that. But that’s not necessarily the case. So this 2-week dating-detox helps to reset any bad tastes or feelings that we may still be carrying from an especially bad date.
Additionally, at the bottom of this post we’ve pasted part of the script for our Dating Hotline podcast episode 03 - Dating Apps with strategies on how to protect yourself from falling into dating app rut. In case you are running into this yourself, see the excerpt from that episode below and don’t forget to check out Dating Hotline, streaming on all major platforms (We have 5.0 rating!):
When you come into a dating rut or a dating app rut - every person gets into them at different times. It doesn’t matter where you are in life, it doesn’t matter what’s happening in your life, it’s not a reflection of you, it’s just dating. Some days I have 15 guys blow me up on a dating app and other times I don’t get a match for days. That’s just the way it is, it’s the algorithm and that’s just the way life works. Also, I think there‘s a bigger purpose behind that because TIMING is such an important part of dating because if you meet the right person at the wrong time…. - ahh well we’ll talk about that in another episode….
But if you feel like you’re one of those ruts and or your profile is just not getting any action and you want to talk to people, here’s a couple of things you can do: Move your location and sometimes expanding your radius to include a couple more miles is a big difference. 2 miles to 5 miles makes a big difference or 5 to 10 miles. I don’t want you to change your radius from 2 miles to twenty because I told you so, no, please recognize that subtle changes make the biggest differences. Additionally, if you move around the city, you will match with new people. If you’re moving around the city on the weekends, or during the day and you’re on a sales trip, or you’re going on meetings, in your Uber, in your elevator, as you’re waiting for your order at lunch, get your phone out, start swiping. You’re in a new location and you’re going to be matching with different people. You are always in control of changing who you match with. Move you - Ok? You are where your phone tracks - so if you move with your phone you’re dropping yourself in a new dating pool. So what does that mean - sometimes it pays to go off on an adventure in a new part of the city - have some fun - start swiping while you’re doing it!
Another thing I recommend when you do go out on a new adventure and you met new people - you’ll be seeing some new profiles you haven’t seen before and it makes you feel like the city is less small - yes - there are new people out there. At times, it can feel like we’ve gone through everyone on the dating app and that just not possible. The city is so big - unless you live in a town of 20 people that’s a problem - but you live in a major city there are people to date. You just need to change up what you’re doing to get a different response.
You are the variable that needs to change. Your phone has all those details in it. So if you move your phone around you are making changes to your dating life. Albert Einstein famously said, “Repeating actions and expecting different outcomes is the definition of insanity”. And he couldn’t be more right. Do yourself a favor, change something up if you’re looking for a different outcome. Maybe it won’t work out, but maybe seeing if it does will be the best adventure ever.
The last thing I recommend to my clients is to Swipe Right more than you Swipe Left. In other words, say yes more than you say no. Sometimes depending on what we’re doing in the moments before we get on a dating app - our emotions can carry over into our dating life. This means if we’re out with friends having a good time - our good mood will lead us to say yes more than no leading to more right swipes. Alternatively, if you just got off a bad conference call, we might not be in the mood to be giving people the benefit of the doubt on the not-so-great dating profile and you might be a lot more critical and say NO NO NO to every person who liked you.
The point is, our emotions can carry over into our swiping and you can lose some quality people because of a grumpy mood. You have to remember dating is not a distraction tool - swipe for purpose.
On that point I usually suggest - swiping at the same time every day, this creates consistency for you - so you look forward to the swiping window but also keeps your attitude towards dating high. If you do it midday or if you use online dating as a distraction tool then you can easily burn out when you’re not getting that quick fix you’re seeking when opening the app. (Talk throughout the day at your convenience, but save the swiping for windows in your day - may be a morning and an evening swiping window - like happy hour but better. #SwipeHour
What do you do when you're taking a break from dating?
Focus on yourself. Take time to work on yourself and get to know yourself. I highly recommend reading - we can learn so much from reading non-fiction, change our perspective from self-help books, fiction for escapism, there is so much good from reading but I also recommend working with a therapist. Going to therapy doesn’t mean you’re broken or you need fixing, it means you see unhealthy patterns in your life and you want them to stop.
Chloé, our Founder, famously says “I have never been shamed for going to therapy but I have been applauded for my commitment to my own personal growth. My dates have appreciated learning that I went to therapy because they know that I’m working on finding my best self because that means they get to benefit too.”
Therapy is the best way to heal from wounds we didn’t know we carried. Dating & dating burn out illuminate to us our own wounds, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and even toxic defense mechanisms…we are a product of our environment and life has messy days. Going to therapy allows you the chance to check your baggage at the door and to not carry it with you into a new relationship. We recommend making an appointment with a trained licensed therapist who is equipped with the knowledge and experience to support you through your dark night of the soul and who will light your path as you emerge on the other side.
Our Fonder, Chloé, is studying a Master’s Degree in Mindfulness-BasedTranspersonal Psychology so that she can offer this type of deep, spiritual work to the AND, SWIPE RIGHT clients because she herself benefited deeply from the support she received when she went through her dark night of the soul. It’s a journey and each day she is one step closer to living her best life making this the best experience of her life. Aligning with your soul is one of the best gifts you could offer yourself as a form of self-love. If you’re interested in learning more about this type of Transpersonal Psychology work - psychology work with a spiritual aspect - get in touch with us. Chloé can help you or she can guide you to finding a licensed professional who will meet your specific needs. Therapy is nourishment for your emotional body but Transpersonal Psychology nourishes your soul.
- the AND, SWIPE RIGHT team
Are you interested in learning more about this? Do you have a question about Transpersonal Psychology? We want to hear from you, email us your thoughts, your feedback, and what topics you want to know more about. Reach us at info@andswiperight.com or leave a comment below. We love hearing from you!