Ep 01: High-Value Dating

Dating Hotline, a podcast presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT

Dating Hotline

Ep. 01
High-Value Dating

SHOW NOTES

- DATING HOTLINE -
Ep 01: High Value Dating

Host: Chloé Miller
Production: AND, SWIPE RIGHT
Show Music: Andrew Langdon
Transition Music: Nikolas Thorpe

Dating is a cat-mouse game always revolving around the chase. Dating gender norms are the rules that we play by and these rules are based upon human nature. When these rules are changed, how do you sustain the chase?

-Chloé Miller
Founder, & CEO of AND, SWIPE RIGHT

EPISODE DESCRIPTION

In the first episode of Dating Hotline presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - Chloé shares her thoughts on High-Value Dating and dating gender norms online and in real life. Plus, she answers two popular dating questions: 1. Who makes the first move on a dating app and in real life?  2. Who pays for the first date?

- LISTEN HERE -

TRANSCRIPT

 

Happy New Year, it is 2020! How exciting! Let’s start this new year the right, break up with what no longer serves you and elevate into better dating. It’s time to make space for a higher quality life, and that starts with taking out the trash. 

( 0:17 ) First up - let’s toss out old ideas of what dating looks like. Yes, there are dating pools and calibers of dating but I’m going to teach you how to move up into High-Value Dating. High-Value women are looking to date high-value men - but High-Value dating plays by its own rules. It’s kinda like it’s own secret dating club, no one teaches you this but if you know then you’re in...so your first secret is…Dating Gender Norms are the basis of High-Value dating. 

Dating gender norms have fallen into a gray area with the progression of old fashioned traditions converging with feminist ideals. While women’s role in the workplace was redefined, the conversation discussing the evolution of dating norms never happened. In other words, dating traditions that clearly stated men and women’s roles on a date are now anxiety-inducing moments leading you to questions like who makes the first move, who pays for drinks, do we meet there? 

Women’s rights are insanely important to me but when it comes to dating, let me be the first person to tell you DO NOT I repeat DO NOT interfere with traditional gender norms in dating. (guys if you don’t know what I mean when I say gender norms, I’m talking about which gender male/female should be taking charge in these situations.) In today’s episode, I discuss gender norms and I answer two popular dating questions….ya ready - here we go.

( 2:00 ) Dating Hotline Podcast music 40 seconds  

Welcome to the first episode of Dating Hotline, presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT the dating consultancy setting the standard in online dating. This is your host, Chloé Miller and I’m soooo sooo soo excited that you joining me on this journey through online dating. This will be so much fun. Ya know dating is all about trial and error but I think it would be better for everyone if there were some helpful tips along the way. 

So I’m sharing some of the most popular questions that need to be addressed. Let’s clear the air. I’ll tell you my opinion but I’m also curious to hear what you think. DM me - let me know your thoughts!

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( 3:11 ) TRANSITION music 32 seconds

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Dating Question One: When it comes to the first move - who makes it - digitally and IRL?

Ok, this is my advice for brand new relationships - this is obviously a completely different move when you are seeing someone but if this is a stranger and you want to meet this person - if you are literally seeing this person in real life with your eyeballs - both men and women can walk up and make the first move. 

As a woman I LOVE being approached by a good looking man, ooh it’s just the best compliment and it makes my day. But I also have no problem walking up to a good looking man and being like “Hello I’m chloé, let’s meet!”   I like seeing women make the first move, walking up to a man and start the conversation is attractive and that confidence is so sexy. In fact, I actually hear from a lot of my male clients that they would prefer to meet someone in real life and would enjoy being approached by an attractive woman who thinks he’s the most good looking man that she’s seen and she wants to make him hers. 

Guys- here’s a secret    EVERYONE - male or female EVERYONE wants to be desired and to feel chosen, remember that. It’s a powerful tool.

But when we’re talking about dating profiles matching and who makes the first move online - it should be the man. I know people will disagree with that statement with a simple 1-word response - BUMBLE. And to those people, I argue back that Bumble is a dating app that is good in theory but the execution of the woman initiating the conversation online is terrible. And actually, it’s the anthesis of a high-value woman. 

Dating is a cat-mouse game always revolving around the chase. Dating gender norms are the rules that we play by and these rules are based upon human nature. When these rules are changed, how do you sustain the chase?

When women make the first move online it’s 10x harder to regain your power in the relationship dynamic. From the beginning of this relationship, the dating norms are already out of place - and the early relationship days are when relationship precedents are set. A crucial time to show up the right way. 

In traditional real-life dating -  men make the first move and that’s for a reason. You’ve caught his attention, he’s interested, and then the chase starts.  The chase is a game of chess moves and each time a person moves the power shifts between the couple - who takes the upper hand.  Online it should be the same way - he likes your profile so he should have something to stay to start the conversation. 

However, when the opposite happens, and a woman initiates the conversation online it flips the cat-mouse dynamic as the woman is now chasing the man. And the second a man feels like she’s more interested in him than he is, he will move on to a different challenge - aka a new woman. Ladies - this is how we get hung up on guys who leave us on read…we got over our ski tips in our relationship investment and we started chasing him. A high-value woman never chases, she attracts. How does she do this? By staying in her feminine lane and allowing him to court her. When a woman starts the conversation online, she’s flipping the roles and courting him. Relationships that start off this way can be tricky to balance out later. The key here to recognize that online a woman starting a conversation on a dating app is taking the relationship planning responsibilities which for the first date, is traditionally a masculine role. 

If you are a high-value woman who can take on the masculine role - more power to you girlfriend but be careful. When a woman starts dabbling in masculine roles and taking on masculine responsibilities, you start to shrink the available space you have for a man in your life. If you do all the things that he would do, what role is there left for him in your life? I know you can carry your own suitcase, but let him. If he offers you his coat because he thinks you might be cold - TAKE IT, let him open the door for you,  let him be a gentleman because that gives him purpose in the relationship and a high-value man knows that’s how a high-value woman is treated. 

An inside tip - a high-value woman would never start the conversation online. She will wait to be courted and that’s his opportunity to impress her but don’t worry she won’t miss her opportunity to shoot her shot. 

Wait so you’re telling me it’s ok for men and women to make the first move in real life but only ok for men to make the first move online? Why’s that?  Because of chemistry. When you meet in person there are so many more factors happening in that moment allowing you to register so much more about this person than you get with a dating profile. When you show up in person there’s chemistry or there’s not. Going back to my example earlier -  If there’s chemistry with the man the high-value woman approaches, he will recognize that she’s high value and he’ll be inclined to step up into the challenge of seeing her again. Thus by default, taking on traditional dating gender norms - and the chase has begun. The confidence of approaching someone in person is so powerful. 

But when you’re online the only way to create the chase is through text - and we all know how many different ways there are to interpret the same sentence. Without the assistance of the IRL factors supporting the YAY/NAY vote in your head, your interest in this person comes down to what they say. It’s a much smaller framework to build desire and it’s best to stick to traditional norms and letting men taking charge to plan the first date. This sets you up for the best chances of building chemistry. 

Plus, this helps to eliminate wasted time on unrequited love - some people out there have no problem letting you love them more than they love you. Don’t fall victim to their traps. 

Ok, so what’s the take away on Question 1 Who makes the first move?:  In Real Life: Men & Women can both make the first move, and Online: MEN only. WHY: Because high-value men chase high-value women, not the other way around.  We want to keep the chase alive AS LONG AS POSSIBLE.

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( 8:24 ) TRANSITION music 32 seconds

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Dating Question Number TWO: Who pays for the first date?

He does. 

If you are looking for a high-value woman and you define yourself as a high-value man, a first date is your opportunity to IMPRESS each other, and guys, you should pick up the tab. Here’s why: 

You are taking her out and asking her to join you for your plans - she is your guest for the evening. Picking up the tab, regardless of the price, is still a flattering move and don’t worry she’ll notice. 

If this doesn’t sit well then let me ask you a couple of questions and you tell me what you think - 

Who’s hosting the date? If you can’t answer that question then let me try this one - who set up the date? Then, they are the host. And if you are the host, then you are responsible for setting the plans, making a reservation, confirming the plans with your date, and then picking up the tab at the end of the evening. With great power comes great responsibility. 

But furthermore, If you are in charge of setting up the date - plan a date you know you can afford and you won’t feel annoyed or irritated if there isn’t a second date. Remember a first date is a gamble - invest only what you’re ok with losing. For each person that will be different - maybe that’s a couple of cocktails or maybe that’s dinner and show. If you plan a date that was over budget and you’re not vibing DO NOT  let that show. It’s one of the biggest turn-offs when a guy expresses financial frustration from the date while still on the date. When you do this you are basically telling your date that she’s not worth the money you’re spending….lovely right? And more so - who wants to go out with someone who critiques them like that?!

So, here’s how I covertly test for those financial frustration red flags:

Usually, there are drinks - coffee or cocktails and after 2 drinks, I’ll order another drink but I only have 1 sip - I purposefully don’t finish it. Then, I wait to see his reaction. This is not about having had too many cocktails, but rather this is about figuring out his relationship with money. (the same could be done with a muffin or a croissant - the trick is to not finish the item.) Some guys have said “are you going to finish that?” and when I say no, they take it and drink it themself. Others have asked me, why I ordered a drink if I wasn’t going to drink it? And I’ve even been told “ well that was a waste of money.” So you can see how these men talked their way out of a second date. But for me, that’s a non-negotiable so a second date wouldn’t be worth either of our time. (also, bro if buying me a cocktail was a waste of money, my time with you is a waste of time. Byeeee)

But seriously, there’s a very real reason why I do this,  I once dated a man who was financially controlling, and even though the income flow changed over time, his control did not. When these red flags present themself - even if they are small in size, they grow into much larger issues down the road. So I created this little test to filter out men who are not a part of my future Also - I don’t want you to make mistakes I did, so avoid the controlling partners - it only gets more complicated as your relationship grows.

Ladies - start checking for financially controlling habits on your date but do be considerate of the pricepoint. Not finishing a cocktail is not the same as ordering a second entree. Keep your measurement in check. 

And guys - what I’m looking for in those not finished cocktails are for you to not say a word about how your money is being enjoyed. You committed to an evening out with this woman, don’t make her feel bad and mansplain how you would live her life -  let her make her own decisions and part of that includes deciding what NOT to do (like finish a cocktail). My partner won’t care if I finish the drink or not, he’ll be more interested in spending time with me than paying attention to how his money is being spent. The comments I received from each of those guys is a red flag. So if you want to pass the first date test, be more aware of your comments (think about how they would be received) and let her do her thing.

Ok, so what’s the take away on Question 2: If he’s taking you out, he’s paying for the evening. This does not obligate women to anything more than replying yes or no to the question of a second date. But at the same time, guys the first date doesn’t have to be lavish or expensive. Save that for date 2 or 3 when you know it’s worth it. 

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( 13:28 ) TRANSITION music 30 seconds

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Ok, it’s time for this week’s success and failures in dating…..

( 13:55 ) Dating Highlights (KISSES)

  • Getting all of the love and support for Dating Hotline. You guys are amazing and I love reading your emails and your messages. Thank you, thank you!

  • Also, seeing how many of you slid into my DMs after I mentioned I was recently single. You guys know how to make a girl feel loved <3

( 14:24 ) Dating Crash (CURVES)

  • Ok, so I still feel kinda feel bad about this one so for every guy out there take my apology to heart and heal all the wounds you carry from the women who have done this to you in your life. 

I was at a coffee shop waiting to meet with someone and while I was waiting for them, this man came over and introduced himself. I was distracted and caught off guard, so we chatted for a minute. He tried to ask for my number but I felt like he was a little pushy and I didn’t feel comfortable giving this stranger my number, so instead, I gave him my Instagram handle. Now, guys if a woman gives you her Instagram handle this is not rejection - this is just another challenge that she has set up for you to meet her at. If you think she’s worth it, you’ll do it. But when I told this guy that he could follow me on Instagram, his energy completely shifted to an annoyed place and he didn’t even look at me when he said goodbye. Maybe he interpreted my response as rejection which is why I want to clear this up. If you ask for a girl’s number and she doesn’t give it to you but she offers another form of communication - meet her where she’s at. 

( 15:33 ) Ok, that’s our show thanks for tuning to DATING HOTLINE presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT a dating consultancy setting the standard in online dating. This is your host Chloé Miller. You guys DM me your dating questions, email me your thoughts, and please, please, please tell all of your friends to listen. Subscribe and leave us a review on iTunes and follow us on Spotify. 

Dating Hotline Podcast music 40 seconds   

( 16:37 ) This podcast is presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT a personal consultant agency setting the standard in online dating. Visit their website www.andswiperight.com to learn more about their personal styling appointments, private coaching sessions, and the creative and engaging dating profiles they make for single men and women. 

Dating Hotline is hosted by Chloé Miller, Founder, and CEO of AND, SWIPE RIGHT. Follow her on Instagram @chlomill

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This is the Dating Hotline….

 
Dating ProfilesChloé Miller, MA, LPC, MFTCOnline DatingComment