Ep 03: Dating Apps

Dating Hotline, a podcast presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT

Dating Hotline

Ep. 03
Dating Apps

SHOW NOTES

- DATING HOTLINE -
Ep 03: Dating Apps

Host: Chloé Miller
Production: AND, SWIPE RIGHT
Show Music: Andrew Langdon
Transition Music: Nikolas Thorpe

“ The trick is to find what is important to YOU and it not just about figuring out what your interests are and what you want out of life - it’s crucial you figure out what is important to you in your relationship. Then think about is there a dating app specifically for that. "

-Chloé Miller
Founder, & CEO of AND, SWIPE RIGHT

EPISODE DESCRIPTION

In the third episode of Dating Hotline presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - Chloé shares her thoughts on how to choose the right dating app and she reveals some strategies to stave off dating app burnout. Plus, she answers two popular dating questions: 1. Which dating app is right for me? 2. What are some dating app strategies?

LINKS

Foodie Dating Apps: Dine , Gluten-Free Singles, Hi Dine
Religious Dating Apps: J-Date, Christian Mingle
Traditional Dating Apps: Hinge, The League, Bumble, Tinder
Alternative Dating Apps: Coffee Meets Bagel, Plenty of Fish
MatchMakers: It’s Just Lunch, Millionaire Matchmaker

Example of MIRRORING & Digital Flirting

Mirroring = Digital flirting

Mirroring (verb) : matching the actions, enthusiasm, pace/tempo of the other person’s communication. If he wants to rapid fire questions, match his enthusiasm with rapid fire responses. If he wants to give you one-word responses, match his lack-of-effort with one-word response. Mirroring is a helpful communication tactic to utilize especially when you’re still getting to know each other. This keeps your actions in alignment with their actions and everyone feels confident in themself and where they stand in the relationship. Also, this is a great tool to use to gauge interest of your situationships and to see which should be upgraded to a relationship - mirroring is your safe-guard against getting too emotionally invested too soon. In other words, this is how you check for relationship interest - gauging their actions will tell you how much investment you should put in. Mirroring is how you flirt online

Example of mirroring and flirting through text (1 of 4)

Example of mirroring and flirting through text (1 of 4)

Example of mirroring and flirting through text (2 of 4)

Example of mirroring and flirting through text (2 of 4)

Example of mirroring and flirting through text (3 of 4)

Example of mirroring and flirting through text (3 of 4)

Example of mirroring and flirting through text (4 of 4)

Example of mirroring and flirting through text (4 of 4)

 

TRANSCRIPT

Hi Dating Hotliners - it’s me. Ok so We’ve already what kind of dating we are interested in - and we’ve already talked about what you should include in your dating profile and how to position yourself, but now it’s time to figure out which dating app is right for you. 

Sure you could get on the dating apps that your friends are on - yeah why not, right? But what about if your friends are all married, what if you don’t have any single friends, or recently divorced, or recently out of a relationship. What if you’ve never been on an online dating app and you never thought this would be your life because you were committed in a relationship with someone, but things changed.

( 00:38 ) That’s what happened to me. I figured out the online dating landscape and now I’m going to share it with you.  In today’s episode, we’re going to dive into the dating app world and explore different strategies. Ya ready? Let’s go.

Dating Hotline Podcast music 40 seconds   

( 01:31 ) Welcome back - this is the third episode of Dating Hotline, presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT the dating consultancy setting the standard in online dating. This is your host, Chloé Miller. 

Yes, I never thought I would be on an online dating app because I myself was in a long-term committed relationship with someone. There were plans for us to be together for life, we had built a world together, and we were together for many years. If you asked any of our friends or family at that time -everyone would have told you “ yeah they are already married”. Haha We were together for so long that within the world we built looked at as an already married couple because of our established relationship - right?

Well, guys I wouldn’t be here talking to you right now if I didn’t break up with that relationship. 

And that’s my story - I never thought I would be on a dating app, period. I watched these dating apps come on to the market and I remember talking with my friends and asking questions like: what are you guys doing, how do you do this, what are you including your dating profile, how do you make a dating profile, what is a right swipe, which way is left and right - I can’t keep up. And I remember thinking, damn that’s the new way of doing it, huh,  it makes sense but like….where do you start?! 

And then I broke up with my boyfriend and I realized ohhhkaay. If I want to go on a date then I have to play the game. Because in Chicago we date differently here - in Chicago, you HAVE to be on a dating app if you want to have some sort of a dating life. Because Chicago is so cold and we are all so busy, everyone is on a dating app to save time. So if I wanted to meet people in Chicago, I had to get on a dating app. And that’s when I learned - ok a dating profile is more than just pulling a few pictures and slapping a few words together to present “hi this is me, here’s a handful of emojis that describe me.” 

( 03:49 ) Dump that profile and start over. No one wants that. That is online dating circa idk - 2016 - like no guys - that’s the way old online dating work. Now online dating has been around long enough and people actually use it the right way - there’s strategy and more so - there’s not a one size fits all. There are different dating apps for different purposes.

( 04:27 ) Dating Hotline Question 1: Which dating app is right for me?

( 04:42 ) Ok to answer this question you have to have an honest conversation with yourself. What are you looking for in your partner? This is where you get your specific with your dating interests - for example, religion: JDate, Christian Mingle are religion based dating platforms….and there are other dating apps for specific lifestyle dating - like  Farmers Only and exclusive high-profile dating apps for the upper 1% of the world….

The trick is to find what is important to YOU and it not just about figuring out what your interests are and what you want out of life - it’s crucial you figure out what is important to you in your relationship. Then think about is there a dating app specifically for that. 

If religion is a strong part of your relationship then you want to be on an app that will match you with people who feel similarly passionate about religion. So it would be strategic to be on a dating app that supports that kind of interest as opposed to an app that supports dating general.

Or If you’re a foodie here are a couple of new dating apps that you can check out - 

-Dine - this is a simple dating app centered around the idea of sharing a dining experience with a new person. You meet new people daily and if you connect you set up experience at one of the three restaurants you’ve already selected. This is about sharing new food experiences with new people. 

-Gluten-Free Singles - the gluten struggle is real and dating with food sensitivities is an extra challenge. Skip the stress of having the Gluten-Free conversation by matching with other gluten-free singles. 

-HiDine  - this is a Tinder for Food, swipe through profiles and restaurants to match in your area with people looking for a dining partner and genuinely shared interests. Men are required to put down a downpayment towards the restaurant bill before any offline activities can occur. (this one is new to me - I’ll check it and report back).

As you can see it just depends on what you’re looking for. There are PLENTY of apps out there to try, Think about what you want in your life partner - and then think about finding a dating app for that. You don’t have to play the ONE SIZE FITS ALL game that these common dating apps like Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, The League… want you to. 

I’ve done a lot of research and one of the dating apps that I really like as an alternative to the traditional apps is Coffee Meets Bagel

They do their dating app differently - their premise is based upon gender psychology. They give men choices - every day you get 22 profiles to swipe right or left to. Women have a different experience on this dating app, women get 5 male profiles that have already swiped right to them, they just need to select who they want to talk to. In other words - out of these 5 men curate would you like to spend time talking to? Women like options not choices. Men like choices, not options. CMB uses everyday psychology that is used in every day real-life. 

Ask a woman what she wants to eat and she’ll have no clue. But give her 3 options of where to eat, and she’ll pick one right away. Ask a man what he wants to eat and he’ll be like oooh we can do this, or this, or this or this or this but tell him to pick between 3 places and he’ll be like whoa hold on let me weigh my options here. Men like choices women like options.

Men and women approach life differently.  CMB takes the same IRL psychology and applies it to their dating app. If this is the way our brains work - let’s translate it to online with similar concepts. 

I’m not on CMB but I’m on Hinge. That’s working for me right now. When it comes to traditional dating apps HINGE is my favorite. I LOVE the feedback you get - knowing which picture or response my match liked allows me to gather initial information about him based on his like. That kind of insight and context helps to build a conversation and honestly - this has been the best assistance for building digital chemistry. I have digitally flirted with men I before meeting them in-person but because we both came in hot with strong energy the chemistry built quickly. - he had a good opener and I mirrored his actions & interests - IT WAS FUN. I’ll post some screenshots of our texts on our show notes on AND, SWIPE RIGHT’s website so you can see MIRRORING and how our conversation flowed organically to the next topic. I’ve met a lot of good looking interesting men on Hinge, it’s working for me but I know other people who have had success with other services like Coffee Meets Bagel and Plenty of Fish. When it comes to figuring out what dating app you should be on - just like everything else in online dating -try a couple and see how it goes. 

( 10:12 ) Also, take note that there are TIERS of dating apps. 

Tier 1 is your DIY - free app to download and free to make a profile: Tinder, Bumble, The League, Hinge….you have the biggest pool of people here but also that means you’re going to have to sift through some bad dates to find your partner. 

Tier 2 is your premium dating apps - This is your paid service dating app. Maybe they have a little extra matchmaking service they provide, maybe they offer concierges services in the app, but these are dating apps that are charging money to mix your profile with their dating pool. Sometimes this is the right place for some clients and other times, this is more than what my clients are looking for with their dating life. Examples of these dating apps are Match.com, Coffee Meets Bagel, and any premium service within your dating app the PAY TO PLAY dating apps. This pool of dating is much more targeted and focused on pairing you with compatible people only, increasing your chances of meeting your partner. 

And Tier 3 is your matchmaking services like It’s Just Lunch, The Millionaire Matchmaker (which we all remember Patti Stanger from Bravo - that show was wild), Events and Adventures for the active singles looking to meet other singles while doing something new. This top tier is the most expensive tier - but also it has the highest success rate. This tier of dating generally pairs you with a specific matchmaker and they work on your behalf to set you up your dates with compatible people. This requires less work and effort from the dater but you will be paying for it with your credit card. 

Depending on what tier you’re looking for - start scoping out the dating platforms within that tier and find the app that’s the right fit. Need help sorting through all these dating apps - book an appointment with me. We can do it together!

Q1 Take Away - Have an honest conversation with yourself, is your dating profile getting the action you want? If not, think about what you want in your relationship and see if there’s a dating app for that.  And If you feel like you want more assistance - jump up a dating tier, invest more in yourself and work with a matchmaker (digitally or in-person) to help you find your love. 

( 12:55 ) Dating Hotline Question #2 - What are some dating app strategies?

( 13:10 ) Ok so now you’ve done your research on which apps you want to be on, Here are a few strategies I recommend to my clients:

First, focus on 1-2 dating apps at a time, don’t overwhelm yourself with too many because you will meet multiple people on each of these apps, you want to be able to stay on top of these conversations. We’ve all swiped right to too many people at once and then our match slip through the cracks because we have too many at one time. Dating profile juggling is just as hard as juggling people IRL. 

I don’t recommend it. I do on the other hand think there is value to talking to many people at one time int the beginning phase only. Dating is a numbers game. You have to put yourself out there you have to try with a lot of different people at the beginning narrow it down there. You’re not going to go with everyone you’re talking with on your dating app. Let’s say your pool of right swipes is 10 people. Of those 10 people, you’re going to talk to 7 of them, of those 7 people, you’re really going to connect with 3 and of those 3 people, only 2 of them will be available for a first date. Then you go out on two first dates. You are constantly whittling down your numbers.

So really I recommend focusing on 1-2 dating apps at a time only. Also, when it comes to your dating profile because you spent so much time crafting one, tweak it subtlely for additional apps. I think the best way to do a dating profile across multiple dating apps is to do similar profiles but not the exact same thing. You need 2 different bios and probably closer to like a total of 10ish pictures. In total, you want 6 for each app at least and you’ll need 2 different bios. So if you’re on 2 different dating apps, you will need in total 2 different bios and 6-10 pictures.  

When you come into a dating rut or a dating app rut - every person gets into them at different times. It doesn’t matter where you are in life, it doesn’t matter what’s happening in your life, it’s not a reflection of you, it’s just dating. Some days I have 15 guys blow me up on a dating app and other times I don’t get a match for days. That’s just the way it is, it’s the algorithm and that’s just the way life works. Also, I think there‘s a bigger purpose behind that because TIMING is such an important part of dating because if you meet the right person at the wrong time…. - ahh well we’ll talk about that in another episode…. 

But if you feel like you’re one of those ruts and or your profile is just not getting any action and you want to talk to people, here’s a couple of things you can do: Move your location and sometimes expanding your radius to include a couple more miles is a big difference. 2 miles to 5 miles makes a big difference or 5 to 10 miles. I don’t want you to change your radius from 2 miles to twenty because I told you so, no, please recognize that subtle changes make the biggest differences. Additionally, if you move around the city, you will match with new people. If you’re moving around the city on the weekends, or during the day and you’re on a sales trip, or you’re going on meetings, in your uber, in your elevator, as you’re waiting for your order at lunch, get your phone out, start swiping. You’re in a new location and you’re going to be matching with different people. You are always in control of changing who you match with. Move you - Ok? You are where your phone tracks - so if you move with your phone you’re dropping yourself in a new dating pool. So what does that mean - sometimes it pays to go off on an adventure in a new part of the city - have some fun - start swiping while you’re doing it!

Another thing I recommend when you do go out on a new adventure and you met new people - you’ll be seeing some new profiles you haven’t seen before and it makes you feel like the city is less small - yes - there are new people out there. At times, it can feel like we’ve gone through everyone on the dating app and that just not possible. The city is so big - unless you live in a town of 20 people that’s a problem -  but you live in a major city there are people to date. You just need to change up what you’re doing to get a different response. 

You are the variable that needs to change. Your phone has all those details in it. So if you move your phone around you are making changes to your dating life. Repeating actions and expecting different outcomes is the definition of idiocracy. Do yourself a favor, change something up if you’re looking for a different outcome. Maybe it won’t work out, but maybe seeing if it does will be the best adventure ever.  

Another thing I recommend to my clients is to Swipe Right more than you Swipe Left. In other words, say yes more than you say no. Sometimes depending on what we’re doing in the moments before we get on a dating app - our emotions can carry over into our dating life. This means if we’re out with friends having a good time - our good mood will lead us to say yes more than no leading to more right swipes. Alternatively, if you just got off a bad conference call, we might not be in the mood to be giving people the benefit of the doubt on the not-so-great dating profile and you might be a lot more critical and say NO NO NO to every person who liked you. 

The point is, our emotions can carry over into our swiping and you can lose some quality people because of a grumpy mood. You have to remember dating is not a distraction tool - swipe for purpose. 

On that point I usually suggest - swiping at the same time every day, this creates consistency for you - so you look forward to the swiping window but also keeps your attitude towards dating high. If you do it midday or if you use online dating as a distraction tool then you can easily burn out when you’re not getting that quick fix you’re seeking when opening the app. (Talk throughout the day at your convenience, but save the swiping for windows in your day - may be a morning and an evening swiping window - like happy hour but better. #SwipeHour

 The League uses this concept with their dating profiles. Only during a certain time window are your new potential matches revealed to you. The limited window creates the discipline we need to keep online dating dating for purpose, not used a distraction.   

And lastly - premium dating app services - are beneficial? Here’s our take - we say YES if you’re committing money to this part of your life your attitude towards it will change. Just make sure it stays positive and doesn’t become an obligation category that will take things down quickly. But a shifted attitude sometimes can be the magic elixir to finding a partner. If we open ourselves up to the possibility of finding what we want, then by the law of attraction, it will come to you. (Plus, I have a couple of other strategies I employ with my clients - this includes brain hacking techniques that help you clear emotion from painful memories, letting go of the absolute comments like  “I’ll never date this type of person again….”, and allow you to heal and grow. Also, I’m mindful and I believe in bringing intention into your actions - obviously - and so I’ve curated date-specific meditation and relaxation techniques that will open your heart, and clear your energy, setting you up for dating success. If you’re interested in those - check out the digital downloads on AND, SWIPE RIGHT’s website. There’s a bunch of FREE stuff up there...

OK take away from Question #2 - 

Swipe Right more than you swipe left, swipe at the same time every day #SwipeHour, and then be conscious of your actions & emotional state when using online dating - are you using it as a distraction tool or is it for purpose? Premium services for dating do work - there’s a reason they were created and investing skin in the game changes how you show up. 

( 22:27 ) Kisses & Curves

( 22:30 ) Kiss - 

Our kiss this week goes out to the people who left us a review - Smooch Smooch Smooch Smooch - Dating Hotline and I appreciate it. 

( 22:44 ) Curve - 

And our curve this week goes out to all the love that Netflix’s Joe Goldberg (aka Penn Badgely) from YOU is getting. YOU GUYS He’s a sociopathic psychopath. There’s nothing romantic or charming about someone who gaslights and that’s just the beginning….but I won’t give anything away - personal opinion it’s kinda low budget but it sucks you in so go educate yourself - it’s worth it. It also just got upped for its 3rd season.

( 23:22 ) The online dating world sound daunting and intimidating - don’t let it have that power over you. Focus on 2 or 3 non-negotiable for your ideal partnership and search for dating apps that promote those qualities. 

Ok, that’s our show thanks for tuning to DATING HOTLINE presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT a dating consultancy setting the standard in online dating. This is your host Chloé Miller. Thank you to our music transition composer Nikolas Thorpe over at Sound Lounge. If there's something you want to talk about in the future episodes, there's a link in the show notes where you can submit your questions. Otherwise, you guys, DM me your dating questions, email me your thoughts, and please, please, please tell all of your friends to listen. 

Don’t forget to subscribe and leave us a review on Apple Podcast and follow us on Spotify. Shout out to the two AMAZING humans who already left us a review - youuu make me so happy!

 
Chloé Miller, MA, LPC, MFTCComment