Ep 04: Starting the Conversation
Dating Hotline, a podcast presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT
Dating Hotline
Ep. 04
Starting The Conversation
SHOW NOTES
- DATING HOTLINE -
Ep 04: Starting The Conversation
Host: Chloé Miller
Production: AND, SWIPE RIGHT
Show Music: Andrew Langdon
Transition Music: Nikolas Thorpe
“My 3 fundamental texting rules: 1. Skip the small talk, assume you’re already friends, 2. Text conversationally, and 3. Be purposeful with your conversations.”
-Chloé Miller
Founder, & CEO of AND, SWIPE RIGHT
EPISODE DESCRIPTION
In the fourth episode of Dating Hotline presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - Chloé shares her thoughts on how to start a conversation. She breaks down this episode into advice for men and advice for women. Plus, she answers two popular dating questions: 1. What to say when you first match on a dating app? 2. How to spark a conversation that has gone cold?
LINKS
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TRANSCRIPT
Hi Dating Hotliners - Tell me, have you ever started a conversation with someone and then wondered why they ghosted you moments after they just matched with you? This is what I call Just Matched Ghosting and it’s only slightly less bad than actual ghosting. That said I’ve done this before. It’s definitely not something I’m proud of but here are a couple of reasons why it’s happened.
The conversation was predictable.
The opening line was boring.
There was no question in the text - it was just a statement.
The first text was generic.
The line felt inauthentic.
The list could go on and on. But instead of focusing on why it’s going wrong, let’s pivot and focus on what we can do to fix this and prevent future Just Matched ghosting. In today’s episode, we’re zooming in on the precious time bubble right after you match and right before the conversation starts to flow - how do you get her to say YES to the match and then actually respond after you’ve started the conversation. Later, we’ll discuss how women can spark an old match and warm-up that budding romance. Ya ready - let’s go!
Show Music
Hellloooo and welcome to the fourth episode of Dating Hotline, presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT the dating consultancy setting the standard in online dating. This is your host, Chloé Miller. Dating Hotline releases new episodes EVERY WEDNESDAY at 11 am Central, thank you for listening today and every Wednesday. If you hit Subscribe or Follow (depending on what platform you’re streaming us on) our show will automatically pop up in your player every week so you’ll never miss an episode or juicy story. Today we’re diving into how to keep the momentum going after you match and what men and women can each do to build the attraction.
The first piece of advice is to respond as soon as possible. If you just matched then that person is probably still on their phone meaning, they are a lot more likely to respond to your text. This is generally your best chance for the highest response rate. If you’re both on your phones at the same time then you can at least eliminate that she didn’t see it excuse. But when you’re not near your phone and you have a match notification make sure your opening line in strong and WORTH a response. My high-value dating men - listen up, this first question is specifically for you, and my high-value ladies, Question 2 is for you.
But before we jump into our questions there are a few fundamental texting rules I want to establish -
Number 1 - Different than in real life - online you want to assume there is trust and an existing friendship so that your texting conversation can feel like friends picking back up where they left off instead of starting with small talk conversation warm-up comments “Hi, how are you, what’s going on, how’s the weather?...”
Number 2 - My best advice for texting is to compose responses in a conversational tone, meaning think about what you would say if this conversation was happening IRL and then literally type that. Sometimes that includes an introductory sentence or a reaction to your own comment, but these additional comments showcase your thinking and ultimately your personality. Plus, this helps to build rapport and it gives the other person room to share their authentic conversational response as well. (Bonus points if you date another Dating Hotline listener who is super skilled at mirroring!)
Number 3 - Be purposeful with your conversations. Yes, be light and entertaining - but ask informative questions that teach you about each other - discover each other’s likes and dislikes as you mix in flirty comments. Guys, if you want to really impress her, remember something significant that she told you in a moment that didn’t seem all too important to remember…and then watch her light up when you remind her of that memory later on #swoon
Dating Hotline Q1 - Guys - What to say when you first match on a dating app?
Matching is only the beginning. You have a few more steps before you get to the first date. But there are plenty of opportunities for things to go off track. So how to do we keep things on track and keep you on the path to a first date? You send a strong conversation starter that catches her attention. The trick is to come up with a creative, personalized comment that will motivate her to respond.
Let’s clarify conversation starters...When talking about Hinge users have the opportunity to like the picture or comment or they can add a response to said picture or comment. This “response” is NOT the conversation starter, this is basically the equivalent of a compliment. Guys, it pays to send a response - I personally look forward to seeing my matches who take the time to send me a response to my picture or comment - also, I’m more inclined to respond to them because of that extra effort. ALWAYS add a response to your like, it’s a free compliment that only works to your advantage. After you two have matched, she may or may not respond to your compliment - but let’s say for this purpose she didn’t respond, but rather she let you start the conversation.
Now what? You’ve already paid her a compliment and she didn’t bite, what else can you send that will get a response?
When you’re not under pressure (even as minimal as starting a texting conversation with a stranger) your mind can think of plenty of things to talk about but as soon as you match and the ball’s in your court all of a sudden your mind just stops working and you low key panic and go back to your tried and true “Hey, what’s up? Fun plans for the weekend?” And boom just like that, the potential relationship you could have had with that attractive girl just effectively ended before it even had a chance to take off. We’ve all been there but one of the best secrets I have to overcome this cerebral vacation is to keep 3 stories/facts in your back pocket that you can pull out at any time and use to start a conversation. But to be completely honest with you guys - that mind-hack doesn’t work online - it’s best used on dates IRL.
Instead, think about all the different types of questions and then let your imagination run with however mundane you want the question to be. Pro Tip - the best questions are ones that overdramatize the mundane. In other words, pressing questions that are detail-specific work best. At this moment, you are trying to catch her attention and sometimes the littlest stone can make a big splash. For example - one guy texted me “If you blindfold me and put a bottle of Perrier and Pellegrino in front of me, I’ll be able to tell you which is which within half a sip.” I responded to that text right away...
Additionally, you could
Ask her opinion on something trivial but purposeful - (the super BF move would be to act on this later… but examples of these questions include:
We’re having this debate at the office, 4 day work weeks. Do you get Monday off or Friday off?
Croissants or Muffins? And Coffee or Tea?
Window or Aisle seat?
Also T/F or Y/N questions. This is best executed in rapid-fire but we suggest sending a text before bombarding her phone with 10 texts at one time. This could look like something as simple as sending a text that states “Do you want me to go Q&A style or rapid-fire?” In this sentence alone - you’re A] skipping the small talk and texting like you already trust each other, B] setting up an opportunity to ask mundane questions with the intention for discovery, and C] creating a playful challenge with plenty of opportunities to flirt.
Examples of T/F or Y/N questions include:
T/F - Mountains are better than Beach Vacations
T/F - United Center queso is what queso dreams are made of
Lastly,, if anywhere on your profile has the message of “playful banter is the key to a successful relationship” then you better come in hot with some playful banter. This means, you are NOT allowed to start the conversation with any variation of these remarks:
Hey!
Hey, what’s up?
How’s your day going?
Hey, Chloé, fun plans for the weekend?
How’s your week starting out?
You must come up with something more creative than literally the first thought that comes to mind. This is literally so boring and heads up - the girl you just asked about her day has her own girlfriends to talk about her day to - ask her something different than what she’s talking about with her girlfriends. Don’t forget every stage of the dating process you are still trying to impress each other - don’t be undisciplined with yourself.
Now ladies - when he sends you this, mirror his communication. I’ve talked about this a bit in the last episode but very seriously, MIRRORing is the best communication tool I’ve ever learned. This is a trick I learned in my improv classes while at Second City and ironically this active listening skill applies SO WELL to dating:
Mirroring. Mirroring is a verb and it means to match the actions, enthusiasm, pace, and tempo of the other person’s communication. In other words, you are mirroring their actions meaning if he wants to send you rapid-fire questions, match his enthusiasm with sending back rapid-fire responses. If he wants to give you one-word responses, match his lack-of-effort with one-word responses. Mirroring is a helpful communication tactic to utilize especially when you’re still getting to know each other. This keeps your action in alignment with their actions and everyone feels confident in themself and where they stand in the relationship. Also, this is a great tool to gauge the interest of your situaitonships and to see which should be upgraded to a relationship - mirroring is your safeguard against getting too emotionally invested too soon. In other words, this is how you covertly check for relationship interest - mirroring their actions will tell you how much investment you should put in. This is how you flirt online.
Ok, so what’s the take away on Question 1:
Please please please stop starting conversations with boring first thoughts that come to mind, remember you are always trying to impress each other, there is humor in mundane and that alone can create a bond. My love for Pellegrino was spoken to when that guy creatively told me that he has a refined sparkling water pallet. It was so unexpected it made me laugh and simultaneously want a Pellegrino...
Dating Hotline Q2 - Ladies - How to spark a conversation that has gone cold?
A qualified lead needs some warming up - how do you do it? He’s already matched with you, you already responded to a couple of his texts but then things went cold. Maybe you hit it off with someone else but that didn’t end up working out. Maybe you got busy and put dating on the back burner, maybe you just had too many matches at one time - whatever the reason the beauty is the Matches folder. We can scroll through all of our matches and re-spark any old match and pump some life back into those connections to see if a first date is worth it.
Now I normally don’t recommend going back through old matches to spark something new but I do think there’s a 3-week window from the first date you matched that allows for re-engagement. This is someone you’ve matched with recently but maybe didn’t get further than a couple of texts back and forth.
You’ve heard me talk about how guys should start the conversation on a dating app, but ladies, if he tried to start the conversation with you and you dropped the ball, it’s your responsibility to initiate the conversation and get things rolling again.
Chances are you’re talking to a high-value man, and he’ll recognize that you just dropped the ball back in his court. In other words, he’ll step up, host the conversation and balance out the gender norms - but because you’ve already matched and he’s already tried to start the conversation with you once, maybe even twice, it’s your responsibility to spark the conversation.
This is a careful process of finessing the hello and honestly my most successful has been “oh hi.” or any variation of hello. Haha, I’m serious. As simple as it sounds - just the effort of coming back and saying hi again can create a different outcome. In previous episodes, I’ve talked about how I believe in timing and everything happens for a reason - in some cases, you or he could be in a different place and all of a sudden the stars align for you two at this moment. Honestly, crazier things have happened so why not believe in the possibility.
Ladies, my advice is to be straight forward about this - you could get clever if you want but remember that falls into chasing him. Your goal at this moment is to show him that this match has potential and that you’re open to talking. This is why simply saying hello is effective. You are sending a message without being so obvious.
Guys - recognize that she’s saying hi and that the ball is back in your court to lead the conversation. This is basically a second chance to make a first impression - it doesn’t come often and not every girl will be open to this but the ones that do are worth engaging with to see if there’s first date potential.
Ok, so what’s the take away on Question 2: If the guy has tried to start the conversation with you already once, even twice, then it’s your turn to start the conversation. Simplicity is best here - any form of Hello usually does the trick - personally I like anything other than Hello, it’s just too formal. I like Hi, Hellloooo there, hi hi, oh, hi….you get my point. And lastly, guys recognize that she’s coming to the table and it’s back to you to host the conversation.
Kisses & Curves
Dating Kiss - Highlight - Our Dating Hotline Newsletter is LIVE. Some of you have already signed up and I want to thank you for lighting that fire under me to get that going. As an entrepreneur, I’m self-motivated but I’m human. I can find just about anything to procrastinate what needs to get done. You sign up, you subscribe to my show, you engaging with my social media posts HOLDS ME TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES as your guide through online dating. Thank YOU for holding me accountable in times when I want to run away and go off the grid. The signup form is on our website: andswiperight.com/dating-hotline
Dating Curve - First dates that distract from the conversation. This is something I just learned this weekend and it’s changing my feelings on Frist Dates in general so are my thoughts - let me know if you’ve run into this same issue and what you felt about it...I’m curious to hear other experiences. Disclosure - this is not a review of the guy I went on a date with, this is an analytical review of was this the right kind of first date?
This past weekend I went on a first date and while it was my ideal date (a day date at the Art Institue) it was not the right date for a first date. Why? I wanted to get to know this man, I’d spent a couple of days chatting with him about traveling and where we’d both traveled to and what our upcoming travel plans were and I was curious to learn more about him. While the Art Institue is a great place for a date - a first date is when you want to get to know someone. You want something to break the ice but not actually distract. A cocktail or a coffee or a lite bite to eat is a great ice breaker but an actual activity can be tricky. This is where you form your first opinion of who they are and if you want to spend more time with them. This is such an important stage but so easily looked over.
Now, I consider myself socially skilled enough to navigate the conversation between asking pertinent questions, answering his questions, remembering what we talked about earlier in the week and having clever conversation starters to bring those points back up, creating a conversation around the art, finding comedic moments to play up and build some rapport, and then even a couple of intimate flirty moments so that we cross the physical touching barrier. This is A LOT for anyone to navigate and while I think it went well, my review of the date was “I wish we’d gone to get a coffee instead and then did the Art Institute as our second date” The coffee would have been the ice breaker to meet and build comfortability and the art institute could have been playful and relaxed. Museum make outs, in a private corner, are so sexy - but that’s not going to happen on a first date - that daydream is really better executed on Date 2, 3 or 4.
I recommend something light and breezy for the first date - and then save the fun activity for the second. The first date is as simple as MAKING SURE YOU’RE REAL and not catfishing them. Once that is satisfied then you can move on to getting to know each other. Doing all of this in a museum made me feel like our first date was just us hanging out - it was really tricky for us to build chemistry since there were constantly so many distractions (where are we going next, what are we looking at, so many people, taking time to appreciate the artwork...) All in all - I wish I’d had a simpler first date to get to know him better. Plus, knowing me, I’ll probably ask him some of the same questions I asked on our first date on our next date....(but that’s if he texts me again…)
Ok, that’s our show for this week - thank you for tuning in to DATING HOTLINE presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT a dating consultancy setting the standard in online dating. This is your host Chloé Miller. Thank you to our music transition composer Nikolas Thorpe over at Sound Lounge. If there's something you want to talk about in the future episodes, there's a link in the show notes where you can submit your stories. Otherwise, you guys, DM me your dating questions, email me your thoughts, and please, please, please tell all of your friends to listen.
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