Ep 05: Building Chemistry
Dating Hotline, a podcast presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT
Dating Hotline
Ep. 05
Building Chemistry
SHOW NOTES
- DATING HOTLINE -
Ep 05: Building Chemistry
Host: Chloé Miller
Production: AND, SWIPE RIGHT
Show Music: Andrew Langdon
Transition Music: Nikolas Thorpe
“ Energy is SOOOOOOOO important with dating & even online dating. If you can send a message with underlying energetic tones - wouldn’t you want to send a message that creates an attraction? And what’s attractive in real life? CONFIDENCE - Confidence is the one thing that you can’t put your finger on but it’s SO memorable. "
-Chloé Miller
Founder, & CEO of AND, SWIPE RIGHT
EPISODE DESCRIPTION
In the In the fifth episode of Dating Hotline presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - Chloé shares her thoughts on how to build chemistry after you've matched and how to build excitement for the first date. Plus, she answers two popular dating questions: 1. How do I build excitement for the first date? 2. What to do in between matching & the first date?
Example of Playful Banter & Digital Flirting
Succcessful & Unsuccessful examples
Mirroring (verb) : matching the actions, enthusiasm, pace/tempo of the other person’s communication. If he wants to rapid fire questions, match his enthusiasm with rapid fire responses. If he wants to give you one-word responses, match his lack-of-effort with one-word response. Mirroring is a helpful communication tactic to utilize especially when you’re still getting to know each other. This keeps your actions in alignment with their actions and everyone feels confident in themself and where they stand in the relationship. Also, this is a great tool to use to gauge interest of your situationships and to see which should be upgraded to a relationship - mirroring is your safeguard against getting too emotionally invested too soon. In other words, this is how you check for relationship interest - gauging their actions will tell you how much investment you should put in. Mirroring is how you flirt online
Successful example of playful banter and flirting online through text (1 of 2)
Unsuccessful example of mirroring and flirting through text (2 of 2)
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TRANSCRIPT
Building Chemistry
Hi Dating Hotliners - We have all gone on a first date and we’ve all successfully and unsuccessfully set up first date plans. But if you think back on all the first dates that you’ve been on - which ones stood out? Not because of what you did, because you were most excited about them? Regardless of the outcome, those are memorable dates because chemistry was present. Building chemistry quickly is a skill, and in today’s episode, I’m going to share a few ways you can learn how to build chemistry with your match before the first date. Ya ready - let’s go!
( 00:40 ) Intro Music
( 01:15 ) Hellloooo and welcome BACK to the fifth episode of Dating Hotline, presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT the dating consultancy setting the standard in online dating. This is your host, Chloé Miller. Dating Hotline releases new episodes EVERY WEDNESDAY at 11 am Central, thank you for listening today and every Wednesday. If you hit Subscribe or Follow (depending on what platform you’re streaming us on) our show will automatically pop up in your player every week so you’ll never miss an episode or juicy story.
Today we’re diving into how to land the first date and how to build chemistry - those conversations before you make plans for a first date is a precarious time. You’ve matched and maybe you’ve moved off the dating app and are texting from your phone now, but the jury’s out on if the first date is happening. I’m going to share secrets on how you can build momentum and excitement for a first date.
( 2:35 ) Dating Hotline Question Number 1 - How do I build excitement for the first date?
( 2:48 ) I’m breaking this whole landing the first date down step by step because this is literally the most precious time in the dating process.
You’ve been on a date before - you’ve been in a relationship before - you know how to act in public and you know how to act with another person. Once you’re on the date it’s not that hard. That part is the same as it’s always been - this is the part that is new and where everything can fall off track. Mostly because people don’t knowhow to translate real-life into online - so this is why we’re focusing on such specific moments - how do I build excitement for the first date
This is where you want to highlight your playful banter. This is where online flirting takes the front seat. Ladies, you want to create the impression that you are the prize - A] because you are and B] because this sets you up to be recognized as high value and immediately the standards for your relationships are raised. When you come in with that Level 10 Confidence in person - that energy is picked up on with your presence. While we are communicating with our words, we are also communicating with our energy. This is how we interpret text messages in certain ways. For example - 4 words from the right person can send you down the path towards an anxiety attack - We Need To Talk. Without even knowing what the conversation will be about - you can just sense the underlying tones in that sentence. This is picking up on the energy of the environment - emotional intelligence and energetically sensitive. If you relate to either of these terms then you’ll understand immediately what I’m talking about. Both describe subtle perception differences but enough to notice a non-tangible element adding to the environment & experience. Energy is SOOOOOOOO important with dating & even online dating. If you can send a message with underlying energetic tones - wouldn’t you want to send a message that creates an attraction? And what’s attractive in real life? CONFIDENCE - Confidence is the one thing that you can’t put your finger on but it’s SO memorable.
How do you do that online? You have to try your best with playful banter. You need to situations with yourself to be able to deliver these playful remarks. This is where mirroring becomes in important. If you have the confidence and you believe you’re the best and you show up that way, he will too. He does that and you mirror that -it will build into flirting and you will have chemistry.
You’ve heard me talk about how it’s important to be conscious of what you’re bringing into your dating life by not swiping while in a bad mood - the same can be said for communicating with someone. Whether you are talking in person or sending a text through a phone, you are sending energy with your messages. If your confidence is high the energy will be a high vibration and everyone is attracted to high vibrations - the energy becomes palpable.
Guys - you want to flex those smooth-talking skills. This is where you are going to want to playfully tease her. Because she will be ready for you to start this conversation. I need to make a disclaimer that this is PLAYFUL - there’s a fine line between fun teasing that builds sexual tension and teasing that becomes critical and judgmental. Keep your comments in check and if you need help finding that gray line (because yes I will admit it’s vague and it’s constantly moving….) talk to me.
I’m posting a screenshot of a playful teasing comment Mr. Art Institute sent me and how I flirted back. Unfortunately, the conversation didn’t last much longer than the initial comment and you’ll see why if you go to our show notes and check it out. Homeboy had so many other options but he sent that. Also, guys, status update - I never heard from Mr. Art Institute about a second date and that tells me that we both felt similarly about the first date. We’re better off friends.
Confidence is ALMOST more attractive than physicality. Evident by relationships that look to be mismatched. There’s a reason they’re together - even if we can’t see it from the outside looking in.
When you are first introducing yourself to someone make it strong but more importantly, BE CONFIDENT! This is why you spend so much time crafting an engaging dating profile - you want to showcase your confidence. Same thing when you match with someone - you want to continue that confidence and say this is who I am as a person. You are creating trust with different levels with, in essence, strangers, through consistent personality appearance. Your pictures and your responses show off confidence and when you start texting you have a confident playful banter back and forth. When you show up on the date, you are a playful confident person building that sexual tension. This is only going to make you look forward to that first date. I have ended the conversation with some of them before a first date even happened because it was boring and it never picked up. I’m not interested in keeping tabs on your day - the play by play is unnecessary and really pretty boring. Find a clever way to tell me what you did today. That I’ll be interested in.
This is where date texting comes in handy - remember those rules I was telling you, here’s a couple more.
Don’t give a Play by Play - pick one or two mundane tasks and find the humor in that. For example: “I moved some plants around and tidied up a couple of shelves.”
This allows for the mental ping pong game to start and ladies if you’re mirroring him - he’ll pick up on it quickly and the flirting will escalate. You are not trying to be dodgy or misleading with your remarks but rather you are finding clever ways to respond to his comments that create mystery and it’s intriguing.
Also, you’re saving the small talk introductory comments for the IRL date. Nothing is worse than crossing all of the first date conversations in text and then having nothing to talk about on the actual first date. This is why this strategy of picking one or two things to build a conversation works best. You save the juicy parts of your life for in-person conversation and you are also being playful leading up to the date. This is exciting on both sides.
Take away from Q1:
Confidence is everything, and if you don’t really feel like you have it, do 15 jumping jacks before you answer his text message. Get some endorphins running through your body, pick up that confidence level do some squats, do some sit ups. I don’t care if you have to run laps around your building - get some endorphins running through your body, pick up that confidence level. Do not respond literally, I want you to respond playfully. And the only way you can do that is if your mind is working and you are feeling yourself. You are fun, there are cool things you bring to the table - show him how fun you can be. But let him know it’s a privilege he needs to earn. He’s not walking in to this with open hands because he just matched with you. He jumped through the first hoop but let him know there are other hoops to jump through but he’s got a strong chance on getting through hem. Guys like to know there are more challenges ahead but they are doing well on the progress chart. It’s a reassuring feeling.
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( 12:19 ) Dating hotline Question #2 - What to do in between matching & the first date?
( 12:28 ) You want to create an instant best friend situation and the only way to do that is by matching him at his level of interest. You know when he’s texting you - if he’s hitting you up with 5, 6,7 texts in a row, he wants to talk to you. So TALK TO HIM, respond to him right away. You can ask every single guy I have dated, that is my flaw (not my only one) but probably one of my bigger ones. I very seriously have a problem with my phone. It’s subconscious and that’s one corner that I haven’t gone into yet and I know absolutely where it comes from. It’s from a relationship I was in and it’s honestly too scary for me to walk into right now. So, in this moment I’d rather avoid that mirror at all cost and push through the hard way - by trying to break my habit by myself. One day I’ll cross this bridge and I’ll let you guys know how I did it. I love tapping into my subconscious and rewiring unhealthy habits. So, this is on the to-do list.
I don’t like to touch my phone and that’s a problem but who loses in this situation when I do this. Me! And the person I’m talking to thinks that I’m not interested in them, so the longer it takes for you to respond to the person you’re talking to the less interested they will think you are - that’s how they’re gauging your interest level in them with the response rate from their text message. So, don’t wait long to respond to the question he just asked. Respond quickly - it’ shows interest.
Also my personal tip - I let the guy initiate conversation the entire time before the first date. Whether I talk to you for 2 days before our first date or 2 weeks before our first date. I will not initiate the conversation with you before our first date. It’s that simple. Two caveats to this rule
The first is if I have ended the conversation previously and it’s still an appropriate time of the day to start the conversation. And the second is there are weekday rules & weekend rules. Meaning, if I just told him - I’m running to meet friends I’ll text you later, and it’s now later…..
On weekdays ask yourself
1. Is the sun up? Then ok you can text him.
2. If it’s not, then ask is it past 9 pm?
If not then you can text him.
If yes - then wait till tomorrow.
And on weekends
Is the sun up? Then you can text him
If it’s not, then ask is it past 7:30 pm?
If not then you can text him.
If yes - then wait till tomorrow.
The point here is to establish that you are available and interested in chatting with him but that you are only going to talk to him at specific times. This makes your time precious and it shows how you value your time. This boundary is important.
This establishes availability boundaries with him. Why is this important? Because you’re a woman and he’s a man. He wants to chase you - you’re not going to always going to give him that privilege of communicating with you whenever he wants. That’s a privilege he’ll need to earn. And just because we carry our phones around with us everywhere we go all day long doesn’t mean that we should be available 24/7. This is so true when it comes to dating and this leads me to my next piece of advice which is
Ladies - Schedule unavailability windows. Seriously - schedule time in your day or week when you are unavailable to talk to him. Just a couple hours here or there but literally block off windows that you are unavailable to talk to him because what you’re doing is creating space. This is carefully executed but when used well it is so powerful. The point here is to build momentum texting build excitement you want this flirting to build into “ok this first date is going to be really fun, this person’s really cool.” And then in the middle of the momentum building - you have to know when to cut it off. End it on a high note - don’t let it start to slip downhill, that’s no fun and everyone can see that coming from a mile away. But what I want you to do is recognize when you’re on that high, enjoy it for a few moments but then make yourself unavailable.
What does this look like? You’re texting back and forth for some time, maybe even a couple of hours now and he asks you a question - and you respond “Oh I’ll have to tell you the answer to that another time, I’m running out to meet some friends. I’ll text you later!” I don’t care if you’re actually going to meet said friends, but in your dating life, you are unavailable. Because - what does this do? It cuts him off and it shows him that he does not have full access to you and that your time is important so that you get 100% of his attention at every time because he knows how valuable your time is. You are showing him how valuable you are by creating boundaries for yourself and that your attention is focused on the people you are with at that time. He’s important to you so you’ll bring him along throughout your day and your life, but he doesn’t get 24/7 access to you and he’s going to have to take a # when it comes to asking for your attention. This why creating unavailability blocks is so important. You create time for him to miss you.
Ariana Grande knows what she’s talking about in her song - NASA.
“Lyrics”
LISTEN to those lyrics ok? Literally you need to create unavailability for yourself to show that you’re in demand. Supply & Demand guys - if you can have it all the time you never really want it, but as soon as it becomes unavailable you want it 10x more. This is using the principle of rejection on the most subtle form, and in a safe environment, to your advantage. No one likes rejection, no one likes being cut off, and no one likes being told no. But that just means they’ll be interested in you coming back. So when you say yes this is good, I’m available again he will be there ready to chat with you. If you are available 24/7 and talking non-stop, he’s going to burn out. This is how you have great texting for 2 or 3 weeks and then it just fizzles out. That’s unsustainable momentum. Cutting it off on a high note and creating unavailabilities allows for both people to separate back into your own independent lives, get the tasks that you need to get done like work or home projects or just things you need to do in life, and then come back to each other with more energy and excitement to see each other again. Literally it will change the way you interact with each other. Separation makes the heart grow fonder. You will miss this person and you will want to see them again - it keeps the flame between you two hot.
Ok, so what’s the take away from Q2 -
Be high value - set the standard high, create boundaries for yourself, by establishing and telling him that you’re unavailable “Hey I’m running to a meeting, I’m running out with friends, I’m walking into an appointment….” you don’t have to explain what you’re doing but it is courteous to tell him that you are unavailable at a specific time. This is where he will miss you. But more importantly, be like Ariana and don’t forget to create space for him to notice your absence.
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( 22:14 ) Kisses & Curves
( 22:20 ) Kisses - EVERYONE WHO IS PLANNING THEIR VALENTINE’S DAY PLANS. You guys are so smart to get working on making plans ahead of time. But unless you are officially boyfriend and girlfriend with this person- DO NOT BUY THEM A GIFT. This is a sure-fire way to freak someone out, especially if it’s early in the relationship. Instead, feel out your conversations and the energy between you two -that will tell you exactly how to act for this holiday. And if you don’t know, and you’re asking yourself - then that right there is your answer. If you have to ask it’s less stable than you think. Skip the gift and focus on something much smaller. My suggestions - Postmate them something because everyone loves food and besides it’s the thought that counts.
( 23:10 ) Curves - This week’s dating curve is hands down the unbelievably tragic loss of Kobe, Gianna, and the 7 other passengers in that helicopter accident on Sunday. I’m actually taken aback and how emotionally unstable this news has made. We all balance life in our own ways, but this loss is shaking me to my core. Maybe its because I have some personal matters that are magnifying how precious life is right now but life is a gift and that includes each day we get with our loved ones. So with regards to dating - live with no regrets - share your feelings, tell them you have a crush on them, make the first move. Step out of your comfort zone and feel alive. Thank you Kobe for your contribution to this world. You inspired an entire generation. So with regards to dating, live without regrets. Tell your crush you like them, make the first move - step out of your comfort zone and feel alive.
Wrap Up
(24:12) Ok, that’s our show for this week - thank you for tuning in to DATING HOTLINE presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT a dating consultancy setting the standard in online dating. This is your host Chloé Miller. New episodes of Dating Hotline are dropped every Wednesday at 11 am - subscribe so you don’t have to go looking for it each week. Thank you to our music transition composer Nikolas Thorpe over at Sound Lounge. If there's something you want to talk about in the future episodes, there's a link in the show notes where you can submit your stories. Otherwise, you guys, DM me your dating questions, email me your thoughts, and please, please, please tell all of your friends to listen. Don’t forget to subscribe and leave us a review on Apple Podcast and follow us on Spotify.
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