Ep 06: First Date Etiquette

Dating Hotline, a podcast presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT

Dating Hotline

Ep. 06
First Date Etiquette

SHOW NOTES

- DATING HOTLINE -
Ep 06: First Date Etiquette

Host: Chloé Miller
Production: AND, SWIPE RIGHT
Show Music: Andrew Langdon
Transition Music: Nikolas Thorpe

“ Sometimes you can text for too long before meeting IRL (I call this Love Bombing) and you can build an emotional relationship before you’ve met the person, and This is when you become emotionally invested, most times prematurely, you build him up in your head and this sets you up for disappointment because he doesn’t meet those expectations he’s not that person you built up in your head he’s who he’s is, but because you didn’t have that first meet yet, he doesn’t match with what you’ve projected him to be. That’s a set up for disappointment.  "

-Chloé Miller
Founder, & CEO of AND, SWIPE RIGHT

EPISODE DESCRIPTION

In the sixth episode of Dating Hotline presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - Chloé discusses First Date Etiquette, Love Bombs, and how to show up authentically on a First Date. Plus, she answers two popular dating questions: 1. What should I expect from a First Date? 2. Do you kiss on a First Date? 

 

TRANSCRIPT

First Date Etiquette

Hi, Dating Hotliners,

Have you ever seen Dating Around - it’s on Netflix, It’s a Netflix Orignal and if you haven’t had a chance go check it out- it came out last year it’s a really cute show. I recommend it. It’s a 6 episode series that follows around different blind dates. The same person ill go on 3 or 4 blind dates and then at the end they get to choose which date is best. This is like this generation’s version of MTV’s Next. (haha remember that show?!) But this is better because this is so much more authentic - really it’s a POV instead of a scripted series like the Batchelor or something. What I love about it is it’s a glimpse into the first date. You really get to see other people act on a first date - and watch them. 

We don’t know how other people show-up on dates. I only know how I show up on my dates. I can’t tell you how you show up with other people and how they show up with other people. Therefore it’s been difficult to give advice on such a variable event until now. This show is so nice because you see this and realize I’ve made that mistake, I would do that, I would say that….so check it out I think it’s a huge learning curve for people when you get to observe and reflect on your own actions. 

I’m bringing this up because Dating Around released Season 1 on Valentine’s Day Last year and they are dropping Season 2 on Valentine’s Day this year. So, in order to prep for this 

I want to talk about First Dates. 

I think that a lot of pressure on them, rightfully soo - I understand that this could potentially be the person you marry - but first of all, SOPT THAT. Cut that thought out right away and remove the pressure from this - it’s self-imposed pressure that gets in our way and that’s why we don’t perform as well as we should in certain areas of our lives. We over hype things and then we don’t live up to our own expectations. In order to mitigate this let’s stop dating anxiety - let’s talk about what to expect on a first date. Ya know this is fist date etiquette - Ya ready, let’s go……

Show Music ( 00: 40 ) 

Welcccome Back - this is the sixth episode of Dating HOtline presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT the dating consultancy setting the standard in online dating. This is your host, Chloé Miller.  Dating Hotline releases new episodes EVERY WEDNESDAY at 11 am Central, thank you for listening today and every Wednesday. If you hit Subscribe or Follow (depending on what platform you’re streaming us on) our show will automatically pop up in your player every week so you’ll never miss an episode or juicy story. 

Alright, First dates - OK - you either love them or you hate them, really there’s no gray area on a first date opinion. 

Some people hate them, and I think that’s a lot of people which is really kind of sad because I love them. I think they are so much fun, I love meeting new people and learning about each other, I’m fascinated by people’s stories and their life experiences...I am always curious to hear about someone’s life - but even I feel the pressure when you hear First Date. I don’t want you to be brought down by this so we’re going to dicuss what to expect so you can show up like the boss you are on your date. 

Dating HOtline Question #1 - What should I expect from a Frist Date?

First of all - First Date Etiquette - let’s start of the bat by discussing if you’re meeting someone from online or if you’re meeting someone from in-person. 

If your first date is from an IRL meet - it’s totally up to you with what you want to do with it. You’ve already done your initial judgment check with them, and you’ve done your initial trust check -  you now havw a foundation of are comfortable and interested in learing more.

I also in this moment highly recommended you read Malcolm Gladwell’s Talking To Strangers book.Oh MY GOD - he is first the most brilliant wirter, and secondly his book is so intersteing to hear him talk about how we connect as humans through communication. Specifically, he talks about how we instantly believe other people becuae by nature if we didn’t then we are literally setting ourselves up for arguing every single time we open our mouths with someone. just based upon the way society works and the way we live - we have to automatically assume the person we are talking to is telling us the truth. This is a judgment check - right, that happens in person - you’re doing that already - it’s 10x harder to do that online. 

So if you’re meeting online you should really be looking at your first date as more of “getting to know this person” and do they match who they are online. Yes, this is basically a 2-way audition. 

when arranging the First Date - keep it light and non-committal. Coffee with the option of grabbing lunch, drinks with the options of grabbing dinner. Once you meet in person -and you vibe - you can always extend the time together or make a second date. But getting out of an over-commitment is a bit tricker. 

Keep it simple - take the pressure off, it allows for the connection to build organically. Sometimes you can text for too long before meeting IRL (I call this Love Bombing) and you can build an emotional relationship before you’ve met the person, and This is when you become emotionally invested, most times prematurely, you build him up in your head and this sets you up for disappointment because he doesn’t meet those expectations.s he’s not that person you built up in your head he’s who he’s is, but because you didn’t have that first meet yet, he doesn’t match with what you’ve projected him to be. That’s a set up for disappointment. 

Look at your first date as getting to know you with a side of romance. That will alleviate any dating anxiety that creeps in with the immediate pressure with the words “First Date”. Guys, I’m huge into rebranding things in my life. If I recognize a pattern that doesn’t serve me any longer, I will work to rebrand the issue so that I approach the problem from a new perspective allowing me to gain deeper insight into what’s not working and how to fix it. This results in better outcomes ALso, when I do this, I’m changing my perspective and understanding of the situation -meaning, when it comes to a first date I think about it as getting coffee with him, getting drinks with someone, and then I’m like oh that’s a social activity, that will be fun. That helps me settle into my own comfortability in my own skin, to know that I will show up better and more authentic on my date with him. I won’t be as guarded, I won’t have my walls up, and I won’t have any concern around the question of is he going to like me or is he not going to like me. I can just be me and allow chemistry to build naturally. 

Now let’s talk about first date protocol - by now you’ve matched you’ve chatted and you’re looking forward to meeting up and getting to know each other in person. You think there’s a vibe and the potential for chemistry is there. What do you do before you get together? 

First of all - guys - check-in and confirm the day before. Day of confirmation is nice but really it’s the day before that you need to make sure this is happening. Then when you’re on the way to the date - let them know. Text them “Hey I’m on the way, I just called an Uber, I’m leaving my house now.” that sort of courtesy makes a difference. You are both strangers meeting for the first time, this is going to be uncomfortable for anyone who gets there first and looks for the other person. 

Usually, if you have a good profile they can spot you right away. Meaning, you don’t need to describe to them what you look like or what you’re wearing. I feel that when telling someone what you’re wearing it’s less romantic, that to me is more businessy and business meets up. They should know what you look like, they have your dating profile. You’ll be good. 

If you don’t tell them what you’re wearing do tell them where you’re standing/waiting for them. When I met Mr. Art Instittue, he was like “Hey I’m inside by the doors on the left side by the benches.” when I walked in I turned to the left and found him right away. It was really simple. That sort of clue isn’t bad - that if you’re meeting in a public area - iI know what this man looks like but I never would have been able to find on a Saturday at 2 pm at the Art Institue. Do you know how many people were there? The lines where unreal

Next, Hug hello. A kiss on the cheek is acceptable but make sure you touch. Don’t just show up and say hi - the hug helps to cross the physical touch barrier and a lot can be said in a hug. One of my dates when I first met him was walking up to him and he gave me a hug and he held me extra-long and honestly it was something that made me feel like it was a real genuine human connection instead of hug hello like another person in my day. That hug forced me to be present because I was still hugging him. It was honestly one of the most romantic things really helped me to connect to him immediately. This won’t be right for everyone - this really depends on your energy and what you bring to them and you have to be very comfortable and his heart was really open. I found so much comfort in how open his heart was because that allowed me to then do a lot of personal work in my relationship with him to get m heart to that level of openness for him and get myself to a whole new level of being comfortable with myself. This all stemmed from one hug - and I think that’s a really important thing - If you make the hug last one moment longer than it should, all while keeping it comfortable - it allows - the hug allowed me the moment to relax into his arms. I really liked that - especially on a Thursday coming off of work, it was nice to just shift my energy right away - I liked that.

When it comes to getting to the date - this is a personal preference. I like to have my date send me an uber or come pick me up before because I think this is a nice touch, it’s an elegant move and I’m looking to be impressed. Some people feel like giving up their address for a first date is way too much privacy - I respect both sides. Sometimes I’ve asked for them to come to pick me up and sometimes I just meet them there - it just depends. That’s more of a judgment check.

But ladies listen up - before you get in an uber that sends for you or that you call for yourself please please please please please turn on locations haring with your girlfriends. Let someone track your date so that heaven forbid something happens to you there’s literally a trail that we can find you. I started doing this with my girlfriends about a year ago and thank gosh we haven’t ever needed it but two things. 1 - it gives me peace of mind to know that I don’t even have to worry about that. But 2. It’s really fun to find out if your girlfriends went home with him….

Now when you’re on your date -here are a couple of tips of what you should be doing. 

DO NOT be on your phone. I honestly have a big rule - DON’T CHECK YOUR PHONE ON A DATE. Put that away, and don’t pull it out unless you’re int he bathroom, unless you are calling an uber, or you have an emergency that you need to be on call for. I think it’s the rudest thing to chat someone up online and then when you finally get them in person and you’re going to check your phone for notifications or see who texted you, or worse text someone back on a date. My time is more important than for me to sit here and watch you text someone else. Do not pick up your phone on a date - if you want to check it, go to the bathroom. Be polite - don’t be rude. And if you have en emergency - tell the person you’re on a date with that you have to check your phone and keep your phone out because of this emergency. Clue them in - give them the opportunity to tell you that is ok or ya know really I’d rather not, maybe we should do this another time. Give them the choice to tell you this is important to me but I can’t split my time with you, I’d rather not. Don’t just treat their time like it’s as unimportant to you because you are now texting everyone else. That’s extremely rude. 

Only focus on the person you’re on a date with - you wanted to take them out - why are you not giving them your full attention?

Also, be kind to the wait staff - she as in the girl you’re dating will be watching for this and he as in the guy you are dating will be too. People watch how you treat other people because that is an action and reflection of your character. Most people don’t want to date assholes so if you’re treating the waitstaff as if they are here to serve you - you need to rethink your strategy. Be respectful of others you don’t know the challenges anyone else faces, maybe this is their career maybe this is temporary, maybe this is the peak of your career and maybe you’re not we all have high and lows. But it’s not fair for you to be the judge someone else for where they are in their life today at this moment.  

The same is said for what your date shares with you on your date. You are not there to be the judge and jury of their life you are there to meet them and find out if you have a connection. Don’t judge them and tell them what you’re doing is right or wrong or use namecalling - that’s rude. 

When you’re leaving and you’re on the date. Guys, please open the car door for her, please open all the doors for her, please let her step in front of you, be a gentleman. That matters.  But when you open the car door for her, close that door and walk around to the other side. Please do not make her scoot over in the car. She’s dressed up for you, she’s high-value, she does not move. She gets in the car and sits. You can walk yourself around the car and get in on that side. 

If you’re not getting in the car with her - wait with her until the uber comes. Don’t leave before she’s in her car. Then after she’s left text her later to make sure she got home safely. This level of thoughtfulness makes a difference.

Dating Hotline Question # 2 - Do you Kiss on the first date? 

Now when it comes to the first kiss/goodbye kiss. This totally depends on how the date went. There is not one uniform answer to this question but I can give you some pointers on how to set yourself up for a great first kiss. 

Ok so you’ve already hugged hello meaning you’ve already touched - this is a good start. Now, throughout the evening, you’re going to want to touch each other a couple more times, Ok yeah that sounds weirder than how I mean it - I’m talking about when you’re telling him a story, reach over and touch his arm. When he’s telling you a joke he’s going to touch your knee, find ways to reach over the table and touch each other to create more intimacy and comfortability before the end of the evening. Touch each other’s arms, or shoulders when you’re talking - make it organic but do it. 

A goodnight kiss is never guaranteed, you can choose to kiss or not on a first date - that’s totally up to you. There’s no judgment either way. Sometimes I’ve kissed on a first date and other times it just felt 100% inappropriate to do that. And for those dates - I hugged him goodbye.  It just depends - either person can be the initiator but once you break the initial touching barrier it’s a lot easier to make this kiss special. 

Have you ever kissed someone that you never touched before the kiss - it’s the most awkward thing. Plus then you’re both walking to your uber and just counting down the steps and thinking “is he going to kiss me, but we didn’t even touch. Oh man, this weird ok well do I kiss him goodbye? Like what do I do oh god here’s the car and ok well were awkwardly kissing now coooooool” You can guarantee there was no second date with that guy. So touch each other long the date - grab their hand, touch their arm. This is someone you are attracted to - show them. 

-Kisses & Curves- 

Kisses - Everyone who is celebrating valentine’s day by themself. Get your self a present -treat yourself, you deserve it. The best ticket you could buy me would be a flight - take me on an adventure, I want to see the world. 

Curves -- LOVE BOMBING. Love Bombing - this is when the guy you’ve JUST MET bombard your phone /you with attention NON-STOP. This is a manipulators tool to get you under their spell. 

A man’s game is his ability to disseminate attention. A woman’s game is her ability to be available/unavailable to him. 

Men will LOVE BOMB you at the beginning of a relationship to trick you into thinking they really are invested. But in reality -this is a technique to train you into becoming accustomed to this much attention on a regular basis so that when it dries up you noticed and you reach out so that you are now the one chasing and ultimately you’re on the hook now. This is a move that’s all about power. 

Ok, that’s our show for this week - thank you for tuning in to DATING HOTLINE presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT a dating consultancy setting the standard in online dating. This is your host Chloé Miller. Thank you to our music transition composer Nikolas Thorpe over at Sound Lounge. If there's something you want to talk about in the future episodes, there's a link in the show notes where you can submit your stories. Otherwise, you guys, DM me your dating questions, email me your thoughts, and please, please, please tell all of your friends to listen. 

Don’t forget to subscribe and leave us a review on Apple Podcast and follow us on Spotify. 

Outtro

 
Chloé Miller, MA, LPC, MFTCComment