Ep 07: First Date Chats

Dating Hotline, a podcast presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT

Dating Hotline

Ep. 07
First Date Chats

SHOW NOTES

- DATING HOTLINE -
Ep 07: First Date Chats

Host: Chloé Miller
Production: AND, SWIPE RIGHT
Show Music: Andrew Langdon
Transition Music: Nikolas Thorpe

“ You paint a vivid picture, you bring in details - and as you’re painting this picture you light up about this. The more details you become the more evocative you will be and he will notice. You are planting a seed in his head of exactly what you want and he can then he can say I can play by this manual, watch me, I’ll follow instructions - let’s make this happen."

-Chloé Miller
Founder, & CEO of AND, SWIPE RIGHT

EPISODE DESCRIPTION

In the seventh episode of Dating Hotline presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - Chloé discusses First Date Chats. Plus, she answers two popular dating questions: 1. What do you talk about on the first date? 2. What should I not talk about on the first date?

 

TRANSCRIPT

Ep 07 - First Date Chats 

Hi Dating Hotliners - 

What do you talk about on your first date? Some people will argue that you should be using this time to get to know if this person “checks the box” for your partner and other people say that you should use this time to map out compatibility. A quick google search will result in a laundry list of possible first date questions. 

I’ve had many first dates - some good, some bad, some fun, and some a bit uncomfortable. Some felt more businessy that date and some were pretty boring. But regardless of what we’re doing the conversations were generally quite similar between all of them. In today’s episode, we’re going to dissect what’s appropriate first date conversation and what’s not. Ya ready? Let’s go.

Show Intro

Hellloooo and welcome to the seventh episode of Dating Hotline, presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT the dating consultancy setting the standard in online dating. This is your host, Chloé Miller.  Thank you for listening today and every week - Dating Hotline releases new episodes EVERY WEDNESDAY at 11 am Central. If you hit Subscribe or Follow (depending on what platform you’re streaming us on) our show will automatically pop up in your player every week so you’ll never miss an episode or juicy story. 

Last week I told you the best gift you could give me is a plane ticket and this week I’m recording from our LA office - fair warning - I might get distracted by these palm trees and ocean views but I’ll try to keep things focused for ya. My Chicago listeners - I heard it’s supposed to be snowy and like real cold - oyeee - STAY WARM you guys!

Ok, so what do we talk about on a first date. I’ve been on dates where we’ve crossed a lot of ground but nothing more than surface-level conversation and then I’ve been on first dates where I’m learning personal secrets that should be reserved for boyfriend/girlfriend privileges.  In other words, save this stuff for later in the relationship - this is NOT starting strong. As much I’ve been saying start strong - I still want you to use emotional intelligence to discern what is appropriate. 

Dating Hotline Q1 - What do you talk about on the first date?

My curiosity drives me - I am fascinated by people and their stories and sometimes that fascination becomes impassioned and I fixate on learning more and understanding every detail. I’m great with late-night chats and thought-provoking discussions but I’ve learned that this isn’t always my best look in dating. 

An example of this - I one time had a guy ask me at the end of a date “is there anything else you would like to know from me at this time?” Whoaaaaa bro chill with the interview follow up lingo but then again maybe I grilled him and I wasn’t aware of my impact on that date. I fall more on the side that I didn’t show up well because I never even got a “did you make it home safe text?” It’s cool we definitely didn’t vibe but this date taught me so much.

I’m a journalist - I know how to interview people and I know how to host a conversation, plus I’ve spent the past 10 years carefully crafting messages and then working closely with people in a professional coaching role. I’m confident in my people and communication skills. So to receive a review “anything else you’d like to know about me at this time?” while still on the date definitely made me pause. 

When you’re on a first date, rather than ask the traditional get to know you questions like - “what do you do?” I like to ask open-ended questions. Something that starts a conversation that allows for a discussion. I don’t need to ask direct questions to see if he checks boxes off my checklist. For me, I’m already past the “dating checklist” point. If I’m on a date with you - then I see the potential for a future and this date is an audition for our shared time.  

Looking at the date as the time to measure your checklist is a backward approach. As I mentioned -you’re removing the potential for the romance and more importantly, you’re missing the opportunity to connect with this person on a deeply authentic level. 

I appreciate the fact that people have a checklist and non-negotiables for their ideal partner but the second you start breaking down a person into a checklist the romance has already evaporated. Instead, I encourage my AND, SWIPE RIGHT clients to make a list of 3 non-negotiable QUALITIES they want in their partner and focus on finding that on their dates. This requires them to think about how they would measure that quality and then one step back - how would they find that quality in a person. Using this kind of thinking allows you to narrow in on specific dating qualities you’re looking for in your relationship. 

Instead - I suggest having 3 personal stories to share about yourself. 

One of my favorite things to ask on my dates is “Tell me a story.” It’s an innocent question but it gives so much insight into the person you’re seeing. You’ve given them a blank canvas and allowed them full creative control over what they tell you - their decision-making skills are put into action because now you get to see them be them. Of all the things to say and all the things you want to tell me about yourself right now - paint me a picture so I can gain deeper insight into who you are. 

Guys, I’ve had some of the craziest responses to this question. One guy I dated started telling me stories about lavish parties and the private jets that would take them to private islands because there they could do literally whatever they wanted….he was definitely a trust fund kid and who grew up in Hong Kong….so like insane wealth. Another guy talked about his relationship with his mother and how he can’t connect.  __________. And one guy told me stories of his time when he was deployed in Afganistan and he humanized the struggle in the Middle East. 

The trust fund guy I should have seen the red flag in that story but at the time I didn’t, the guy who talked about his mom made me feel like our date was his therapy session, but the last guy’s story sparked my soul. He chose to discuss something that he experienced that impacted him - that story showed me who he was. 

Think about a first date as your first opportunity to meet someone. When you meet them you do not want to give them 100% of you. You want to slowly peel back layer by layer so that they can get to know you and enjoy the getting to know you process If you dive in way too deep you will be overwhelming the other person. They will be like “Ummm I have no idea who this person was but they literally are undersocialized because they word vomited family secrets - I’ve had some dates where people are way to open with what they shared with me. 

My advice is to talk about a few light things that you can contribute to the conversation. I like to keep 3 stories in my back pocket because conversation lulls happen and this way you have something to bring up and say “ok so this one time….” You can tell a story that gives a little insight about you and you and your life and your hobbies and what you do in your spare time while also creating conversation for him to be like “omg I love that too, or Oh that’s so interesting I know nothing about this tell me more, Or What are you talking about?!”  This is where you show not tell. 

Furthering that point - what do you show? You show your passions. Those 3 stories are 3 things that are 3 different hobbies, 3 things that just light you up. For me it’s really easy, I talk about traveling. I LOVE to travel. Last year I lived in Thailand for a month, I lived in Europe during the holidays - I love to travel internationally, I love to explore, I love to travel and get out and see the world. That’s internationally but if you want to talk about America -  omg I will happily tell you about the joy that Colorado brings to me. Going to the mountains and being around the energy and taking me to boulder and being surrounded by the good people of colorado I am the happiest version. That is where you will see Chloé at 100. You don’t know the real Chloé until you’ve seen her in Colorado. She is FUN. If you think Chloé in Chicago is fun, ooh take her to Colroado….she’s basically a State tour guide at this point - Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall take me anytime.

Do you see what I did there? Do you see how you can pick up on my passions and why I like it? You paint extra vivid pictures. If we were in Colorado we would definitely rent a car and drive up to the mountains but we would start in Boulder. I would want to take you to my favorite French Restaurant - Brasserie Ten Ten and then we can grab cocktails at the St. Julien, then the next day we’ll grab a slice of pizza from Cosmos for the drive up tot he mountains. (ooh and we can’t forget the spicy ranch) 

Do you see what I’m doing here? You paint a vivid picture, you bring in details - and as you’re painting this picture you light up about this. The more details you become the more evocative you will be and he will notice. You are planting a seed in his head of exactly what you want and he can then he can say I can play by this manual, watch me, I’ll follow instructions - let’s make this happen. 

Boom - if he’s into it and he’s into you that’s how you get shit done. People fall in love with people who are passionate and talk about their passions. Live it up guys - it’s so attractive to finding people who live their passions, it’s actually really inspiring. If you have an interest in something - lean into it. Maybe just maybe you’ll find a partner through it….

Dating Hotline Q2 - What should I not talk about on the first date?

Now let’s talk about what we do not talk about on a first date. The 3 Bs. Boys, Booze and Bank Accounts. We do not talk about other Boys we know, how much Booze we consume, and mine yours or our Bank accounts. 

Please just no. 

Talk around those topics and deliver your message. What do I mean by that -don’t bring up other guys that you are seeing or dating. It’s as simple as WHY - why do you need to talk about other people when you’re with someone else. If they are a friend - ok then when you are taking time to talk about them on YOUR date (they don’t matter in this moment.) And worse, it’s just going to plant insecurities in the beginning of the relationship setting you two on shaky ground. 

If your answer for bringing up another guy is to make him jealous, then I’m going to tell you to cut that out right now. You’re already going into a date playing a game and that’s not going to end well, that’s just not right. No one is going to respond to that on a first date. If you’re playing the jealousy card - which I 100% never recommend - it’s a dangerous passive-aggressive game -  that’s could be effective only if you have them on the hook. On a first date - neither one of you is on the hook so it’s not going to work. Don’t do that. 

Secondly, no booze - guys we’re all old enough to drink and old enough to have a cocktail, old enough to enjoy one too many. But you don’t need to talk about your drinking life with someone when you are on a date. It’s assumed that you will enjoy a cocktail but don’t tell me about your drunken escapades. Save those stories for a more appropriate time down the road, or like never if it’s really less than flattering (save that for your girlfriends only). 

Also if you are participating in the sober curious movement which I totally support (I did that for a couple of months - and I LOVED my life when I did. It’s really incredible to see what you can accomplish when you eliminate alcohol. And actually - one of my friends coaches people as they transition into Drynamics - a dry lifestyle in modern life. She helps you create lifestyle modifications that assist in transitioning into a life without alcohol. I’ll post her contact information on our show notes - her name is Katie and her Instagram handle is @DeepLineHealth @- D-E-E-P-L-I-N-E-H-E-A-L-T-H she’s a total boss and also my favorite pilates instructor - DEFINITELY check her out!

But if you’re not drinking right now - or don’t participate in drinking at all don’t worry about it - there are plenty of other things you could do on a date. And discussing alcohol on your date paints an unnecessary picture - we all can assume that you can hang but talking about it isn’t necessary. Alcohol is complementary to the activity it’s not the objective - it’s something that accompanies the date don’t market that the purpose. The intention of the date is to meet him or her. It’s not to get drunk with his person. Make sure your focus is in the right spot. 

 Lastly, Boys, Booze and Bank Accounts - BANK ACCOUNTS - you guys, do not talk about where you come from financially, what your financial stature is and where you are in the socio-economic class. It is not something that is anyone’s business, to begin with, but secondly telling someone that you come from money, have money, or are making “serious” money is going to plant the seed that you have money to burn. Also, you’re setting the relationship’s foundation up to be based upon a changing dynamic instead of a long-lasting shared interest. We’re all human and money drives a lot of us - whether it’s conscious or not - when you start to talk about money in a relationship it can impact feelings because it can motivate people in different ways. Stay away from this topic - the way we present, carry, show up, and act should be 10x more important than how much money he or she makes or contributes to the relationship. Plus the power of money can make people compromise on things like their morals and that’s where you get into the territory of using people, and there are other situations where the love is unrequited but the relationship has benefits that are outside of that…..yeah, it gets really messy - so honestly when you’re talking and starting a relationship with someone remember do not talk about the 3 Bs No Boys, No Booze, and No Bank Accounts. 

Money should not be a factor in your relationship. 

Kisses & Curves  

Kisses - Valentine’s Day is Friday. What do you have planned? If you’re single there are plenty of things you can do because A - it’s FRIDAY and B - it’s literally just another day in the year. Don’t let this take you down. Plan something fun with some friends or stay in, order Postmates and watch When Harry Met Sally.

Curve - Valentine’s Day is Friday. Ladies if you want to do something don’t hesitate to share that with your partner. These major holidays Mismanaged expectations

OUTRO 

Ok, that’s our show for this week - thank you for tuning in to DATING HOTLINE presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT a dating consultancy setting the standard in online dating. This is your host Chloé Miller. Thank you to our music transition composer Nikolas Thorpe over at Sound Lounge. If there's something you want to talk about in the future episodes, there's a link in the show notes where you can submit your stories. Otherwise, you guys, DM me your dating questions, email me your thoughts, and please, please, please tell all of your friends to listen. Dating hotline releases new episodes every Wednesday at 11 am CENTRAL. Don’t forget to subscribe and leave us a review on Apple Podcast and follow us on Spotify.

 
Chloé Miller, MA, LPC, MFTCComment