Ep 08: First Date Review

Dating Hotline, a podcast presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT

Dating Hotline

Ep. 08
First Date Review

SHOW NOTES

- DATING HOTLINE -
Ep 08: First Date Review

Host: Chloé Miller
Production: AND, SWIPE RIGHT
Show Music: Andrew Langdon
Transition Music: Nikolas Thorpe

“ This is how you dangle the second date. Just like girls are playing their high-value game of available/unavailable you play the high-value game of selling a second date with you. Women are the prize but men you can be too if you stay in your lane. Don’t compete with your girl on who is the prize in the relationship - compete with the other men vying for her attention and show her what a date with you means. But be sure NOT to miss your opportunity to make her feel special."

-Chloé Miller
Founder, & CEO of AND, SWIPE RIGHT

EPISODE DESCRIPTION

In the seventh episode of Dating Hotline presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - Chloé discusses First Date Chats. Plus, she answers two popular dating questions: 1. What do you talk about on the first date? 2. What should I not talk about on the first date?

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TRANSCRIPT

Ep 08 - First Date Review

Hi Dating Hotliners - In today’s episode, we demystify the silence between dates by examining “date review” actions.  Ladies if he asks you these questions while you’re still on the date then you know he’s into it, and guys if you’re not doing this then you might be sending mixed signals. It’s time to take a closer look at our lasting first date impression. Ya ready? Let’s go…..

SHOW MUSIC

Hellloooo and welcome to the eighth episode of Dating Hotline, presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT the dating consultancy setting the standard in online dating. This is your host, Chloé Miller.  What’s up guys - I’m Still in LA recording from our west coast office in Santa Monica. This California life is THE life….Honestly, I’m questioning why I bought a return ticket to Chicago….but don’t you worry, I’ll be back on Thursday - see all you cuties mañana! 

Thank you guys,  for listening today and every week - Dating Hotline releases new episodes EVERY WEDNESDAY at 11 am Central. So if you hit that cute little Subscribe button on Apple Podcast or Follow on Spotify or other streaming platforms Dating Hotline will automatically pop up in your player every week. This way, you’ll never miss an episode or juicy story. 

Now, two weeks ago in our First Date Etiquette episode, I walked you through a traditional first date experience. While each date is unique the process is generally the same. Today, we’re zooming in at the end of the date, to the time that I like to look at as “the Date Review”. 

As the end of a First Date nears, you already have an idea of if you like this person or not - that should be pretty easy to determine. You either vibe or you don’t. And if you don’t, that’s ok. But all dates have to wrap up and end. So let’s spend time today discussing how to read your date and interpret their feelings based on their actions.

TRANSITION MUSIC

Dating Hotline Question 1 - How long after the first date do I wait to reach out to her? 

We’ve all heard about the 3-day rule. Don’t reach out to someone until 3 days after your first date. Anything sooner looks desperate and anything longer looks like you’re not interested. Well, let me ask you this -  think about how quickly you like to get answers from someone when you’re curious about something…..We live in a digital world and we’ve all become accustomed to instant gratification. I would be lost without access to google every moment of my life. But with regards to dating, why would we subject ourselves to the archaic emotional roller coaster time measurement of an outdated communication system when we expect instant responses from everything else in life? 

Throw out the 3-day rule and start communicating based on your feelings and interest.

If you’ve been following along then you already know that you should have sent her a text after the date making sure she made it home safely. This is courteous and also serves the purpose to leave a sweet message solidifying a great first date. 

But how long do you wait after you both have said goodnight?

Not long at all.

Send a message the following day - create a reason to drop in (digitally) and say hi.

But be careful not to make scheduling the second date the reason why you said hello. You want the conversation to lead into playful banter and the reward of the banter game is a scheduled date. The date went well and that’s obviously apparent but dangle the second date, guys - this is your move. Flirting builds excitement and you’ve already charmed her on the first date, now I want you to repeat the successful strategy. Yes, in other words, I want you to do exactly what you did for your first date now for your second date. This cycle will become easier and easier with each date but this is dating online. We’ll get more into scheduling the second date later in the episode.

The point here is to put a smile on her face. She’s already buzzing from a great first date, your gentlemanly actions and now your comical text just extended that first date high. At this point, you literally have hearts around your name in her mind. Plus, when she gets the next day text it shows her that she showed up well on that date too and for the double audition that a date is - she passed her audition too. Please remember High-Value Dating doesn’t need external validation for internal confidence, but compliments & positive reinforcements never hurt. This Next-Day-Text is like a review - you caught his attention and he’s still thinking about your time together - THIS IS A SIGN OF A GOOD DATE. 

This is also a great opportunity to create an inside joke that only you two share. Pull something from the night before and say something about it - “still thinking about…..” or “I just saw….” Guys, I want you to reach out with intention - meaning you’re trying to host a conversation - and challenge yourself to make it topical to your first date together. 

If you’re not doing these things - asking if she got home ok and then following up with a text the next day (I’m looking at lunchtime / mid-afternoon-ish for when to send that text) then your actions are sending the message that you’re not interested in her, the date wasn’t all that special, and you’re not looking to set up a second date. This is how/why you’ve heard women say “well we had a great first date but then he never followed up….” Hello, mixed signals. Women expect to hear from you after seeing you so be strategic when you communicate but work it to your advantage. 

Pro Tip - Ladies DO NOT send this text. This is not your move. You know how you feel about the date and you are perceptive to his actions while on the date, you’ll know if there’s a second date or not. Beating him to this text puts you in the position of pursuing him and energetically you become less attractive. Leave this to the guys and guys - don’t miss this step.˜

Dating Hotline Q2 - When do you ask for a second date?

It’s generally pretty easy to determine if you/they passed the first date test…both people on the date should know well before the end of the date whether they are interested in seeing this person again or not for a second date. 

Guys - take the lead here and navigate this part of the date like a pro. There are two ways guys can ask a girl for a second date. 

1. On the date 

Or

 2. After the date 

Depending on which option you choose, follow these guidelines when springing the 2nd Date Q.

If you’re still on the date and you’re feeling bold - ask for the second date. Sometimes being direct is the best strategy and waiting for a later date to express your feelings now makes no sense. In other words - go ahead and ask for what you want. There’s never a bad time to ask a girl out - but if you choose to do it while still on the first date - don’t be so direct with how you deliver the question. Yes, asking straight up works but remember we’re trying to build romance and intrigue - being blunt can kill the mood. 

Instead, be suggestive and hint around it say something like “maybe we can do xyz on our second date…” drop hints along the date to let her know you’re interested in seeing her again. “Oh I would love to see you in a craft store….” Otherwise, this second date question could catch her off guard and that’s when things get awkward.  This is how you dangle the second date. Just like girls are playing their high-value game of available/unavailable you play the high-value game of selling a second date with you. Women are the prize but men you can be too if you stay in your lane. Don’t compete with your girl on who is the prize in the relationship - compete with the other men vying for her attention and show her what a date with you means. But be sure NOT to miss your opportunity to make her feel special. Maya Angelou summed it up pretty well with her quote “ People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” The guys I’ve dated who made me feel like I was the only girl in the world still stand out in my memory. Our compatibility didn’t mesh but he did make me feel special. 

But if you choose not to talk about a second date then here’s how I suggest you consider asking her out on Date #2. 

Earlier I talked about sending the Next Day Text after your first date. There is NOTHING sweeter than a guy you just had a great date with sending you a text reflecting upon your shared time. #SWOON. So guys, definitely don’t miss that step but to be clear I don’t want you to send a message saying “last night was fun, let’s do it again. Are you free Friday?” No - while this is, in essence, the message you want to send I’m challenging you to be more creative with how you deliver this. Start with a flirty comment - playfully tease her - so she can come back with her flirty responses and then when you feel like the momentum is building to the peak moment - take the opportunity to pivot and say something smooth “...this sounds like an IRL demonstration - you free Thursday?” The trick here is that she won’t see that you were working towards that angle when you first started texting her meaning - your flirting will catch her attention and then you smoothly slip in an invite for the second date - and boom MR. SUAVE. You’ll feel good about how you handled it and now you have a date set up! When this happens or it looks like it happened organically, that the conversation just lead to a second date - she will take note of how EASY things with you are. That will stand out to her. Women like men who make things look effortless. If you can hold your own in a conversation, while flirting and giving her attention, and you make it simple - well you might the perfect catch. 

Ok so, all in all, I want you to build rapport with her the following day so that your relationship starts after the first date. Someone people take things slowly and don’t like to invest in people until date 3 or 4 and I think that’s a bad strategy. You miss your opportunity to connect with the person in front of you in that moment and you could potentially lose a good one. I want you to start DMing memes, sending articles that relate to conversations you had, send funny gifs, and think of your first date as the beginning of the relationship - NOT as a testing the waters….granted all this advice is for dates that go well….stay tuned for our break up episodes - there will be plenty.

Kisses & Curves

Kiss -  Our kiss this week goes out to SAUNABAR

I just discovered my new FAVORITE wellness technique - Infrared Saunas. But not just any infrared Suana - not the sauna you step into that’s wood room - this is actually an infrared sauna pod lined with jade healing stones. Comes to LA, does wellness treatments, and it was life-changing, - yep that seems on brand. But no seriously I am now on the hunt for these sauna pods in Chicago. I have found many places that offer infrared sauna treatments BUT the reason I like the pods so much is that they use near & far infrared lights so your detox is doubly effective. I did it for a week (6 out of 7 days) and I can actually feel the physical difference in my body. I especially loved how my face was one color - my skin looked healthy vibrant.  

SAUNABAR take my money. You have mastered the art of doing nothing and still burning 500-600 calories. I was more interested in the detoxification properties rather than the weight loss - but hold up here’s where I tie this into dating...This 30-40 minute treatment is THE BEST thing you could do for yourself before a date. You drop any bloating feeling, quickly lose water weight and honestly you feel so refreshed and reinvigorated that you’ll be ready to attend that date without makeup…..ya know if that’s your thing. But there’s nothing wrong with a little mascara and lipstick. 

Right now these pods are a California-only thing but there are some wellness studios offering infrared saunas that offer similar weight-loss & detoxification health benefits. If you want to glow for that special date - plan a 30 or 40-minute infrared sauna session at the beginning of the day (you will sweat so you will want to factor in time to shower and get ready) but you will look & feel amazing on your date. 

Curve - Our curve this week goes out to Forbes. And this makes me sad to even say that. I LOVE Forbes, I read it every day, I get their newsletters, I was nominated for the Forbes 30 Under 30 award, I follow Forbes Women, I know a handful of people who work there - it’s honestly one of my favorite publications. 

But earlier this week, Forbes Women released an article that started a bit of a storm on social media. It’s posted in our show notes on the AND SWIPE RIGHT website. The article, titled- “Who should pay for dates? How chivalry contributes to the gender pay gap.” written by Kim Elsesser, is a gross misrepresentation of gender roles in dating. I was disappointed to see Forbes produce such a one-sided article and even more discouraged when they only promoted this on their Forbes Women channel. How ironic is that - Forbes (run by a man) dictates what is produced on their outlet and they choose to call out chivalry as the trojan horse of benevolent sexism -- when THEY ARE PERPUATING subconscious SEXISM in this exact moment?! 

Instead of promoting this article on their regular channel where men & women could read and draw their own conclusions - they only marketed this on a channel that’s dedicated to women. Further reinforcing that women are not enough - simply showing up on the date doesn’t cut it and I think that’s BULLSHIT. 

Here are some of the conclusions this article draws and these are direct quotes

  1. “ Among college-aged women, those that endorse chivalrous behavior showed less interest in achieving financial independence. Apparently, their career ambition is replaced with the desire to find a good protector and provider.”

  2. “Those that heard benevolent sexist comments prior to completing the puzzle performed worse than those who didn’t hear the comments. The experimenters concluded that the comments made the women feel less competent, and that’s why their performance decreased.”

  3. “….benevolent sexism holds women back both by altering women’s perceptions of themselves and by limiting their opportunities.”

What kills me most about these “quote conclusions” is that they paint the picture of women as if we are incapable of compartmentalizing the two worlds - work & dating. In other words - that whatever women believe in their dating life automatically applies to their professional life and vice versa…..which ultimately reduces women down to simple-minded, one-track humans who can’t equip themself with emotional intelligence to determine the best course of action? The wording of this article alone is sexist. 

Yes, chivalry is expected in High-Value Dating. Both people show up knowing what they bring to the table because the end goal is #powercouple. There’s no room for sexism when you’re both chasing after your own dreams and enjoying the rewards together.

OUTTRO

Ok, that’s our show for this week - thank you for tuning in to DATING HOTLINE presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT a dating consultancy setting the standard in online dating. This is your host Chloé Miller. Thank you to our music transition composer Nikolas Thorpe over at Sound Lounge. If there's something you want to talk about in the future episodes, there's a link in the show notes where you can submit your stories. Otherwise, you guys, DM me your dating questions, email me your thoughts, and please, please, please tell all of your friends to listen. Dating hotline releases new episodes every Wednesday at 11 am CENTRAL. Don’t forget to subscribe and leave us a review on Apple Podcast and follow us on Spotify.

 
Chloé Miller, MA, LPC, MFTCComment