Ep 09: High-Value Compliments

Dating Hotline, a podcast presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT

Dating Hotline

Ep. 09
High-Value Compliments

SHOW NOTES

- DATING HOTLINE -
Ep 09: High-Value Compliments

Host: Chloé Miller
Production: AND, SWIPE RIGHT
Show Music: Andrew Langdon
Transition Music: Nikolas Thorpe

“ There are 2 ways you can compliment a woman - saying things she already thinks about herself but enjoys the confirmation and recognizing the things she doesn’t think anyone notices about her. "

-Chloé Miller
Founder, & CEO of AND, SWIPE RIGHT

 

EPISODE DESCRIPTION

In the ninth episode of Dating Hotline presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - Chloé discusses High-Value Compliments that will get her attention. Plus, she answers two popular dating questions: 1. What is a quality compliment for a woman?  2. How do you compliment your man?

 
 

TRANSCRIPT

Ep 09: High-Value Compliments

Hi Dating Hotliners - how’s your day going? Well, we’re about to make it a little bit sweeter - Let’s talk about compliments - we all know how to give them and how to receive them but how do you give a high-value compliment? We’re going to breakdown the essence of a compliment and how to structure your compliment to articulate exactly what mean to say. Ya ready? Let’s go

SHOW MUSIC

Hellloooo and what’s up you guys? Welcome to the ninth episode of Dating Hotline, presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT the dating consultancy setting the standard in online dating. This is your host, Chloé Miller. I’m back in Chicago recording from our HQ studio...last week I was watching the sunset over the pacific ocean and now I’m watching it snow I miss the sun but it’s good to be home. 

Thank you guys, for listening today and every week - Dating Hotline releases new episodes EVERY WEDNESDAY at 11 am Central. So if you hit that cute little Subscribe button on Apple Podcast or Follow on Spotify or other streaming platforms Dating Hotline will automatically pop up in your player every week. This way, you’ll never miss an episode or juicy story. And you guys pleeeease leave us a review on Apple Podcasts. Your reviews help other people find Dating Hotline and then they listen to our show and then maaaaaybe just maybe you’ll be on a date with another Dating Hotline listener and you’ll see these tips in action. Now could you imagine that?!? How cool would that be….! As always, we post all of this information on the AND, SWIPE RIGHT website - it hosts our show notes, links to the business & products I feature and other gems like our newsletter - check it out andswiperight.com

In today’s episode, we’re going to focus specifically on how we construct compliments and then I’ll share with you how to offer a high-value complement for men and women. We’ve all heard about the “you’re beautiful”, “you look great...” “I like your smile” compliments but I want to talk about compliments that you don’t normally get. 

Tell me, what’s your favorite compliment? Kind of a strange question because we’re aren’t in control of what compliments we receive but we can become more aware of what compliments ring true and spark our soul. Then when we find people who see these attributes, you’ll know you’ve found someone who sees you. 

I have a couple of favorite compliments - “You look like Emma Roberts” yeah that’s my girl I get her or Hailey Bieber - honestly I don’t mind either :)  “You smell nice” Ooh thank you, I love hearing that, and “you’ve got great taste- I love your style”. WELL THANK YOU - I agree. I love getting each of these compliments for different reasons but mostly because each of these compliments things that I can’t control - it’s the essence of me. But we’re going deeper than what I just mentioned. 

Why? 

It’s simple if you become more aware of your favorite compliments to receive you’ll become more aware of the type of partner you’re seeking. I want to find a man who appreciates style and being as well dressed as I am. I’m also looking for someone who understands refinement and the sophistaction of high class and that includes the details in life - personal hygiene ie perfume/ cologne is an important aphrodisiac. Plus, having celebrity doppelgangers isn’t the worst thing in the world - I use them for style inspo :)

Dating Hotline Question Number 1 - What is a quality compliment for a woman? 

Guys - this one of my most popular questions. Many men have complained to me that their compliments don’t land well nor are they effective with the woman they are shared with. That’s because women don’t appreciate cookie-cutter compliments. We want you to tell us something specific and unique about us that you noticed - the more thought you put into crafting your compliment the deeper the sentiment.  

Now, there are two types of compliments that will get a woman’s attention. Guys, please don’t misunderstand me - yes, continue to tell her she’s beautiful and how much you love her and enjoy her company but try to work in these additional angles and you’ll notice she may respond differently... 

Ok, quality compliments - There are 2 ways you can compliment a woman saying things she already thinks about herself but enjoys the confirmation and the things she doesn’t think anyone notices about her.

  1. Recognizing and vocalizing the things she already thinks about herself - guys, your confirmation further reinstills her confidence in herself. Give her the compliment on what she thinks looks good - this is validation in her, in her decision, in her creative aesthetic, and the way she presents herself. - VALIDATION from the man she’s trying to impress…no one else’s opinion matters more than his and so when he recognizes her effort - this is the type of compliment that lifts her up and empowers her to take on the world. This is an example of emotional support. This is your “You look great in those glasses, like a sexy high power c-suite executive” “It’s so fun to watch you with your nieces and nephews, you are so sweet and good with them.” “I could listen to you talk about vacationing all day long, your stories are so interesting and I’m thinking about all the places we should go.  You’ll be my personal tour guide”

  2. The second type of compliment you can give a woman is a compliment she doesn’t think anyone notices about her. The type of compliment she doesn’t think she needs - the little things (things that seem trivial but show your listening and paying attention) This is your “I love the way you smile whenever you start talking about Colorado”, I love how you make us stop the car just to get out and pet the dog walking down the street.” I love your love for the earth, picking up trash wherever we are to make this place better and more beautiful for the next person. Your thoughtfulness and selfless actions show me exactly who you are and I love that about you….” Ok maybe you’re not at the “I love” phase so reword that into ‘I like how you……” or “When you do…..” Your goal here is to acknowledge the little parts of her that normally go unseen by other people in her life. This is about seeing her and expressing what she does that makes you fall more in love with them without even trying. 

The point here to dig deeper for a more meaningful compliment. It’s easy to fall back on our heels in a relationship at any stage (beginning, dating, or even long-term) and resort to “i like you” or “I love you” as enough to suffice the words of affirmation love language. But I’m here to remind you that it doesn’t. “I like you, I love you” is so powerful and so meaningful but THAT IS NOT A COMPLIMENT. Don’t get it twisted - that is an expression of your feelings, not a positive reflection of the other person. Knowing your partner’s feelings provides security within the relationship, sharing compliments feeds the relationship like water to a plant. Without kind words spoken to each other on a constant basis, the plant will not make it and you will feel deeply deprived of emotional support.  

Here’s a secret on complimenting a woman, **The second kind of compliment matters more!!**. Guys, you spend the most time with us - you stare at us, you watch us, you observe and notice - now use that information to share with her something special that she does that warms your heart when you see her do it. She’ll appreciate that only you noticed. This kind of complementary observation is the comment she’ll keep and carry with her. Maybe it’s because as a society we don’t receive enough genuine compliments on a normal day but when someone receives a compliment that speaks to their character, or the essence of them - you better believe they are going to carry that fond memory for some time.

Dating Hotline Question Number 2 - How do you compliment a high-value man?

High-value women don’t just throw out compliments like they are free - they are EARNED. So that when you do give him a compliment, he notices. This is unspoken and because so, when you do compliment anyone it holds weight. 

So what does this look like?

When giving a compliment to a high-value man don’t focus on the obvious, “great style, I like your hair, you are so handsome…” Ok wait, just as I told the guys earlier - yes continue to say these things but dig deeper for a weighty compliment. 

Ladies, when crafting your high-value complement, your goal is to create a compliment that ends up serving the purpose of positively reinforcing his behavior in the relationship. You express how his actions made you feel and in doing so you are showing him what you like and hope to get more of in the future. This compliment ends up being a purposeful positive reinforcement of something you enjoy. 

In other words, you want to bring your compliment back around to you so that you can explain WHY you like this. This is less about making you the center of the attention but more about positively reinforcing the specific behavior you enjoy in your relationship. Men enjoy making their women happy, so when you’re together, tell him clearly what and why you enjoy it and he’ll remember it.  

This is as simple as saying “I love when you -______ it makes me feel______.” For example “ I love when you grab my hand as we’re walking down the street, for that split second when our hands first touch, I feel like we are the only two people in the world.” “I love when you wear a bow-tie, it’s like it has this special power over me….” “I like that shirt on you, that color green pulls out the green in your eyes.”

Using this kind of sentence structure accomplishes multiple objects: validating him in your relationship by expressing your feelings, stroking his ego with a compliment, and by telling him how you feel from his actions he understands the WHY you said what you said. You’re reinforcing behavior and actions that you like and enjoy - in other words crafting the relationship you want. He may or may not notice all of these things are happening at one time, but he will remember the compliment in the moment and especially how it made him feel.

Sharing the WHY behind the compliment is key - this provides contextual information for the other person to gather a deeper understanding of YOU. Yes, they are being complimented but just a few extra words provides insight into you. Dating is about getting to know each other but why does the process have to be so hard? There’s already enough pressure on finding the person you enjoy spending time with, cut them some slack and help him get to know you. 

Curves & Kisses 

Last week I told you that we were going to flip the order of this because I don’t like ending things on a sour note. So this week we’re swerving and then blowing kisses. 

CURVE - Casualties of a breakup - this is what I call all the things you lose at the end of a relationship. These are the items that were skipped accidentally or intentionally when you returned your ex’s stuff. 

More specifically I’m talking about all the small things that I’ve left at a guy’s place with full intentions of taking it home with me next time only to never get that next time. And then I’m like welllll it wasn’t THAT expensive so I could replace it but like damn I loved that it was the perfect little piece….I could just go back and just ask him for it #noshame. But have I ever? HAHAHA hell no. I have more dignity than that. So, I’ve moved on and learned to live with less - ha, yeah right. 

To all my casualties of my breakups - mama still loves you and sends you to love from afar. Guys I’m talking about clothes, jewelry, crystals, accessories, books, cookware….I have evolved my wardrobe and personal items because of this ever-growing casualty list.

This week i lost some of my favorite earrings - this is why I can’t have nice things - they just end up not in my possession any more...so. To the person who benefits from those perfectly shaped teardrop earrings that highlighted my high cheekbones - you. are. welcome! The good news is I have a new favorite jeweler in LA that I’m obsessed with and right now - and I added two new pieces so I guess it all works out. But for all my Chicago girls, I’m totally crushing on these two in jewelers in Chicago - LA KAISER and Local Eclectic - if you don’t know about them their websites are posted in our show notes up on the AND, SWIPE RIGHT website. Super cute dainty jewelry with crystals, diamonds, moonstones, opals, and other gorgeous gemstones and of course 14K gold. Ha, as if I’d wear anything other than real gold….come on now, you know me better than that. If you want shopping tips & jewelry suggestions, or gift ideas - GET IN TOUCH WITH ME via the andswiperight.com website. I love shopping for other people!

KISS - LOVE IS BLIND - it’s an addictive trainwreck so don’t say I didn’t warn you but move over The Bachelor and Are You The One, because I don’t know who’s show hosts more drama. This 3-week streaming event on netflix holds nothing back. Girls have no problem calling out some guy’s weak dick game and these guys and so expressive with their emotions. It’s honestly reality tv gold. It’s the craziest premise - men and women meet and date a couple of people until it’s narrowed down to the person they want to marry. The catch - they never see the other person - they only communicate through a thin wall and it’s only after they are engaged to do they finally get to meet irl. The experiment concludes with them moving in together, meeting the parents, and then getting married. IT’S nuts if you ask me - but it’s great tv, haha. 

Also, remember back in episode 6 when I told you to break the invisible personal space barrier before the end of the first date. This show is exactly why that is so important. One couple, in particular, showcases this example perfectly. Their relationship takes off intellectually and emotionally but their physical relationship struggled to find it’s feet. It’s uncomfortable to watch them work through these cringe-worthy awkward moments and try to catch the physical side up to speed with someone they are emotionally comfortable with but not yet physically. 

But this proves the value of a dynamic relationship. Bonding and connecting on different levels creates a sustainable foundation for your relationship to grow. Anything less than all 3 aspects - emotional, intellectual, and physical, and your relationship may struggle to stay afloat in the long run. 

I HIGHLY recommend watching it. Love is Blind - IDK why but they have Nick and Vanessa Lachey hosting it but because it’s not a game show - it’s an experiment - you actually see people honor their emotions and work through things like a “real couple”. Since there is  no prize to win - it’s really about the bond they build together while in the pod. (As real as tv love can get...) Binge the whole show on Netflix it is absolutely addictive, emotionally stirring (i love watching people fall in love) and awkward as fuck when people fight but you guys it’s so juicy. Pluuuus, the season finale drops tomorrow - as in all of the weddings - do each of the couples go through with it?! I have my guesses but we’ll reconvene next week. 

Side note - There are 2 contestants out of 12 that are from Chicago - I’m not surprised whatsoever to hear this. Chicago is such a dating app-dominant city the only way to meet people is through an app. These individuals felt this type of blind meet was better suited for their dating strengths. Check it out - it’s a real-life social experiment and I AM HERE FOR THIS.!!!

Ok, that’s our show for this week - thank you for tuning in to DATING HOTLINE presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT a dating consultancy setting the standard in online dating. This is your host Chloé Miller. Thank you to our music transition composer Nikolas Thorpe over at Sound Lounge. If there's something you want to talk about in the future episodes, there's a link in the show notes where you can submit your stories. Otherwise, you guys, DM me your dating questions, email me your thoughts, and please, please, please tell all of your friends to listen. Don’t forget to leave us a review - we want 5 stars! Dating hotline releases new episodes every Wednesday at 11 am CENTRAL. Don’t forget to subscribe and leave us a review on Apple Podcast and follow us on Spotify. 

OUTRO

 
Chloé Miller, MA, LPC, MFTCComment