Ep 11: Vacation Theory
Dating Hotline, a podcast presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT
Dating Hotline
Ep. 11
Vacation Theory
SHOW NOTES
- DATING HOTLINE -
Ep 11: Vacation Theory
Host: Chloé Miller
Production: AND, SWIPE RIGHT
Show Music: Andrew Langdon
Transition Music: Nikolas Thorpe
“ Vacation Theory is a great opportunity for reflection and to see what expectations you have on your own dating life and what could happen if you wanted to let go of some of those expectations that are holding you back from finding love at home. This is something you can do by yourself if you just start noticing what attracted you to that person and what worked while you were in a miro-relationship. Every relationship we experience teaches us an helps us grow into more sophisticated people. Vacation Theory is like a kiddie pool for your love life. It helps you get your feet wet while safely exposing you to the simulation of a relationship. In other words, Vacation Theory supports personal growth, offers emotional healing, and provides great learning lessons if you take the time to reflect."
-Chloé Miller
Founder, & CEO of AND, SWIPE RIGHT
EPISODE DESCRIPTION
In the eleventh episode of Dating Hotline presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - Chloé discusses Vacation Theory. Plus, she answers two popular dating questions: 1. What is Vacation Theory? 2. Does Vacation Theory work outside of vacation?
LINKS
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The Second City’s - Improv Comedy Program
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TRANSCRIPT
Dating Hotline Episode 11 Vacation Theory
Hi Dating Hotliners - it’s March 11 and it’s 6 days before St. Patrick’s Day and 13 days before my birthday...I love the month of March. It’s my birthday month and also it brings good energy because it brings SPRING and when spring comes to mind, my mind goes straight to planning a spring break trip. And what happens on spring break………. yesssss that’s exactly what we are going to be discussing - VACATION THEORY. Ya ready? Let’s go….
SHOW MUSIC
Hellloooo and what’s up you guys? Welcome to the eleventh episode of Dating Hotline, this is your host, Chloé Miller. I’m working on new things to add to the Dating Hotline show - but in the meantime, I need your help. I need you to send me your dating stories. I want to hear what you guys are going through. I clearly can talk and talk about my dates (and I will don’t you worry) but maybe you’ve experienced something I haven’t. Let’s chat about it! Send me an email at info@datinghotline.com or contact us via the AND, SWIPE RIGHT website. Also, if you would like to be a guest on our show please send us an email as well. There are some new things in the work and I’m so excited to share them with you!
Dating Hotline is presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - Chicago’s online dating & relationship consultancy. Through services like Online Dating & Relationship Coaching, Image Consultanting, and creating Dating Profiles AND SWIPE RIGHT IS the only dating consultancy offering support throughout all stages of dating. AND, SWIPE RIGHT is setting the standard in online dating by empowering single men and women with high-value dating techniques.
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Today we are talking about the bittersweet illusion of vacation theory. Have you ever heard of this before? Probably not because I named it Vacation Theory back in 2008 but once I became aware of it I started to see it appear in more places than just vacations. It’s a unique problem-solving strategy our brains use when working with what we have in front of us - in any sort of relationship - our subconscious minds are smarter than the credit we give them.
Dating Hotline Question Number 1 - What is Vacation Theory?
Vacation theory is a term used to describe a romance that blossoms under a bubble shielding the two from real-life challenges and allowing nothing to stand in the way of their budding romance. Sometimes this can be for long periods of time but most situations this is about a week or so, aptly named “vacation theory.” In other words, this is the term used to describe why you fall so hard for that guy you met on your vacation and why it was a blissfully perfect romance over those days.
Vacation Theory is your subconscious ability to find the most attractive & compatible partner given the specific situation. We are social being and we need a community of people - that’s our Root Chakra - in order to keep this balanced and then to activate any other Chakras we need a strong sense of community. We thrive with support and deteriorate with isolation. Vacation Theory is our innate desire for partnership and acceptance that bonds us to one another, and it’s the flood of emotions that creates this chemical reaction in the brain giving us a high every time we see that person. In other words, we have created this sense of emotional and physical security within this person that doesn’t exist outside the context of this undefined but very obviously defined relationship. I’m talking about those fast and heavy romances where you have an entire relationship in a week’s vacation. How is this possible on a vacation but not at home when you’re even more available and open to the idea of a relationship?
It’s because of the controlled environment. Both individuals are entering into this environment and exchanging all inhibitions for the opportunity of a good time. You’ve left your worries behind and you’re here, you’re present. Bot individuals are opening themself and their heart to receive love in any language. This creates space for someone to catch your attention, you have now shifted your energy to the equivalent of a neon flashing sign reading “come talk to me”. You become magnetic.
Now, when you get roped into that volleyball game that’s happening down at the resort’s pool and you spot that sexy man, and you make your way on to his team….this is Vacation Theory in action. Vacation Theory finds the most attractive & compatible person within the context, meaning we will adjust our normal standards of our desired partner on vacation because these are your options and time is limited. You have to find the best within these individuals…
This is ALL happening subconsciously. There’s never a conscious through that races through our minds comparing one person to another in this way - but rather it’s an instinctive feeling that we are attracted to this person. Our intuition guides us into following our emotions and this is where magical memories are made on vacations. The unexpected fun.
Vacation Theory also has a different concept of time. Every hour in vacation theory is the equivalent of like 5 dates so by the time you’re on your on day 3 of 5 of your vacation you’re basically boyfriend and girlfriend having all of your meals together, and spending every minute together. It’s the perfect romantic set up - a gorgeous relaxing vacation resort and then you meet this attractive person who’s into you too, uhh yes, please. Who wouldn’t say yes to this?!
Because you know this is finite, and that you will be going home one day, this is when you lean into the romance without fear because the end date creates its own emotional security. But you guys, this is loving unconditionally and with an open heart. This is what can happen if we step out of our own way, heal from our previous romantic trauma and let love take you to a whole new place.
Vacation Theory is a great opportunity for reflection and to see what expectations you have on your own dating life and what could happen if you wanted to let go of some of those expectations that are holding you back from finding love at home. This is something you can do by yourself if you just start noticing what attracted you to that person and what worked while you were in a miro-relationship. Every relationship we experience teaches us an helps us grow into more sophisticated people. Vacation Theory is like a kiddie pool for your love life. It helps you get your feet wet while safely exposing you to the simulation of a relationship. In other words, Vacation Theory supports personal growth, offers emotional healing, and provides great learning lessons if you take the time to reflect. Which shouldn’t be hard because usually there’s a flight home to daydream about the memories you two created together.
But remember how I said I started noticing vacation theory in other parts of my life? Not just while I was on vacation? Well, the more I became aware of it the more I started to see other special circumstances that create space for vacation theory to exist. For example Work husbands & work wives. You might not normally meet hang out or have any sort of relationship had it not been for your employer introducing you, but this person gets you, they are your other half - that’s why they are your work husband/work wife. Outside of the office you two can hang out but it wouldn’t be the same. And even in some cases, the individuals have real-life husbands and wives so very clearly the vacation theory bubble is the work environment. When both individuals are at work, everything works in their favor supporting their working relationship.
What’s the take away from Question 1: Vacation theory is a great opportunity to learn more about your dating habits. We don’t get post-date reviews, omg could you imagine getting a text that says “ on a scale of one to 5 how many stars would you rate Chloé from your evening with her last night….” no that’s so dangerous and honestly I only see bad outcomes from that. But how do you learn what works and doesn’t? Vacation Theory relationships are those micro-relationships that can provide insight into your dating life.
Dating Hotline Question Number 2 - Does Vacation Theory work outside of the vacation?
The short answer to this question is NO. The long answer goes something like this.
No - that’s the thorn of this rose, it’s beautiful but it has to come to an end at some point. Becuase of the fundamental rule of the theory needing a controlled, time-restricted environment those factors create pressure to present your best self during vacation theory which allows for a romance to bud, blossom, and end, all in a hyperspeed timeline. This romance is fast and heavy but under no circumstance would work outside of this controlled environment.
Real-life sets in and for all the reasons that your romance worked while on vacation, it has very low odds of working out after the trip is over. The magic that made your relationship work is no longer there to sustain it in the long run. The biggest commonality you two had during that week on vacation is the time you shared together while on vacation. When this is removed, you two see each other differently and realize them outside of the context you first met them is a bit different than what you expected. Those rose-colored glasses come off and you step out of the honeymoon phase. Guys, I’m telling you when you have this micro-relationships they are intense because your emotions take you all over the place...the trick is to manage your emotions throughout the relationships by reminding yourself daily of what is reality and what is your daydream.
This is simply executed with an honest conversation with yourself. Whenever I need to “sit myself down” I find a mirror so I can talk to myself eye to eye. In two short sentences, I run down what’s real and what’s a daydream.
“Chloé, you are on vacation with your girlfriends, you are going home on Friday with your girlfriends. You are only here for 3 more days with your girlfriends.”
Chloé you are daydreaming about spending as much time with him as possible, you daydreaming about enjoying this sexy man’s attention, and you are daydreaming about the future that isn’t going to happen. Just enjoy what today brings, enjoy his company right now.”
Sometimes if he’s really sexy, I have to tell my self this twice. I use it like a mantra so that I don’t lose my shit and fall head over heels for this random guy I meet in Mexico one year…. Keep yourself grounded while your emotions whisk you off your feet.
But back to our example - now the vacation days have come and gone and it’s time to say goodbye. Yo two met at the beginning of the week, hit it off, and now it’s time to leave. What do you do? How do you end things? Do you keep in touch? Do you visit each other? Is this romance continuing after the vacation? If I’m your girlfriend on this trip does that make us girlfriend and boyfriend when we go home? Are you breaking up with me? There’s a lot of questions to be answers and those questions just add even more pressure on something so fragile as Vacation Theory.
My advice when it comes to vacation romances, leave them on the vacation. You never want anything to end on a bad note so all of my advice leads to exiting while on a high. That applies here too. I think the best solution with vacation theory relationships is to end it in person to allow yourself the full opportunity to process the emotions. This is a micro-relationship we’re talking about - I don’t care if it happened in 3 days or if it was 7, the time has no impact on our emotions and the roller coaster a micro relationship takes you on is just as impactful as a regular relationship. Not ending it in person prevents you from finding closure easily. Let me be clear, this is achievable simply with a hug/kiss goodbye, and saying “i had a really fun week with you”. Leave the break up unspoken but make it clear that this has come to an end. Don’t invite him to come to see you, don’t leave space for that. Your heart will hold hope for that and ultimately that will drag out the moving on process. You’re looking to celebrate the time you shared and solidify the memory of a firey vacation romance. All good things have to come to an end.
That said - I heard of 3 different stories this week of women coming home from vacations and the guy they met on the trip flying halfway around the world just to visit them two weeks later......sooooooo…...very clearly people are doing whatever they want out here. But let him offer that if it even comes up. Make him come to you!. But yeah, I still stand by the fact that that is the EXCEPTION, not the norm. Be pleasantly surprised if this happens instead of unexpectedly disappointed. And if you’re looking to stay on top of your emotions and not be controlled by them, manage your expectations appropriately. Be thankful for the time you shared but don’t look at this as someting that will continue outside of this vacation.
Ok so what’s the take away from Q2 - Leave the Vacation Theory romance on the vacation and emotionally end things on the vacation to allow yourself to process and find closure. But this is not to say you shouldn’t share information and keep in touch with each other - who doesn’t want another person to follow them on Instagram. And to be honest it’s getting those likes from your vacation theory guys who thought you were hot years ago and still think you are today that are some of the more flattering likes because two seconds later they’re in your DMs.
Curves & Kisses
Swerving and blowing kisses as we go….
Our Curve this week goes out to casualties of the breakup part 2.
So you know how I was telling you about those earrings that I lost. Well, you guys I attempted to go back and get them but my efforts were not successful. I was met with “I want to see you really fucking soon” and then never got the date scheduled. So that tells me so much, A] homeboy is not interested in seeing me all that soon and B] I am in his rotation. Not a great place to be, but at the same time it is because it showed me that the door is still open - we’re not “broken up” but that nothing serious is coming out of this. Actions speak volumes. It’s cool cuz he was in my ho-tation too. Shoutout to Issa Rae & Insecure on HBO.
But you know when you meet someone and you’re like oh you are going to be so bad for me but yes just come and fuck my life up. There’s a song that I’ll put in our show notes for - it’s appropriate. It’s called FML by Arizona Zervas - I think we’ve all met some one like this and was like oh yeah we know better but that didn’t matter. He’s that person - I do enjoy his company but I know I’m playing with fire with him. Somewhere I’m gonna get burned. Better to lose my earrings than anything else.
And our Kiss this week is specifically saved for the coronavirus canceling vacation plans, including my birthday trip. Strange I know but hear me out. Every year I travel for my birthday - last year I was in Thailand hanging out with elephants, and yachting around the Thai islands, the year before I was in the Pacific Northwest glamping in the cutest little A-Frame cottage (I’ll share the pictures in our show notes) I actually booked this Airbnb because of their Instagram page. It was so charming! But this year, I was going to go to Plam Springs with some friends but I don’t want to be quarantined sooooo I canceled the vacation and decided to stay in Chicago.
But you guys, the good news is that when you let go of something you make space for something new. I let go of my birthday trip and made space for a new Chloé clutch. Now I’ll bring my Chloé with me to my rescheduled Palm Springs birthday party. Sometimes adjusted plans are better plans. I’m good with it. So I’m now doing my birthday in Chicago and this now means I need to chose carefully which guys in my hotation am I inviting...I can’t have them all showing up---> and this is the exact reason why I travel for my birthday. When you’re out of town, your hottation wants to take you out to celebrate when you get back so you end up getting like 10 birthday dinners out of it…...guys try it - it’s fun.
Ok, that’s our show for this week - thank you for tuning in to Dating Hotline - presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - Chicago’s #1 full-service dating and dating & relationship consultancy. This is your host Chloé Miller. Thank you to our music transition composer Nikolas Thorpe over at Sound Lounge. If there's something you want to talk about in the future episodes, there's a link in the show notes where you can submit your stories. Otherwise, you guys, DM me your dating questions, email me your thoughts, and please, please, please tell all of your friends to listen. Don’t forget to leave us a review - we want 5 stars! Dating hotline releases new episodes every Wednesday at 11 am CENTRAL. Don’t forget to subscribe and leave us a review on Apple Podcast and follow us on Spotify.
OUTRO