Ep 12: Situationships
Dating Hotline, a podcast presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT
Dating Hotline
Ep. 12
Situationships
SHOW NOTES
- DATING HOTLINE -
Ep 12: Situationships
Host: Chloé Miller
Production: AND, SWIPE RIGHT
Show Music: Andrew Langdon
Transition Music: Nikolas Thorpe
“Let’s start by defining a situationship. What is a situationship? A situtaionship is a romantic relationship between two individuals but between the current hook up culture and the expectations of a traditional couple, the relationship settles down at the lowest common denominator - casually spending time together, sleeping with each other, and doing other boyfriend & girlfriend activities but without the real relationship privileges."
-Chloé Miller
Founder, & CEO of AND, SWIPE RIGHT
EPISODE DESCRIPTION
In the twelfth episode of Dating Hotline presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - Chloé breaks down Situationships, when we get into them, how we recognize them, and then what we do to get out of them. Plus, she answers two popular dating questions: 1. How to tell when you’re in a situationship? 2. What to do if you’re in a situationship?
LINKS
Netflix - Love Is Blind Trailer
The Second City’s - Improv Comedy Program
Cari Rogers - Heal Thy Self Website ll Tribe Healing Arts Website
Infared Pilates - Solarium Website
AND, SWIPE RIGHT Services
Click here to schedule your
Personal Styling Appointments
Dating Hotline Contact
Send Us Fan Mail: datinghotline@andswiperight
Follow Us: @DatingHotlinePodcast
Listen On: Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts
Want to be a guest on Dating Hotline?
Email us here
TRANSCRIPT
Dating Hotline
Episode 12: Situtionships
Hi Dating Hotliners - where are you listening to us from? Are you home and self-quarantine-ing? I’m kind of enjoying this two-week self-quarantine (well, sorta) because I feel like this is mother nature’s way of forcing the world to slow down. We literally have a 2 week - staycation and yes there are a lot of other factors happening right now but if you can only focus on what’s within our control our mental health will be much more stable. The ripple effect of this pandemic is overwhelming but focus on finding the abundance in your daily life. The abundance of time you now have at home, the abundance of food you have in your fridge, the abundance of emails you have in your inbox, this will keep your energy high-vibe and guys, that’s what I’m most concerned about. If we all start to let ourselves carry the weight of these heavy societal factors it’s going to start to impact you. Find three things to focus on every day during this period - I am challenging you to keep an abundance mindset while in a time where scarcity could easily take over.
Ok, that’s really all I’m going to talk about with COVID-19, I am not a medical professional, and I am not the smartest person in the room when it comes to this global health concern but I see the impact it can have on our dating life and THAT is my concern. Unless you are living with your significant other - then this self-quarantine could be very detrimental to your dating life. We’re talking about what could be great relationships never taking off, and now that we’ve been given the most convenient breakup line, “social distancing” let’s talk about when social distancing is happening in your relationship. Let’s go….
SHOW MUSIC
Hellloooo and what’s up you guys? Welcome to the twelfth episode of Dating Hotline, this is your host, Chloé Miller. Dating Hotline is presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - Chicago’s online dating & relationship consultancy. Through services like Online Dating & Relationship Coaching, Image Consultanting, Personal Styling, and creating and engaging dating profiles AND SWIPE RIGHT IS Chicago’s Online Dating & Relationship consultancy offering support throughout all stages of dating. AND, SWIPE RIGHT is setting the standard in online dating by empowering single men and women with high-value dating techniques.
Thank you guys, for listening today and every week - Dating Hotline releases new episodes EVERY WEDNESDAY at 11 am Central. So if you hit that cute little Subscribe button on Apple Podcast or Follow on Spotify or other streaming platforms Dating Hotline will automatically pop up in your player every week. This way, you’ll never miss an episode or juicy story. And you guys pleeeease leave us a review on Apple Podcasts. Your reviews help other people find Dating Hotline and then they listen to our show. We have a 5.0 rating and we’re really proud of it! After you’ve left your review - send me a screenshot. I want to make sure to thank you appropriately. And, if you’ve already left me one - send me that screenshot so I can know who you are!
We post all of this information on the AND, SWIPE RIGHT website - Our show notes host links to the business & products we feature and other gems like our newsletter - check it out andswiperight.com
Are you self-quarantineing? Well, the rest of the world is and because we are ALL home alone and NOT meeting up wit people IRL - get yourself back on those dating apps! AND since the economy isn’t needing a little love, I’m slashing the price for Dating Profiles and offering free profile consultations and revamped dating profiles for $125 - that’s 75% off! Guys, let’s get real - we now have 2 full weeks to court these ladies and set yourself up with a couple of great dates.
You guys, remember how I talked about planning my Chicago birthday party? Well, I’ve planned it - it’s online and the theme is Social Distancing at 30. Tuesday, March 24, FaceTime me and let’s hang out because this is new for me too….
But speaking of social distancing which I think is the new “oh how convenient” break up line...let’s talk about social distancing and how that and other factors can lead to situationships. In today’s episode, we are going to breakdown situationships, whene we get into them, how we recognize them, and then what we do to get out of them.
Dating Hotline Question #1 - How to tell when you’re in a situationship?
Let’s start by defining a situationship. What is a situationship? A situtaionship is a romantic relationship between two individuals but between the current hook up culture and the expectations of a traditional couple, the relationship settles down at the lowest common denominator - casually spending time together, sleeping with each other, and doing other boyfriend & girlfriend activities but without the real relationship privileges. For example, meeting his friends and being introduced as his girlfriend, or even meeting his family or his parents. Those are reserved for special girls only but what makes you NOT special? NOTHING. Don’t buy into that - it’s NOT YOU. Instead, I want you to start to become aware of situationships as they start to form.
They usually start out like a normal relationship would - go out on a couple of dates you hook up a couple of times and then you sort of settle into a routine with your dating life with this individual. This is when I want you to pay particular attention. The play for a situationship will not happen at the beginning of the relationship - it will happen around dates 5, 6 or even 7. This is not a test but rather a lack of motivation to give more effort.
They’ve already impressed you and caught your attention enough to continue seeing them, but HERE’s the move guys - this is where the effort starts to back off. He will continue to do all the things he did when you two first met, but maybe he’ll wait a bit longer to respond to your text messages or to call you back. Maybe he’ll start to pick and choose which texts he wants to respond to, maybe he tells you he’s going out with friends and will meet up with you later - rather than inviting you to join him with his friends. Ladies, this is covert - it has to be so subtle that you don’t notice the actions and they are so insignificant that you wouldn’t point them out because if you did you would sound petty. BUT those exact interactions that you let slide are reducing the potential of a relationship down to a situationship.
In other words, you excusing his actions for his decreased effort reduces your value in the relationship and ultimately his value in you. As a result, this can make you feel like he’s rejecting you personally because you can see he’s pulling back -- or should we call it social distancing. This can feel emotionally defeating because you are getting closer and closer to this person as they are measuring your value in their life.
Situtationships are one-sided, they can be difficult to recover from because they weren’t real relationships but treat them like a relationship. Give your self-time to grieve and heal from the emotional loss, you let someone in, you thought there was a connection but now that’s over. Don’t let someone else see your worth and then try to renegotiate it later down the line. You know you are high-value, it’s your job to enforce your high-value standards. Don’t settle for a situationship with someone - even if you’re not looking for a serious relationship - the dynamic between two people when emotions are involved MUST ALWAYS HAVE boundaries and ground rules. Without them, or even inferred boundaries, you are setting yourself up for pain down the road. Having an honest, open conversation about your feelings and expectations of the relationship between you two is ALWAYS the best move, it’s high-value. Plus this is like establishing the future of your partnership - if it changes it will be easy for you to see and therefore easy to decide if you want to stay or if you want to leave. Situations arise because of lack of boundaries, or a lack of ENFORCED boundaries. I want you to avoid this by stating what you want earlier in the game - like maybe around date two or three so that you know that you’re both working towards the same goal. If you wait too long, that’s when it can feel uncomfortable to discuss and DING DING DING you know you’ve found yourself in a situationship.
When neither one of you feels comfortable enough to bring up your feelings about what you two have because you’re both “it’s cool, I don’t want to ruin what we have with a label” or “we haven’t talked about it yet but I know, we’re not seeing other people……” or “yeah I mean I think we’re together, we hanging out all the time but he’s never called me his girlfriend…” when you’re the one saying these remarks you are in a situationship. You sound like you’re being all cool-girl but really it’s a total backfire. The Cool-Girl is the one who has boundaries and knows how to enforce them - (guys like a little crazy) - but the cool girl who lets things slide is a girl who doesn’t value herself more to tell him to cut it out. Put the bumpers up for him, let him know where his lane is but also let him know when he’s about to cross a line.
You could say I’m in a situationship with the guy who has my earrings but that would require that we talked more regularly than we do so that’s not a situationship. That’s what I call the slow fizzle. It’s exactly what it sounds like - a slow no but never really ending it. I broke my own rules trying to get those earrings back and my efforts were unsuccessful. At some point, you have to just cut your losses and move forward. Recognizing the slow fizzle is key but your intuition will guide you when it’s happening, you’ll just have a feeling or a hunch. We know when we are someone’s priority and we know when we are not. But knowing what to do when you’re not can be tricky.
Dating Hotline Question #2 - What to do if you’re in a situationship?
Ok, so you’ve realized you’re in a situationship. Now what? Well, you have a choice to make - do you want to continue in this faux-relationship and go through the motions without any of the girlfriend privileges? Or do you want to walk away and find someone who will value ALL of you with a happier and healthier relationship?
My advice is to be high-value and WALK AWAY. If the situationship is worth it and he feels that way too, he has your number. He can call you and tell you that “he can’t live without you and that you have to come back to him because he just doesn’t exist without you.” Or you can believe me when I tell you he won’t be doing that.
Because the guys that are ok with situationships are the guys that you should not be dating. They don’t see your value. Now YOU may not be showing your value appropriately so this is not entirely the guy’s fault. I’m not bashing on my guys - Ladies, I’m showing you how they mirror what you show them. If you want more respect then you need to command more respect. If you want to be treated as high-value then you need to show him that you are high-value. In high-value relationships, men follow our lead, so keep that in mind when you’re not pleased with your interactions in your relationship. Try to change your actions and see if his actions change as a result. Or book an appointment with me and we’ll work together!
Now, when do you leave and how do you call it - that’s the question. It’s a carefully timed cat-mouse game so here are a few pointers -
If the situationship is worth it and he feels that way too, he would come back to you and THAT’s when you have a conversation establishing NEW boundaries for this relationship. Be very explicit with what wasn’t working and what you need more of to feel secure in your relationship. But remember this is probably not the norm. Don’t expect this, to happen in your situationship. This way if you’re that 1% that it does happen to, you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
But for the rest of us, here’s how you carefully play this move - If you have the conversation before he feels like he has anything to lose, he will be less interested (or motivated) to change his behaviors or effort because right now where things are works for him. But it clearly doesn’t for you. So, pick up your dignity, and walk out. End thing carefully - I want you to be very specifically clear when ending this situationship.
Say something like “What we have here is fun, and I like it, but I can’t do this any longer. It’s unfair to hold this space for you in my life with only this level of commitment. I need more” You don’t need to blame each other for unfulfilled expectations but this calmly delivered message articulates exactly why this isn’t working and what you need for it to be mutually successful. The message you’re sending is that you want more. But instead of waiting for him to agree to it, you’ve already made up your mind. This shows him that you know your worth but more importantly, you recognize that HE’s not giving you the value that you have for yourself and because of that, you’re leaving. This is such an empowering move because ladies, there’s nothing worse than letting some guy you’re seeing decide your worth and then try to give you situationship actions.
DO NOT ACCEPT THAT! You know your worth, you set your worth and enforce those standards with firm boundaries. Situtationships have no rules because generally there are no boundaries. And worse, situationships are the lowest level of dating because they are not honored or respected enough to be considered something real. You are one step up from hook up buddies like you had in college...yeah it’s that low on the totem pole.
But ladies, you have to know - that by making this move - you are walking away from the situationship. You cannot hold hope that he will come after you and fight for you (that’s a fairytale, that doesn’t happen). You need to end it emotionally when you break up and more importantly, you can not give out empty threats when you say you’re done. Boundaries don’t work without enforcement, don’t be weak when it comes to defending your boundaries. Your worth is not cheap, don’t accept a cheap offer.
Ok, so what’s the take away from Q2 - You have to be strong and make a decision. More importantly, you have to be HIGH-VALUE and walk away. Situationships are one-sided relationships, they prevent you from forming a relationship with anyone else but yet they don’t honor you with the respect of a full relationship. You’re left emotionally wanting more...save yourself the heartache and leave as soon as you realize you’re in one. Find a better man.
CURVES + KISSES
We are swerving and blowing kisses….
CURVE -
First, we curve around how hard it can be to accept that it’s over. Whether it’s a breakup, a slow fizzle or a social distancing situationship - we may know that it’s over but emotionally we might not want to accept it for some time. Be patient with yourself during this time, you are emotionally healing and that takes time. Reflecting on it, I had a feeling I was never going to get my earrings back but surprisnginly it took me longer to accept that it was over. Now, I’m back in the market for some earrings and a new man.
KISS -
And we blow kisses to this forced retreat. There is so much we can do during this time, have you guys heard how positively the earth is responding to this global quarantine. The canals in Venice Italy are so clear you can see the fish in the water again, China has reduced its emissions that the sky is blue again. Mother Nature forced a two-week vacation, I get it. When you need a break you need a break
——
Ok, that’s our show for this week - thank you for tuning in to Dating Hotline - presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - Chicago’s #1 full-service dating and dating & relationship consultancy. This is your host Chloé Miller. Thank you to our music transition composer Nikolas Thorpe over at Sound Lounge. If there's something you want to talk about in the future episodes, there's a link in the show notes where you can submit your stories. Otherwise, you guys, DM me your dating questions, email me your thoughts, and please, please, please tell all of your friends to listen. Don’t forget to leave us a review - we want 5 stars! Dating hotline releases new episodes every Wednesday at 11 am CENTRAL. Don’t forget to subscribe and leave us a review on Apple Podcast and follow us on Spotify.
OUTRO