Ep 14: Dating vs. Boyfriend Privileges
Dating Hotline, a podcast presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT
Dating Hotline
Ep. 14
Dating vs. Boyfriend Privileges
SHOW NOTES
- DATING HOTLINE -
Ep 14: Dating vs. Boyfriend Privileges
Host: Chloé Miller
Production: AND, SWIPE RIGHT
Show Music: Andrew Langdon
Transition Music: Nikolas Thorpe
“ …In other words, I’ve been teaching you the importance of living a high-value life through the words you say, the actions you make, and the energy you give off but let’s zoom in deeper on where to draw the line between boyfriend and a just dating. "
-Chloé Miller
Founder, & CEO of AND, SWIPE RIGHT
EPISODE DESCRIPTION
In the fourteenth episode of Dating Hotline presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - Chloé discusses boyfriend privileges vs just dating privileges for example where to draw the line, when he’s earned boyfriend privileges, and how to communicate those unspoken messages. Plus, she answers two popular dating questions: 1. What are boyfriend privileges and when do you extend them? 2. How do you define boundaries in a relationship?
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TRANSCRIPT
Dating Hotline
Ep 14:
Just dating vs Boyfriend Privileges
Hi, Dating Hotlines - Did anyone notice today is April Fool’s...no, because we are out here literally fighting for our lives right now. Between battling cabin fever, stir-crazy anxiety, and a decrease in our vision from the increased screentime, I’m interrupting your regularly scheduled Netflix binge of Tiger King - hold up, that show is beyond WILD - caps lock - to help establish some basic ground rules of dating. April fools jokes are mean and so is leading someone one. We believe you can date without being cruel. Today we’re going to dive into where to draw the line, when he’s earned boyfriend privileges, and how to communicate those unspoken messages. Ya ready? Let’s go.
Show Music
Helloooooo and welcome to the 14th episode of Dating Hotline, this is your host, Chloé Miller. Dating Hotline is presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - an online dating & relationship consultancy. Through services like Dating & Relationship Coaching, Image Consultanting, Personal Styling, and creating engaging dating profiles AND SWIPE RIGHT is an online dating consultancy offering support throughout all stages of dating. AND, SWIPE RIGHT is setting a high-value standard in online dating by empowering single women and men with dating techniques.
Thank you for listening today and every week - Dating Hotline releases new episodes EVERY WEDNESDAY at 11 am Central Time. So if you hit that little subscribe button on Apple Podcast or Follow on Spotify Dating Hotline you will automatically get our new episode every week. This way, you’ll never miss an episode or juicy story. And you guys leave us a review on Apple Podcasts. Your reviews help other people find Dating Hotline and then they listen to our show. We have a 5.0 rating and we are quite proud of it! After you’ve left your review - send me a screenshot. I want to make sure to thank you appropriately. We post all of this information on the AND, SWIPE RIGHT website - Our show notes host links to the business & products we feature and other gems like our newsletter - check it out andswiperight.com
Let’s talk about boyfriend privileges vs just dating privileges. Have you ever given thought to this before? My guess, probably not. But this is the sort of stuff that I think about all day long. Where to draw the line when you’re just dating and what has been earned once you are dating. And once you do start dating, in which direction does the boundary expand before you start to lose yourself along the way. These are the type of questions I analyze and then experiment with my own dating life and here are the deductions I’ve come up with.
Just like I’ve been telling you to unravel yourself piece by piece, your actions should be mirroring your words. In other words, if you are telling him you’re busy you should not be texting him all day long chatting. That sends a completely different message. You think you are prioritizing him in your busy day but he thinks well you can’t be that busy if we spent the entire day texting….These miscommunications grow into misunderstandings and then that forms a misrepresentation of who you are. This is how you can show up incorrectly and not realize how your impact is off-target. This is known as being unaware of your impact. Today we’re going to discuss a couple of examples of where to draw the line with a guy when he’s “oh just someone I’m seeing” vs “this is my boyfriend”.
Guys, listen up, this may sound like it’s advice just for women but it’s not. This is advice for you too because now you can see the whole picture. If you can see clearly you can make a logical decision and ultimately be more empathetic towards each other. This is a foundation of Dating Hotline and it’s exactly why we chose to share our advice with both women and men.
Many people have told me that I won’t be successful speaking to both audiences and many people have told me to narrow down to just one group of the dating population but we disagree. How can we fix something if we are only addressing part of the problem, and then better, if I were to focus on only giving advice to ladies, well then in that sense, I would be perpetuating a gaslighting cycle that women are the problem in the relationship and there’s no culpability or need for the man to change. And that we don’t agree with. So - it’s 2020 and we believe everyone shares in the culpability equally. Ladies and Gentlemen, listen up, if you get the whole picture you can then decide how you want to act once you know the rules of the game. That’s what we’re doing here at Dating Hotline and that’s what we’re discussing today.
Dating Hotline Q 1: What are boyfriend privileges and when do you extend them?
This is the million-dollar question for everyone and to be completely honest, it’s going to be different for each relationship. This comes down to your self-worth and how much you value yourself and then how you measure someone’s effort in earning your attention.
In other words, I’ve been teaching you the importance of living a high-value life through the words you say, the actions you make, and the energy you give off but let’s zoom in deeper on where to draw the line between boyfriend and a just dating.
First example: When it comes to making your own plans where do you draw the line?
With A Boyfriend - you should confer with him before committing your Saturday night to out with your girlfriends. Let me be clear, you’re not asking for permission but rather you are informing him that you are making other plans that night and he should feel free to plan his night by himself. This is a courtesy that shows that your priority is the relationship but this night is a me-night. Also, it’s never fun finding out that your partner has made plans with the boys and you find out hours before….the heads up keeps the communication channel open and both individuals understand and agree to the plan
When you’re Just Dating - don’t check with him before setting the plans. If you’re seeing each other and he hasn’t asked to see you on Saturday night then you know you need to fill up your schedule so your only offer would be - “well, I’m going out with some friends but maybe we can meet up later in the evening.” When you are dating - this ray of hope is all you need to give to a guy to make him move mountains. Tell him he has the opportunity to meet up with you but don’t reach out to him first. When you take away part of the plan that he wanted (for example seeing you earlier in the evening) he definitely won’t want to throw it all away and walk away with nothing. No, he’s going to compromise and agree to your terms. So make him chase you since you know he wants to see you. This is part of the give and takes that you show early in the relationship that establishes your boundaries and the importance of your own independent life. Him meeting up with you after the event or towards the end of it is the boyfriend move. The more he starts to meet you ‘on your way home’ the closer your bond will grow this is the emotional bond, the “I care for you and I want to see you / make sure you get home safely.” bond. The physical part is easy but the emotional bond is just as important.
Second example: Sending pictures and selfies (and nudes)
With A boyfriend - someone who has expressed his feelings for you, someone who has told you that they want to be exclusive with you, and someone who has done kind, sweet things for you exercising multiple love languages deserves this privilege. No one before this point should be rewarded with your selfies, picture messages, and especially nudes -if you’re into the whole sexting thing. You want your boyfriend to feel special and if you start to send pictures of yourself to him to soon you end up devaluing yourself. It’s like supply and demand. When there’s little supply you’re in high demand, but if there is a high supply people get bored and move on to the next. You are the commodity and selfies are your stock. If you’re giving away stock to every guy you see then you’re devaluing yourself and you’ll find yourself hanging out with the penny stocks. Elevate yourself to the tech start-up giants like apple and google by LIMITING the stock available to the market. In other words, choose wisely when you want to start sending guy pictures of yourself - of any kind. Now, Instagram is another beast if you’re posting selfies on there that’s fine because you are literally posting a public picture for ANYONE to see. Your man won’t feel like you did that for him because you didn’t, you did that for yourself. If you want to make him feel like you did it for him, send the picture to him privately so it’s something only he has. In today’s digital world it’s incredibly easy to see if this picture or video has been posted in other places and when it’s private, it’s all the more special. AND because you’ve kept your stock value high by staying in demand with little supply in the market, this action feels like a privilege or a reward. Wait, let me keep with this financial analogy going - this is your dividend. (you guys, my financial advisors would be so shook right now, jokes on them - I do get finance). Learning to look at your communication with someone as an investment of your time, money, and energy should help you find recognize your value. When you realize that you’ve given it all away for free, you’ll remember how painful that was and start raising the price. And like any good business owner, test out a couple of pricing models to see which fits for you, but unless you change the model you’re going to get the same results. Your communication with someone is a form of personal currency. Invest yours wisely and remember with everything in life, you get what you pay for. And this my friends, is how you date higher.
But when you’re Just Dating - this is where the fun begins. Ladies, boys will take you for everything you own and then still come back asking for one more thing. Your boyfriend will not. Boys will try to get away with giving the least amount of effort including saying whatever it takes to get what they want even if that means making a promise they know they won’t keep. Your boyfriend will not. Boys will invite you over to their place for “date night in” and then say it doesn’t bother them that you’re not hooking up when in reality you can read it all over his face “why did you come here if we’re not gonna fuck.” Your boyfriend will not. Sending selfies is the first step to establishing boundaries. And once you establish boundaries, ladies, you can then extend privileges to him rewarding him for actions and behaviors that you enjoy. But when you give these out to early, you lose all negotiation power. Every woman that is single has the same challenge, some guy wants more of you but your job is to keep yourself in demand. When you send a selfie or a video to him you are losing the upper hand in the relationship because you are inflating the supply in the market. Boys will ask for anything and everything - that’s half the reason we’re attracted to them, they’re bold, they don’t hold back, and they have no shame asking for what they want. When on the same team with them, they can make for great partners BUT, when this is directed at you, it takes some practice to enforce a high-value boundary and remain that top-shelf stock. But ladies, the fun lies in turning him down, watching him attempt as many strategies as you can to convince you out of your NO and into a YES. As your confidence grows with more practice you’ll begin to feel less and less bad about saying no and more and more empowered because of your new-found self-worth. THIS is attractive to guys. The girl he has to fight for is the girl he wants to keep. The girl who goes home with him that night is just the girl from that night. See the difference? There is SO MUCH POWER in rejection and learning how to playfully reject or pivot is how you will stay two steps ahead of him in your relationship as it progresses towards boyfriend and girlfriend status.
Dating Hotline Q 2: How do you define boundaries in a relationship
You guys come on, you know what I’m going to say here. You know I’m a FIRM believer in showing your partner the respect and having an honest conversation with them. Now you also know I’m going to tell you there are ways to have this conversation and that it’s best to use tact. First, any time an honest conversation is brought up it’s generally out of the blue. So when taking a sharp left in conversations, it’s best to use transitional sentences. ( Ladies listen up - this is literally how I handle EVERYTHING in my life. If I don’t agree with something I use these sentences to express my feelings. ) Here’s what you say “Hey, wait, can I talk to you about something real quick?” or “I gotta get this off my chest, can we talk?” or “Listen, I gotta be honest” (<-- that’s one of my go-tos...it says it all in as least amount of words as possible. My mother, the highest- value woman of them all once told me, when you are upset about something the best way to get someone’s attention is to use as least amount of words as possible AND if you have to do this second part - you MUST deliver the message in a soft tone, you cannot be emotionally charged. Guys this took me years to learn how to accomplish and it was only after many long, soap-box preaching lectures trying to express my point but in reality, all I did was just complain in circles without a presented resolution. Now I know the shortcut formula she was talking about. Remember our key is to be concise and effectively communicating our message in as the fewest amounts of words as possible. So when you need to speak up to enforce a boundary follow this 3 step formula
Transition sentence. 2. State your feelings and your opinion. 3. What you would like to see as the outcome. DO NOT make these run-on sentences. The shorter the better because there’s respect in this delivery. You are approaching your partner with an opportunity to discuss something instead of creating a confrontation forcing one person to defend themself.
So here’s what it would look like - Let’s say the issue is over a picture one of the guys you’re seeing asked for and he diminished your response when you said no. Think about handling it this way, when you see him in person say -
“Hey, I gotta be honest about something. Last week, when you asked me for a picture I told you that it was a boyfriend privilege and you responded, oh come on what’s the big deal - I’m not ok with that. In the future, I would appreciate if you would respect my wishes and instead of trying to negotiate down my boundaries, I’d like for you to try harder to earn those boyfriend privileges”
Boom! Just like that. You have set a new challenge for him and you have just maturely enforced your boundary and even more so - once you establish a boundary most people respect them. This will be a growth point for your relationship and ladies you’ll feel like a total boss for choosing to defend yourself and empower yourself in your relationship. No one respects a pushover and no one respects someone who is power-hungry. Approach this conversation the same way you would want someone to approach you - bring compassion, effective communication, and a problem-solved solution for the future so you two can agree on what to work towards avoid going forward.
Curves & Kisses
We are swerving around these curves and blowing kisses as we go…
Curve
Guys, STOP putting “great sex” in your dating profile. That is an obvious factor of a relationship and honestly, if you’re getting sex regularly it is great so that’s not a really a deal-breaker for your dating profile. Save that for the bedroom when you want to get freaky.
Having sex is a part of modern relationships. Don’t discuss it on your dating profile. No girl is going to say “oohh I’m swiping right because he said: “great sex is a non-negotiable” for him.” It doesn’t translate the way you think it does. Guys, you think you’re promoting something but it’s actually a major turn-off. It’s kinda like you’re planting the seed that there’s a chance it won’t be. Personally, I assume it will be until you give me reasons to question that. This comment, in your dating profile, absolutely is a reason for me to question your performance in the bedroom.
And better yet, Bro, what if you’re the one who’s not good at sex, ever wonder that? You wouldn’t know because we don’t tell the person that they were a bad lay - again for good reasons - but the next time you walk out thinking it was bad sex think about how you played a role in that too.
So stop talking about this in your dating profile. It’s a major turn off when you bring this up in the first 3 sentences you share with a stranger…..it feels so trashy. Cut it out and pick up the class. We have standards and they don’t change. You need to rise to the challenge and keep up.
But now that we’re all grounded I’ve been analyzing profiles on a whole new level. Here we go -
It’s like if you talk about sex in your dating profile that’s your way of telling the world you’re good at it, but really the ones who are good at it don’t need to brag….you don’t see me out here talking about what sex with me is like….because A] that’s a boyfriend privilege, B] I don’t need to talk about it, actions speak louder than words, and C] it generally has the opposite impact than you think it will. Think about it in terms of the concept - new money vs old money. New money likes to show off it’s newly acquired wealth, old money doesn’t need to show the world they have it because they have it. Making statements like “a sign of a great relationship is ‘ really, as ironic as it seems, a great sex life’ “ is just pathetic. Are you trying to say that your problem-solving solution is to bang it out?! Again, not for your dating profile. Save that for sexy talk with your girlfriend - or the girl you want to make your girlfriend.
Guys, just as women need to slowly reveal themself to you, you need to carefully warm up the sex conversation. Read the energy between you to, read her body language, read the interactions between you two. Is she flirting back? Is she interested in where this conversation is going? What’s her energy telling you? This is how you handle the “great sex is a sign of a good relationship” chat. You do not include it in a written prompt in your dating profile.
Kiss
And our kiss this week goes to the singles - like the actually single, single people - who are out there trying to figure out if their dating life even has a pulse in this quarantine. Unless you’ve quarantined with your partner, there’s a SIGNIFICANT portion of the country that is shacked up by themself and it’s already been weeks alone without IRL human interaction. And now that we are grounded till the end of April, what are we do to?
Well, I personally like and support the people who are trying to make conversations on the dating apps. Honestly, I’ve been matching with a handful of guys because everyone’s out there swiping now but not a lot of people are talking. ANDDD this is such an interesting little experiment. One of Dating Hotline’s listeners tagged us in an Instagram post that’s too good for us not to discuss. Our girl Genevieve @Genunely.social should also add meme curator to her list of social media services…
Okay so, I hope this translates well because RARELY have I seen a meme explained with the joke surviving…wish us luck. The tweet goes:
“ You know who’s really gonna suffer during this social distancing? Dudes on dating apps. Welcome back to the courtship, Brad. Welcome back to talking to a gal for WEEKS prior to meeting. We’re pen pals now, my dude. We bout to get Jane Austen up in here. Now write me a poem. “
Yes, guys, this is a time that will require A LOT more effort from some of you because this is a love language you are less fluent in, but look at this opportunity to expand your skills and maybe even connect with someone online. Idk I’m talking to a couple of guys right now but talking to them is better than not talking to someone. Maybe romance can blossom un these circumstances. Who’s to say vacation theory isn’t at play with some people right now…One guy just asked me what my biggest curiosity is right now, what do I want to expand into, and I was like ohhhkayyyy I could quarantine chat with you all day long….because in my mind, if you put in the effort now and find you have a connection with someone when you meet up IRL it will be like your own episode of Love is Blind. Hahahha ok, that one was not even planned it just happened on its own.
Guys, I know this is unchartered for everyone and even for me with giving you advice on what to do during this quarantine but I’ll tell you how I’m spending my time so that you can get an idea of another way to spend your time. I believe you have to expose yourself to many options to know what’s right for you. So during this Q - here’s what I’ve been up to. I’m texting with guys on dating apps - none have moved off the app yet, I haven’t done any zoom dates because frankly I’m not sure I’m even that interested in these guys yet and they haven’t suggested it yet either. I think we all kinda recognize that there is interest but the momentum is stalled because there’s no direction. So in the meantime, I’ve signed up for 2 more online courses because what the hell else am I going to talk about after this quarantine ends? At least I can prepare myself for a glow up on the back end of this….what does your Glow Up quarantine plan include?
Ok, that’s our show for this week - thank you for tuning in to Dating Hotline - presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - Chicago’s #1 full-service dating and dating & relationship consultancy. This is your host Chloé Miller. Thank you to our music transition composer Nikolas Thorpe over at Sound Lounge. If there's something you want to talk about in the future episodes, there's a link in the show notes where you can submit your stories. Otherwise, you guys, DM me your dating questions, email me your thoughts, and please, please, please tell all of your friends to listen. Don’t forget to leave us a review - we want 5 stars! Dating hotline releases new episodes every Wednesday at 11 am CENTRAL. Don’t forget to subscribe and leave us a review on Apple Podcast and follow us on Spotify.
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