Ep 17: Dating While in Quarantine - Part 3
Dating Hotline, a podcast presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT
Dating Hotline
Ep. 17
Dating While in Quarantine - Part 3
SHOW NOTES
- DATING HOTLINE -
Ep 17: Dating While in
Quarantine - Part 3
Host: Chloé Miller
Production: AND, SWIPE RIGHT INC.
Show Music: Andrew Langdon
Transition Music: Nikolas Thorpe
“ This quarantine is showing us that we value partnership significantly more than we ever thought and what did I learn from my break up, that compromising yourself for someone else to see your value NEVER WORKS! "
-Chloé Miller
Founder, & CEO of AND, SWIPE RIGHT
EPISODE DESCRIPTION
In the seventeenth episode of Dating Hotline presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - Chloé wraps up the 10 most frequently asked questions during this quarantine. Part three tackles how to handle emotional turmoil while already weighed down by the turmoil this crisis is creating: 1. How do I handle a break up in Quarantine? 2. What did you learn from a break up in Quarantine? 3. And What should I take from this?
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LINKS
- Jake Brusha - Director/Director of Photography -
FILM: When Time Stands Still
- Quarantined Together Group -
a virtual social hangout QT Group Sign Up Form
- Jeremy Zucker & Chelsea Cutler -
SONG: You Were Good To Me
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TRANSCRIPT
Dating Hotline
Ep 17:
Dating While In Quarantine - Part3
Hi, Dating Hotliners - We have made it to part 3 of our Dating While in Quarantine series and man, it feels like it’s been forever. So to wrap it up we’re focusing on how to handle emotional turmoil while already weighed down by the turmoil this crisis is creating. Ya ready? Let’s go.
Show Music
What’s up you guys? Welcome to the 17th episode of Dating Hotline, this is your host, Chloé Miller. Dating Hotline is presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - an online dating & relationship consultancy. Through services like Dating & Relationship Coaching, Image Consulting, Personal Styling, and creating engaging dating profiles AND SWIPE RIGHT is an online dating consultancy offering support throughout all stages of dating. AND, SWIPE RIGHT is setting a high-value standard in online dating by empowering single women and men with dating techniques.
Thank you for listening today and every week - Dating Hotline releases new episodes EVERY WEDNESDAY at 11 am Central Time. So if you hit that subscribe button on Apple Podcast or Follow on Spotify Dating Hotline you will automatically get our new episode every week. This way, you’ll never miss an episode or juicy story. And you guys leave us a review on Apple Podcasts. Your reviews help other people find Dating Hotline and then they listen to our show. We have a 5.0 rating and we are quite proud of it! After you’ve left your review - send me a screenshot. I want to make sure to thank you appropriately. We post all of this information on the AND, SWIPE RIGHT website - Our show notes host links to the business & products we feature and other gems like our newsletter - check it out andswiperight.com
OK it’s time to open up about some stuff. I keep asking you all to have honest conversations with your partner and it’s hypocritical for me to not be sharing more with you. Initially I wasn’t ready and also - like any relationship - you don’t share everything on the first couple dates. But since we’ve been together for almost 5 months now, it feels appropriate and the time has come to start talking about some more serious topics.
This is me telling you - it’s ok if you’re having a bad day. It’s ok if you struggle through this quarantine, please reach out if that's the case. I’m STILL offering free services through AND, SWIPE RIGHT until the end of the month. You still have 1 week to book my time for free. Also, sign up for Quarantined Together - we are hosting weekly events so please drop in one week if you’re feeling you need a little extra social connection.
Yesterday I really struggled. I woke up and I could barely get myself out of bed. I made breakfast and then got back in bed and spent the day lying there wanting to feel better and just realizing that emotionally, I couldn't. I was so exhausted, so spent, and so energetically drained that I just needed to take the day. Did I have the time/the day to take off - as a solo-entrepreneur NO. Because if I take the day off, it all just gets pushed to the next day. Right now, like so many other people - I don’t have a team of people to hand off my work to. I know we are all struggling through this and that’s why I’m sharing my struggle. It’s not all rainbows and butterflies in my world. I’m human too. I can only do so much, I make mistakes, I have prioritizing issues, I get off balance and sometimes life gets messy.
Yes we are all working from home right now but that’s not looking at the whole picture - we are working from home through a crisis. This is an extremely stressful time and the uncertainty of it all compounds the effects and it can and it did take me down yesterday. I’m behind on things and on paper I have no reason to be but if you look at the context - WORKING THROUGH A CRISIS - it’s all makes sense how now more than ever we need to prioritize ourself and physical and mental health to make sure we stay healthy. While some people don’t have a job right now and that stress keeps you up at night, overworking during this crisis has the same effect. It’s different sides of the same coin but let me tell you - both are dangerous. I know individuals who are working 15 hours days now because the rest of their company has been furloughed or let go. And I know people who are STILL waiting for their unemployment checks and are freaking out because May’s rent & utility bills are just around the corner. Support yourself during this time and don’t hesitate to reach out to me if you need extra help.
Dating Hotline Frequently asked question in Quarantine #1, 2 and 3 - How do I handle a break up in Quarantine? What did you learn from a break up in Quarantine? And What should I take from this?
Well you guys, it happened. I told you last week there would be breakups during this quarantine and I was right. I just didn’t realize I was talking about myself at the time. I had to have an honest conversation with this guy I was seeing but we didn’t even get that farther than hello. He told me he’d call me back and then never did….At the time, and ironic as it is, I was calling for the opposite reason. I was looking for emotional support from the same guy who wanted to sleep with me the week before but this week couldn’t be bothered to listen. I had an especially challenging day and I was looking to escape my day for 20 minutes by hearing about someone else’s life and just distract myself from reality. He picked up my call and then immediately asked if he could call me back….it’s now been 3 days and I never got that return call. I don’t feel like I normally need a lot of emotional support or even assistance from other people - I’m very independent and self-sufficient. But on this day, I did and I reached out to someone for their help and they couldn’t be bothered to return my call. So my week started off with a breakup and let me tell you, it was not fun.
This quarantine is showing us that we value partnership significantly more than we ever thought and what did I learn from my break up, that compromising yourself for someone else to see your value NEVER WORKS. Stop giving him a pass expecting him to change. If he doesn’t treat you right from the beginning he won’t treat you right later on. My break up was contactless and even a bit more painful because there was no closure. I just need to find my own closure and move forward without him. Will he call me again, maybe/maybe not but will I pick up, no.
Ladies I know I’m asking you to make tough decisions when I talk about being high-value. It’s a bit of a lonely path because not many people can rise to the challenge and know how to take care of a high value woman the way she should be. Some guys put in effort and say that’s good enough, but let me tell you, unless he sees all sides of you, all pieces of your heart, all parts of your soul he is diminishing you for his own personal satisfaction. Maybe he wants a strong woman but really his actions don’t mirror that and I’ve told you before, don’t believe the words believe his actions. This quarantine knocked me off my game because I was looking for companionship and partnership and because of that I was less interested in starting something new with someone new, I wanted to fix things with the person I chose before quarantine and recognizing that I lost myself in the process showed me that this relationship wasn’t my answer. It was hard walking away, unfollowing him on instagram, and even harder emotionally accepting it because that means my quarantined world just got a WHOLE lot smaller and it was small to begin with. The day after was the hardest, waking up and feeling alone, waking up and searching for external happiness to pick me up, waking up and yearning for a partner. But knowing that I chose myself over someone who wouldn’t return my call in a time when I needed them, when I needed the emotional support because real shit happened in my day, when I needed the escape of a phone call to someone who knows me and sees me was the painful reminder that I am my own partner. I have an obligation and a responsibility to choose what’s right for me and that doesn’t include him. It doesn’t matter if the 15year old me was living out a lifelong dream of what my life would look like dating this person, recognizing the exact moment I lost myself in the relationship provided clarity, but more so, allowed me to look back at the relationship and say, this is not who I am anymore. I’ve dated this before and it didn’t end well.
Sometimes we’re attracted to the wrong type of people and worse, we continue to put ourselves in harms way because of this conditioned attraction. It takes serious mental strength to reorient your brain out of wanting the bad boy and into finding the love that you deserve. Guys, I’m not perfect, I’ve made mistakes with my exes and I’ve made mistakes with the guys I don’t even consider exes because they don’t get that privilege of being acknowledged as someone special in my life. But the Universe provides you with different types of love to show you that that type of love exists. That type of cherishing, tender, soft, compassionate, honest, trusting, supportive, passion filled love is out there and we owe it to ourself to walk away from all of the disappointment and pain we feel with the wrong partner. We owe it to ourself to walk the path alone for a while as we show ourself the exact type of love we’re seeking from others to be able to recognize it when someone offers you that type of love.
I dated a man who I look back on now as one of my best relationships because he showed me a new definition of love. Up until that point, I thought I understood what love was, I thought love included sacrifices for the relationships and compromises for success in the future, I thought love meant that you had to diminish yourself to be in a relationship with someone because that was what I was exposed to, that’s the love I found, and that’s the love I was given. In other words, “You can only live inside this box in order for me to love you.” aka conditional love. This person changed all of that. This person saw me for who I was, he saw how dynamic I am, how much depth I have as an individual, he learned about my passions and supported me through them. He took the time to show tenderness and compassion in a time when I was still so guarded from previous relationship pain that I couldn’t even see that I was blocking out love for other and myself because I was so wrapped up in my own pain. But more so, he could see the fear in my eyes as he asked me, is your heart open to love?.
We all have trauma we are carrying and we all have very real fears in relationships, no one likes to be rejected and yet, I can tell you that if you’re listening to this podcast then you two have experienced pain and hurt and rejection. It’s exhausting and it’s emotionally draining. But I want you to take the time to examine what your definition of love is. This man changed my world and opened my eyes to a whole other side of love that I didn’t know existed because he was different from the men I dated in the past. He was so different that I self-sabotaged the relationship 3 different times. The first two would be reasons for anyone else in the world to have never given me a second chance. But he saw me, he saw my pain and he knew the fear in my eyes were from someone before who had taken my heart and destroyed it. He knew there were stories to share when the time was right, he was patient, kind, understanding, but mostly he was compassionate.
We are always so focused on how we look and present ourself, we don’t want to be exposed to emotional pain unless we have to but that vulnerability you prevent yourself from sharing only hurts you more. Because he asked me such vulnerable questions he watched my body language and he felt my energy change but more so, he followed his intuition when it told him that this girl is carrying a lot of pain and hurt with her. Be soft and kind, for she will open up like a flower and she will show you the world if you only give her the time she needs to heal in a safe, supported environment. He gave me that safe space to explore myself in a new relationship. He helped me heal my relationship wounds and I was able to open up, shed the sheets of ice around my heart and for once in my life, I was able to show myself love. The love I so desperately wanted from others I was now giving to myself. Because of this, I was able to give him 10x the amount of love I showed myself. But that moment never happened, circumstances took us apart and our relationship was short but is, to this day, my favorite. We had fun, we had a passionate filled short lived romance. He healed me, my soul, and my feminine spirit in ways I’ll never be able to express fully because in order to do so, I would have to tell him about my past and that time has come and gone. But I think about him all the time, I send him love regularly because I know the type of man he is. I know the kind soul he has, I know that he will make his future wife the happiest woman because I was the happiest with him because he helped me forgive myself. Love begins with ourself and if we don’t have love for ourself there’s no way we can share love with other people. I learned from him that the type of love I want is a love that will see me in every light, will see the good I’m trying to do, a love that will help me love myself deeper so that I can share that love x 10 with the world. Love can be painful and it can hurt, but it can also heal. I don’t know how that man slipped through the cracks of all my emotional walls. I don’t know how he made into my life when I pushed him away so many times. But I do know that he was a gift to me, and that I think about our time together regularly and I’m eternally grateful for his support during that period of my life.
This quarantine is making me want to call up my ex and say, you were good to me. I couldn’t have known how good we had it then but I see it now. Thank you for showing me the love I’ve always been seeking in my life, 30 years I’ve been looking for something that this man showed to me in the first moment of meeting him. He changed my life forever.
The past break up was nothing like this other relationship. This past break up was like all the relationships I’ve experienced before, the too cool for words so I’m just going to not call you back. Eventually you’ll get the hint. This past break up was one sided and after many games - which I saw from the beginning and all the red flags I wanted to ignore - still hurt me in a way I didn’t expect or anticipate could because I thought by being aware of these issues I could stay on top of it and manage the situation. But that’s not how relationships work. There’s no managing the other person like a boss and their employee. A relationship is a partnership and both individuals must be working together at all times from the same playbook otherwise the love will be lost. This past break up had no love in it, the relationship had no love and while I thought it was ok because it was so much of what I was familiar with in love, I wondered why my favorite ex’s memories keep running through my mind throughout the entire relationship. Not because I want to be with him. But rather that was my intuition telling me this relationship is nothing like the type of love we’ve found once before and have always wanted. In the kindest way possible I was being reminded that this wasn’t right for me. And while I refused to believe that for months, in the end it ended up being the case and the pain of knowing that you knew this would happen but decided against your better judgment cuts a bit deeper. When you betray yourself for loyalty to someone else, that silences your intuition, cages your soul, and hurts you in ways you can’t imagine because you can’t see the scars. They are spirit deep and every time you do this, you tell yourself that this is what you deserve. This is not what you deserve. You deserve a love like the one I had with my favorite ex. There is plenty of fake love out there, don’t settle for anything less than how you want to be loved. Write down your definition of love, use adjectives that accurately describe and detail what you want out of your relationships. Tell yourself that you will find this love as you read this out loud every day. Open your heart to love, tell yourself that you will find the partner of your dreams, that they are out there looking for you too. Remind yourself not to fall into traps from others who want to rewrite your definition of love. Remind yourself that you are a loving, kind, compassionate person who has so much love to share with someone else. Remind yourself that you can be this agent of change for your partner, like this man was for me. It only takes one person to change someone’s life in the way this man changed mine. He was not my soulmate, or my forever person, or even a long term relationship but he showed me that the love I wanted, no, the love I needed was out there and that I need to keep looking for that because anything less is settling. Not settling on a man, but rather settling with myself. You did not get to this point in your life to settle with anything. You’ve worked hard to get here, you’ve gone through challenges some people could not have ever experienced or persevered through, you are stronger than you think. Settling with yourself is giving up on everything, wasting all of your efforts, not allowing yourself the full potential of happiness and soulful joy. Don’t deprive yourself of the best gift in the world, a love that is your love. Love that can heal, love that can change your life, love that can show you how to love all pieces of yourself.
That relationship was my favorite, and I probably made the most mistakes throughout it because I was afraid of the pain I would feel by letting myself feel. I waited too long to open up, I was finally ready to open my heart to him the day before we ended things. The universe has different paths for us, but because he showed me love in a time when I didn’t and couldn’t love myself, I will forever have love for him. He is a really good man, he was so good it scared me.
But this guy who I just ended things with doesn’t even compare to the man who showed me his heart without any reservations, told me his secrets, shared his fears and his pains with me. We shared our souls and that openness brought immense intimacy and built a deep connection. That’s the love I’m looking for and that’s the love I won’t stop searching for, that’s the love that is my forever love.
Curves & Kisses
We are swerving around these curves and blowing kisses as we go…
Curves - The day after my breakup some dude took it upon himself to scold me on hinge so right now - I'm not on a hot streak. I hope you guys are having more luck than I am. I did, however, set the record straight for him. My advice for when you come into confrontation with some guy on a dating app, don’t hesitate to speak your truth. But use my 3 sentence strategy and call it a day. I then unmatched with him and deleted his number. I felt his negative energy through the phone and by deleting our conversation and unmatching with him, I felt significantly better. It was as if I washed him out of my world.
Honestly, you guys, I wish this episode had more upbeat information to share but I want to be truthful with you guys and sometimes life isn’t pretty and I’m definitely not perfect. I can’t pretend like this didn’t happen this week and because it did, you should know that painful moments happen to everyone in life - including me.
Kisses - Remember when I said I needed an escape from reality? One of my best friends - Jake Brusha - provided that for me with a film he DPed for an Illinois Tourism campaign. For those of you who don’t know film terminology - DP stands for Director of Photography which basically means he takes INCREDIBLE stills but with film, he’s the guy holding the camera choosing the angles & viewpoints. He sees life and beautifully presents a visual story from his camera.
His film - When Time Stands Still - is his version of the story he wanted to tell, otherwise known as a Director’s Cut. He shot this footage for a commercial but then went back and edited it into something completely new with his own voice over written by himself. This man is a true artist and you can hear it, see it, and feel it in his work. He is another person I love deeply because he exudes love in every way. Not all men are like the guy I just broke up with, there are very genuine good men out there and this film reminds us of how important it is to cherish those moments we share together with our partner.
Lisa, his AMAZING girlfriend, is equally impressive. Just before quarantine, she left America to go teach in Peru because her soul called her to spread her love and light with a community of children that need her. She followed her intuition and is living out her life’s purpose. It takes so much strength to move out of the country while still in a relationship. She is one of the strongest women I know. She followed her soul and her intuition and this will only make their relationship that much stronger. Many people might look at what they’re doing with confusion and not understand why she would move to Peru but I get it. It’s her Wild Woman that called her to her higher purpose. She’ll be back, and I don’t even know how it’ll be possible, but she’ll be an even better version and that growth individually will make their relationship even stronger. They are such special people. They really have a deep, soulful bond holding them together - distance means nothing.
These two incredible humans have been my biggest supporters through so many challenging moments. They are my best friends but more so - they showed me love when I wasn’t able to love myself. Now that I’m further along in my healing journey I’m able to see just how much of a blessing having these two beautiful souls in my life has been and thank you just doesn’t seem to appropriately acknowledge my appreciation. If you ever get the pleasure of meeting them, you will instantly fall in love with them like I did years and years ago.
I hope you go watch his film When Time Stands Still - I will post it on our show notes - or you could go directly to his website - jakebrusha.com J-A-K-E-B-R-U-S-H-A.com He and Lisa are such incredible people, I can only imagine where he got his inspiration from when writing that VoiceOver.
I needed this escape and Jake’s film brought me happiness. For the moment, I escaped quarantine reality and was swept away by the beauty and intimacy of this sweet story.
Ok, that’s our show for this week - thank you for tuning in to Dating Hotline - presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - Chicago’s #1 full-service dating and dating & relationship consultancy. This is your host Chloé Miller. Thank you to our show music composer Andrew Langdon and our transition composer Nikolas Thorpe. If there's something you want to talk about in the future episodes, there's a link in the show notes where you can submit your stories. Otherwise, you guys, DM me your dating questions, email me your thoughts, and please, please, please tell all of your friends to listen. Don’t forget to leave us a review - we want 5 stars! Dating hotline releases new episodes every Wednesday at 11 am CENTRAL. Don’t forget to subscribe and leave us a review on Apple Podcast and follow us on Spotify.
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