Ep 19: Exes & Old Flames

Dating Hotline, a podcast presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT

Dating Hotline

Ep. 19
Exes & Old Flames

SHOW NOTES

- DATING HOTLINE -
Ep 19: Exes & Old Flame

Host: Chloé Miller
Production: AND, SWIPE RIGHT INC.
Show Music: Andrew Langdon
Transition Music: Nikolas Thorpe

“ Men - be intentional before you just shoot out that text. Think before sending. Know what you want out of this - because if you’re going to spark an old flame, there will be feelings involved and if you’re sending the “u up” text only to hook up then you better send that to another biddies so that you don’t get caught in a mess."

-Chloé Miller
Founder, & CEO of AND, SWIPE RIGHT

EPISODE DESCRIPTION

In the nineteenth episode of Dating Hotline presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - Chloé talks about old flames resurfacing. When someone from your past tries to slip back into your life again. Do you say yes or do you say no? Plus, she answers two popular dating questions:  

1. What’s your opinion of an old flame resurfacing?

2: IS an ex-boyfriend an ex-flame? Should I get back together to them?

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TRANSCRIPT

Dating Hotline

Ep 19:
Exes & Old Flames

Hi, Dating Hotliners - Let’s talk about old flames resurfacing. This quarantine has brought in worse than what the cat drags in. Let me tell you, I thought I’ve seen a lot of things in dating - the good, the bad, the yikes, and the ugly (believe me, I have stories that will leave you shook, but we’ll get to those in future episodes) but man just when you think you’ve seen it a good portion of it - life comes in hot with a surprise. Today we’re going to talk about when someone from your past tries to slip back into your life again. Do you say yes or do you say no? Ya ready? Let’s go.

Show Music

Hello hello, what’s going on you guys? Welcome to the 19th episode of Dating Hotline, this is your host, Chloé Miller.  Dating Hotline is presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - an online dating & relationship consultancy. Through services like Dating & Relationship Coaching, Personal Styling, creating engaging dating profiles, and their newest service a monthly texting membership AND SWIPE RIGHT provides support throughout all stages of dating. AND, SWIPE RIGHT is setting a high-value standard in online dating by empowering single women and men with dating techniques.

Thank you for listening today and every week - Dating Hotline releases new episodes EVERY WEDNESDAY at 11 am Central Time. So if you hit that subscribe button on Apple Podcast or Follow on Spotify you will automatically get our new episode every week. This way, you’ll never miss an episode or juicy story. And you guys leave us a review on Apple Podcasts. Your reviews help other people find Dating Hotline and then they listen to our show. I found some new reviews last week and it made me the happiest, thank you thank you. I’m happy to create more episodes for you guys but I’m happier to know that this is hitting home with you. Otherwise, I’m just out here talking to myself - which honestly I do anyways but this way we can all benefit. Thank you for the 5-star rating! After you’ve left your review - send me a screenshot. I want to make sure to thank you appropriately. We post all of this information on the AND, SWIPE RIGHT website - Our show notes host links to the business & products we feature and other gems like our newsletter - check it out andswiperight.com

Tomorrow is our 4th QT event and this week’s theme is TikTok. I’ve already told you guys how much I love this app and now tomorrow’s QT hangout is a roundup of the best TikTok videos you can find - bring your 10 favorite TikToks and a cocktail and jump on our Zoom hangout. Sign up on the AND, SWIPE RIGHT website under the Quarantined Together tab and I’ll shoot over the email with the invite. I’m so excited about this because I’ve been scrolling through TikTok a lot more since quarantine started and honestly, thank God for the internet. There are so many gems - check out our show notes for some TikTok inspo and taste test what tomorrow's QT event will be like. I’m telling you, it will be fun! QT x AND, SWIPE RIGHT happens every week, I host these events every Thursday at 8 pm and each week has a new theme. Come hang out with us! When you sign up I’ll add your email to our invite list.

Last week our KISS went out to AND, SWIPE RIGHT’s 4-week coaching program - The High-Value Package. And I’m happy to tell you guys that it’s open for sign up. There’s a Coaching tab on our website under Our Services with more information on The High-Value Package. This package includes weekly zoom calls, unlimited texting support, a mindful dating strategy sessions where we get clear on your definition of love and what you’re looking for in your partnership, my personal favorite meditations to open your heart to love, self-love healing meditations, and even my favorite pranic healing meditations that I talked about in our Energy & Dating episode that is PERFECT to do right before a date. I’m also including some bonus goodies for your dating life Post Quarantine. This coaching package is my gift to you because instead of one-off sessions where we work reactively discussing what’s happening in your world, this High-Value Package is a proactive approach to your dating life focusing on building up your self-love so you know exactly what that type of love feels like. We’ll clear out old dating patterns, reprogram new dating strategies, really hone in on your ideal partner and set you up with tools to succeed online ( aka zoom dates ) and then I’ll leave you with some gifts for IRL dating because we will be just wrapping up at the time this Quarantine should be lifted! 

This is the biggest gift you could offer yourself - the key to successful dating is learning how you want to be loved. Without knowing what you want and need emotionally you will accept whatever your partner will give you and that is, in essence, boundaryless dating. This is how people walk into unhealthy relationships, unrequited love relationships, and worse, abusive relationships. There was a time in my life when I didn’t know this key detail and I was accepting what people were giving me, but worse, I was desperately seeking approval and acceptance from others so I would do things and say things that I didn’t agree with, I was easily influenced and this makes you vulnerable to predatory behavior. I allowed someone else to dictate how I was loved because that’s what they wanted. Ultimately this turned into a toxic relationship and because I didn’t know better, I stayed because I was giving him love and I thought what he was giving me was love. I couldn’t have been more wrong about the situation. After years of therapy and thousands and thousands of dollars out of pocket, I realized that I needed to learn to love and accept myself. I forgave myself for staying in a relationship that almost killed me, and started my self-love healing journey. I don’t want you to go through what I went through, I don’t want you to pay thousands and thousands of dollars to dig yourself out of the destructive hole, or should I say grave, that my ex dug for me. Protect yourself by learning about what you want so that you can recognize immediately when someone is trying to negatively influence you. This will make it easier to walk away from the partners who are not right for you.

Self-love is not just for women, it’s for men too. Self-love is accepting all parts of yourself and forgiving yourself for our past decisions because it was the best you could do at that time. Bringing this type of compassion into your life and your world will deepen the love you have to share with someone but it will also make you a lot more selective about who you privilege with your love. Kindness and compassion should be shared with all but your love is a gift, treat it as so and your world will change for the better. That’s what I’m teaching in this 4-week High-Value Package. We will focus on healing your previous relationship baggage and at this time we will show you just how much value you have so that you can embody these high-value dating strategies. It’s one thing to know it but it’s another thing to live them every day. 

One day I’ll tell you my story about my ex that was so destructive I had to work with multiple therapists to come back from the shell he turned me into, one day I’ll share with you how not knowing who you are sets you up for predatorial love, one day I’ll tell you about some of my darkest days that included multiple trips to the hospital but yet no one, not the hospital staff or even myself, saw this as a red flag. If you sign up for my coaching program, that day will come during our sessions. For everyone else, you will have to wait.

Sign up for AND, SWIPE RIGHT’s  4-week High-Value Package on the AND, SWIPE RIGHT website - andswiperight.com I’m working with men and women who are looking to reimagine their dating life and ready to make the 1% change necessary for a whole new dating trajectory.

Dating Hotline Q 1: What’s your opinion of an old flame resurfacing?

I’m all for it. But let me tell you, these are the rules you want to play with - 

  1. Ladies, you call the shots this time. You saw how things went last time, and last time you were not listening to this podcast. It’s time to implement all of this advice into your dating life with someone who’s moves you already know about. You know this person - either casually or intimately - but you know them. You know the decisions you made last time that left you feeling disappointed and for whatever reason, the relationship never came to fruition. Those details are less important right now, we’ll cover them later, but what is important is that you show up differently this time. 

You are now empowered with high-value dating techniques and it’s time to start practicing. The good part of an old flame coming back into your life is the opportunity to show how much you’ve changed. This can be exciting and fun to show your growth. But heads up, don’t expect him to notice. Not every guy comes into your life to value you, some guys are looking to just hook up and since you have already, it’s an easier hook up than starting fresh with someone new. It’s ok if you this guy re-spark things, but what’s not ok is if you allow yourself to be treated the same way. So remember, you are empowered with high-value dating techniques. He will notice that something is different but remember you’re not seeking his approval anymore because you set your worth you don’t need external validation for that. On the other hand, there are some guys that will notice this shift in how you show up and he will like it. As I’ve said before, guys like challenges, if you set him up with challenges that you didn’t the first go-round, that could really spice things up for you two and the second time around, things could be different. 

  1. Men - be intentional before you just shoot out that text. Think before sending it. Know what you want out of this - because if you’re going to spark an old flame, there will be feelings involved and if you’re sending the “u up” text only to hook up then you better send that to other biddies so that you don’t get caught in a mess. I promise you, depending on who you’re talking to it may or may not take some work for the both of you to agree and say yes again, but more importantly, it’s going to be a lot harder for you two to get back together (in any capacity) without feelings creeping A LOT faster. There are multiple reasons for this - 

    1. You two tried this already but it didn’t work out the first time around, and so the second time around she will be expecting a different outcome. This is why you can’t send her that u up text unless you’re looking to actually follow through with something more than just hooking up tonight. Because the media has conditioned women into thinking men leave you and then they come back as a changed man, she will be expecting this from you and when you disappoint her for a second time, you will see her wrath like you’ve never seen before. Don’t play her two times and think you going to get away with it. Some women want to be the person that “changed him” and we all know change comes from within not someone telling us to change. So when you come back around a second time as if you’re this new 2.0 version, do not mislead her. You’re walking into a fire pit if you do

    2. Because of your history, you two need to be extremely explicit with what the intentions are on both sides. This honest conversation while I’m always supporting truth and honesty and especially an open dialog between you and your partner, in this instance, will kill the mood quickly. It’s like asking someone on date one - are you going to be my boyfriend/girlfriend? It’s startling but more so a total formality that needs to happen with a rekindled flame BEFORE anything happens between you two. If you leave gray area in this relationship Take 2 then you both are welcoming unnecessary drama into your lives. Feelings will get hurt and tears will be shed. Save yourself and your time - just be honest upfront. Are you looking to get back together or are you just trying to hook up. Either are fine but be honest about it. Let’s be real, hookup culture is a part of modern dating and if that’s your game plan, that’s fine - JUST COMMUNICATE that, that’s all I’m asking because then both of you know what to expect out of this rekindled romance. 

Dating Hotline Q 2: Is an ex-boyfriend an ex-flame? Should I get back together to them?

Ha, this is an easy NO. Ex-boyfriends and Ex-girlfriends are exes for a reason - don’t go back to them. It didn’t work out the first time so why subject yourself to the emotional pain all over again a second time. Ex BF & GF are NOT the same as an old hinge match or even a flame which by this definition is someone you were casually dating. An ex-flame is someone you casually dated while you were still dating other people, you never stopped dating others for this person you were still technically single and playing the field. The is important to note because there are many guys I’ve to consider flames that if they were to text me, I would respond. But if my ex-boyfriends were to text me, I would leave them on read. Once I’ve broken up with you it’s over, there’s no getting back together and furthermore there’s no reason to keep in touch. I committed to something with you and we were building something together. For whatever reason, the relationship ended and that’s enough for me to say never again with you. More so, I’ve never threatened my boyfriends with a breakup because I don’t believe in empty threats. Meaning, if I’m breaking up with you - then this is over. My mind is already made up. If you have a yoyo relationship that breaks up and gets back together - we all know these relationships - it just means that eventually one of the breakups will be the last. Save yourself the heartache and work through the challenges or just call it quits. If you’re trapped in one of these cycles, recognize that it’s not healthy and that you are subconsciously seeking more happiness and love than what this relationship is providing for you. When couples are “on a break” your relationship moves into the gray area - and most people don’t want to clarify this gray area - are you allowed to see other people? Are you still technically together? This always brings me back to the classic line from Friends when Rachel reminds Ross of the woman he slept with and he shouts back “WE WERE ON A BREAK”. This is a common quote throughout the show as it clearly articulates that one person will get hurt more than the other in these “we’re taking a break” relationships and when that happens that person will never get over it. 

My advice: finish your relationship with your partner before you break up. Don’t go “on a break” but rather put in every last piece of effort you have into the relationship before you call it quits so that you know deep in your heart, you did everything you could for that relationship and that it still wasn’t enough. This way you won't have regrets and if they do come crawling back you can easily know that you’re not interested in the type of partnership they have to offer. Exes are not old flames. Old flames are partners who you never fully committed to trying to build something with, but they are people whose company you enjoyed. Exes are partners who are a part of your past, but the door is still open for old flames. 

Curves & Kisses 

We are swerving around these curves and blowing kisses as we go

Curves - Our curve this week goes out to people who drop you into a conversation without context. One of my female clients who signed up for AND, SWIPE RIGHT’s monthly Texting membership texted me asking what she should do with this text from an old flame. They hadn’t talked in a couple of months but he just texted her and better yet, he sent her a screenshot of someone’s Venmo activity without context. She asked me a couple of things - 1. What is this? 2. What does this mean? As in, what is he trying to say with this? And 3. Should I even respond? All are good questions because I don’t know what he was thinking when he sent that or why he sent that but this is why it’s so important to provide context when you’re communicating through text. In a phone conversation this would have gone differently but in a text without any additional information, who knows what his intentions were when he sent that.  I advised her to first ask herself if she wants to re-engage with him because he’s testing to see if the door is open. She said yes, so then I said let’s craft a response that says something along the lines of “well hello, how are you, I’m doing well thank you. What is this little gem you’ve dropped in my lap, You’re going to send me this screenshot without any context, I need more sir….” this way you are acknowledging the silence and time in between the last time you two talked and more so, you’re clearly telling him that you have no idea why he sent that to you but your delivery is playful. She could have easily said something like “what is this? Why did you send it?” but doesn’t that already sound so icy and honestly I’d feel insecure getting that as a response. The point here is not to correct him but rather ask for more information around why he sent it. The message we crafted shows the door is open and the conversation is still friendly. They ultimately ended up chatting for a couple of days and after hearing from her days later, she said she was happy with the way she handled that because she did miss having him in her life even if their relationship is just on a texting level now. It’s as if they are just friends and she’s happy with that. She said she wouldn't have been able to navigate that without my assistance finessing the reply.

Kisses - Guys, I’ve started a YouTube channel? Why, because I just can’t help myself from starting new projects. You’ll see it’s linked on the AND, SWIPE RIGHT website or you could search for our channel on youtube. But this also means that I’ve started filming my podcast recordings so you guys actually get a glimpse into my recording process. Yes, I’m pulling the curtain and showing you guys just what it looks like when I sit down to record these episodes for you. Plus, I’m working on some interviews to share with you guys - I talk about my relationships all the time but I know there's a lot you can learn from hearing from other people’s relationships. I debated putting it in my podcast but I think seeing these individuals as they talk about their experiences would be more beneficial for you. I may change my mind on this going forward so we’ll see. I’m always thinking about what’s best for you guys and that’s what led me to this YouTube channel. I have a handful of people lined up to interview and I hope you guys will subscribe to AND, SWIPE RIGHT YouTube channel as well. Just like Dating Hotline this YouTube channel will be releasing new videos regularly that are informative and entertaining. Don’t worry, I did improv - if I don’t find it funny and valuable I won't post them. 

I have someone who was running from a gangbanger ex-bf of the girl he’s currently dating, another person who was catfished into a date with a transgender person, someone with a very relatable breakup story, someone who’s experienced with sexual trauma drove them into creating a documentary film sharing her 6-month journey with her own therapy sessions….so yeah there’s some real topics we’ll cover over on YouTube. Subscribe and meet these people - we are all having a human experience in this lifetime, but not everyone has the same dating experiences. We can learn from each other's stories. If you want to contribute to elevating the online dating experience through sharing your story please get in touch. It’s cathartic, and when people come up to you and say “ i heard your episode and it helped me face my own fears….” it resonates so deep, you know you have positively impacted another person on this planet just by sharing your story, it’s the biggest healing step you could offer yourself. We all have dating stories but we’re bound to repeat them if we don’t educate ourself on what they are. As I’ve said before there were many mistakes I’ve made in my own dating life because I didn’t know they were wrong. And I say that as the perpetrator and the victim in the situation, I’ve been on both sides of the coin and until someone tells you “ yeah no that’s not right” you don’t realize that your perspective is skewed. 

Let’s set the record straight and help each other succeed by just talking about what’s happened in the past. 

Ok, that’s our show for this week - thank you for tuning in to Dating Hotline - presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - Chicago’s #1 full-service dating and dating & relationship consultancy. This is your host Chloé Miller. Thank you to our show music composer Andrew Langdon and our transition composer Nikolas Thorpe. If there's something you want to talk about in the future episodes, there's a link in the show notes where you can submit your stories. Otherwise, you guys, DM me your dating questions, email me your thoughts, and please, please, please tell all of your friends to listen. Don’t forget to leave us a review - we want 5 stars! Dating hotline releases new episodes every Wednesday at 11 am CENTRAL. Please subscribe and leave us a review on Apple Podcast and follow us on Spotify.

OUTRO

 
Chloé Miller, MA, LPC, MFTCComment