Ep 20: Dating During COVID Ground Rules

Dating Hotline, a podcast presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT

Dating Hotline

Ep. 20
Dating During COVID Ground Rules

SHOW NOTES

- DATING HOTLINE -
Ep 20: Dating During COVID Ground Rules

Host: Chloé Miller
Production: AND, SWIPE RIGHT INC.
Show Music: Andrew Langdon
Transition Music: Nikolas Thorpe

“ …He failed this one as well and when it all comes down to it - dating during COVID has taught ALL of us that the only thing that will save relationships during this pandemic is effort. Thinking about how you can make the other person happy from a NON-PHYSICAL perspective is really what has come to the forefront of relationships right now. Thoughtfulness, consideration, and kindness. Those are all hugely important right now and there are many different ways to show interest but this guy didn’t on any level so why would I actually think he’s interested in me? Because guys, he’s not, he was just quarantine bored like I was… "

-Chloé Miller
Founder, & CEO of AND, SWIPE RIGHT

EPISODE DESCRIPTION

In the twentieth episode of Dating Hotline presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - Chloé examines a specific dating situation and she shares her advice on how to handle this situation if you ever find yourself here - The Situation - I went over to my girlfriend's house and then jumped on a zoom call with my friends. It was running long, like 2 and a half hours long, so I invited her to jump on the call with us but she turned me down. Then later in the evening, she storms out of the apartment upset.

1. What did I do wrong? And what do I do now?

2. What should I do if my girl leaves upset? And what’s my best plan to salvage the night?

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TRANSCRIPT

Dating Hotline

Ep 20: Dating During COVID Ground Rules

Hi Dating Hotliners - Can we all agree COVID has created life-altering changes that will prevent us from going back to the life we knew before COVID. Yes, ok good, glad we got that out of the way. Today’s episode is going to focus on how we are navigating these permanent changes and what that means for dating. Ya ready? Let’s go 

Show Music

Hello hello, what’s going on you guys? Welcome to the 20th episode of Dating Hotline, this is your host, Chloé Miller.  Dating Hotline is presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - an online dating & relationship consultancy. Through services like Dating & Relationship Coaching, Personal Styling, creating engaging dating profiles, and their newest service, a monthly texting membership AND SWIPE RIGHT provides support throughout all stages of dating. AND, SWIPE RIGHT is setting a high-value standard in online dating by empowering single women and men with dating techniques.

Thank you for listening today and every week - Dating Hotline releases new episodes EVERY WEDNESDAY at 11 am Central Time. So go ahead and hit that subscribe button on Apple Podcast or Follow on Spotify that way you’ll automatically get our new episode every week. And you guys please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts. Your reviews help other people find Dating Hotline and then they listen to our show. Thank you for the 5-star rating! After you’ve left your review - send me a screenshot. I want to make sure to thank you appropriately. We post all of this information on the AND, SWIPE RIGHT website - Our show notes host links to the business & products we feature and other gems like our newsletter - check it out andswiperight.com

Tomorrow - I am hosting our 5th QUARANTINED TOGETHER event and this week’s theme is Would You Rather. Grab a cocktail or a bottle of sparkling water and drop into this week’s QT event as we start to learn a little bit more about each other. No no no, I’m not asking for private secrets from your college days, I’m prefacing a question and asking you given the situation which would you rather - option A or option B. Sign up on the AND, SWIPE RIGHT website under the Quarantined Together tab and I’ll shoot over the email with the Zoom invite. QT x AND, SWIPE RIGHT happens every week, I host these free virtual events every Thursday at 8 pm and each week has a new theme. Come hang out with us! When you sign up I’ll add your email to our invite list.

Also, you guys, I only have one spot left for my 4-week High-Value Coaching program. I’ve had so many people reach out with interest and the special souls that I’m already working with are highly motivated to implement these changes but more so they are quickly learning the difference between their old dating habits and recognizing in the moment that they are able to make higher-value decisions because of the work we’ve done together. Learning a new dating strategy and finding a higher sense of self-worth comes from a 1% change in perspective. It’s really my secret in life, anything larger becomes overwhelming and the lifestyle modification brings on guilt when you fall off or make a mistake. This 1% that I’m talking about is basically that internal conversation when you say, “ok what would I normally do in this situation, and then what would Chloé advise me to do right now…” and voila you have just coached yourself into making better dating decisions. My goal is to empower you so my grasshoppers can become sensais. I’m not trying to create a codependency on my assistance for your dating life, once you learn the basic fundamental ground rules - you can tweak them to your personal life and watch yourself succeed. I’m here for those one-off questions - that's why I offer individualized private consulting but my coaching program is specifically designed to empower you with resources to succeed. You are a smart, educated individual, and I know that and you know that with a little bit of advice and encouragement you will succeed!

Plus, I’ve been perfecting this intimacy trick with the past couple guys I’ve dated and I’m now including it in my Coaching package. Intimacy with COVID is a challenge, I have a client in New York City who is going out on dates but she said it’s weird to not kiss at the end but like hello it’s NYC the epicenter of COVID so no that’s not going to happen. So I gave her my intimacy trick and she is going to wrap these men around her finger. 

But if you’re interested in learning this High-Value intimacy trick to wrap him/her around your finger without talking or touching each other and you’re not a part of my coaching program, I still gotchu. Don’t worry you guys, I won't leave you hanging like that. 

I’m adding this to my website as a digital download because this is something that you will want to do with your soon-to-be girlfriend/boyfriend because it's SO simple and it builds such a deep connection. Your intimacy and trust will skyrocket after this and the best part is it’s so completely non-sexual. I mean sure you could make it sexual but my trick is not adding that part because the focus remains on the actual activity rather than on exploring each other’s body. This trust and intimacy activity allows your soul to imprint on the other person’s soul. This is something that takes no more than 2 minutes of focused effort on each other but it’s extremely powerful. Afterwards, you both will feel seen, acknowledged, and as if you’re just uncovered a deeper layer of the person that you might not have ever gotten to with conversation. Sex is great for building an intimate physical connection but if you really want a long-lasting relationship with someone, use this trick. As an adult, we’ve all experienced painful moments that make trusting a stranger difficult, this intimacy trick can quick;y build that trust between you two without emotionally exposing you in a vulnerable way. It’s wild and it works like a charm. 

Ok, so we already agreed today’s world of quarantine will not be the same as the world pre-corona but we’ve now been living under quarantine for almost 2 months. Just long enough to lose our routines and create new ones. But before we get too settled into this new routine, let’s establish some ground rules for dating so we can date during COVID successfully. We’re going to explore client questions & experiences that have popped up as we’ve officially moved into “Dating During COVID”.

Dating Hotline Question #1 - I went over to my girlfriend's house and then jumped on a zoom call with my friends. It was running long, like 2 and a half hours long, so I invited her to jump on the call with us but she turned me down. Then later in the evening, she storms out of the apartment upset. What did I do wrong? What do I do now?

Guys - I want you to hang up your zoom call and go after her. This actually happened while I was on a Zoom call with a bunch of people and I immediately chimed in and said you better hang up with us and go after her. The longer you wait the more frustrated she will be. You are adding fuel to the fire if you stay on this call and she is only getting more frustrated. We’ll be here for you when you two are back in a good place but go after your girl. DO NOT let her leave her own apartment upset, that’s just digging a deeper hole for you when you two do chat and try to mend things. 

She allowed you the time to jump on a zoom call with your friends but I can guarantee she did not anticipate that your zoom call would last 2 and a half hours. Like that’s insane but honestly, some friends can zoom for hours and hours and not realize how much time has passed. Those are good friends, but if that’s the case then don’t double book yourself. If you make plans with your girl then be 100% present with her, don’t make her share your attention with you and your friends. She invited you over because she wants to spend time with you, she conceded and allowed you to jump on a zoom call with your friends so she’s already losing (in her mind) 1 hour of your time together but she’s not going to say no to you and your friends hanging out and catching up, so she will say ok that’s fine. But where did the train go off the tracks here? When his call went too long in her mind. Like I said, she was probably under the impression the zoom call would last an hour because most of them do, so she was ok with that, but when she saw it hit the two-hour mark, her frustration was building. When it got to 2.5 she had hit a breaking point as she realized she just lost 2.5 hours of her evening doing something with you but instead you came over to take a zoom call from her apartment leaving her to do her own thing while you were on your call. 

To be clear, taking the zoom call is not the issue, not establishing the boundaries for the zoom call is. Ladies and gentlemen, if you are ever in this situation with yourself, make sure you establish how long you will be on this zoom call before you jump on. Giving that timeline heads up is courteous and furthermore it allows the other person to then plan out ok you need 2 hours with this zoom call, then I know how to plan my time appropriately and I’ll see you back in the living room at 10p. But leaving it open-ended with “hey I’m jumping on a zoom call at 8p, I’ll talk to you afterward” is disregarding your partner’s time and it sounds trivial but I promise you it’s not. There are some task people will put off because they think they only have an hour to do this but ultimately if they knew it was going to be longer like 2 or 2.5 hours they could have accomplished the task they put off and both of you could reconvene in a happier emotional state than feeling like you are not a priority in his life. 

So the point here is - if you’re going to take a zoom call at your partner’s house, you will want to establish an estimated time frame of how long you think this zoom call catch up with your friends will last. This consideration allows you both to take care of your activities and then come back to each other in a happier place. Going back to the example, I’m sure the girl in this situation didn’t expect to be waiting that long for him to jump off his zoom call and so she was just distracting herself with activities instead of finding productive ways she could have spent her time, so on top of it - she probably feels like she wasted those 2.5 hours because she was waiting for him to get off the phone instead of having a loose timeframe for how long he’ll be distracted and busy allowing her to do her thing. This is all about consideration for the other person. As we get older and spend more time alone it’s easy to cohabitate with someone but these considerate actions are what makes cohabitating successful. Being conscientious of the other person’s time shows them that they are your priority and that you respect them. This effort goes a long way. 

Dating Hotline Question #2 - What should I do if my girl leaves upset. Going back to the earlier example - she stormed out of her own apartment...what’s my best plan to salvage the night?

Guys, if there’s a disagreement between you two and she leaves upset, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE CHASE YOUR GIRL! Repeat after me, if she leaves upset I will chase after her, if she leaves upset, I will chase after her. If she leaves upset I will chase after her. Why do I want to drill this into your head? Because every woman wants to know that her man will come chasing after her because the guy who chases after you is the guy who is showing you how important you are to him. Don’t let her sit with her emotions and worse, if she leaves and goes over to a friend’s house before you get to her, you are absolutely digging that hole deeper for yourself. 

If you have the opportunity to catch her before she gets to a friend’s house you will be saving everything. If you choose to ignore her actions - like storming out of the apartment, then you are showing her that she’s not important and that you don’t care that her feelings are hurt by something that you did. NOT the message you want to send because guys, let me tell you, you could string together any collection of words you want but it won’t matter, all she’ll remember is that you didn’t chase her and your actions will speak louder than your words. Do yourself a favor and definitely stop what you're doing and go after her to show her how important she is and that she is your number one priority. She understands that you have a life - that’s why she allowed the zoom call in the first place and she has a life too but when you’re together she wants you two to be together, prioritize her and focus your attention on her. Don’t make her split your shared time with something else, make her feel like the queen you think she is, and that will only come back to you in rewarding ways as well.  Your girl is going to want your full attention when you’re with her, don't make her split your time with people you could be talking to on nights when you’re not together. 

Guys, I know you like the crazy, the cool girl is fun to hang out with but the crazy is spicy and exciting. This is how you work with the crazy in a healthy way. Girls, I’m not encouraging you to be crazy but sometimes you need to pop off to get his attention. No one likes a nice girl and the cool girl gets boring. Have boundaries and when they are crossed, speak up. This woman did and looked at how beneficial that turned out for her. 

Guys, If you had the opportunity to catch her on her way out but you missed it, don’t let things get worse by not showing her how important she is to you by IGNORING her dramatic act of storming off. Guys, I know you love the crazy but this is how you work with the crazy. 

She’s going to want your full attention when you’re with her, ddo’t make her split your time with people you could be talking to on nights when you’re not together. Secondly, 

What’s the takeaway?

-if you’re dating and you still live separately, save your zoom calls with your friends - especially the ones you know go long - for when you’re home alone not hanging out with her. 

-if you live together and these zoom calls are going long, make sure you give yourself a time limit so that you don’t lose your evening with your friends and disregard your girlfriend/boyfriend along the way. No one's saying you can’t have friends and you can’t catch up with them but I’m asking you to be courteous to your partner. BEFORE you jump on the call, set a time limit for how long this call will last so that your partner knows when to expect you to get off so you two can go back to hanging out together. And lastly, if you are on a zoom call that runs long….here’s what you do: -invite your partner to jump on the call with you

-or say, “ok guys, I’ve been on this for 2 hours I can’t stick around any longer, we were supposed to do something together tonight and I can’t bail on her…” the point here is to PRIORITIZE her when you’re with her and save the friend zooms when you're at your place or nights when your home alone or when she’s busy with other things. You are in control of your calendar, make it work for both of you. 

Curves & Kisses 

We are swerving around these curves and blowing kisses as we go 

Our Curve this week goes to - If you’re talking with someone and then you decide to go quarantine in another state, tell her when you expect to come back or consider it a breakup. Pretending like you two are going to be pen pals through this quarantine is a joke. If they are not quarantined with you then call a spade a spade and break up. 

The other week I had a guy reach out to me from 2019...yes summer of 2019 and this bro thought it was time to rekindle that almost flame in 2020. Well out of sheer quarantine boredom I responded and we started casually chatting. We never met up in 2019, we texted back and forth maybe twice and then it just fizzled. So I thought hey, what the heck. I’m bored in quarantine, let's see where this goes. That was mistake #1. But I did it anyway. We texted a couple of times back and forth and eventually set up a quarantined date. Fast forward to the day before, he texted me asking if we could do something that night instead of the following evening because he was busy with a haircut….yeah, a haircut....in quarantine. I said I couldn’t, I was busy so we pushed to Friday. He agrees. The next day (the original day of what was supposed to be our first date) he texts me again, “So I might be out of town I’m planning on quarantining in Florida... just giving you the heads up” WTF is that? You’re externally processing your quarantine plans and better yet, letting me know instead of saying “hey so can I swing by your place with a coffee during the day? I’m quarantining in Florida but I want to meet you before I leave.” No instead he just pushes me off and clearly shows me that he’s not all that interested in this first date either. There was no effort, its’ quarantine, we are all working from home - you mean to tell me that I’m so far down on your list of priorities that you can’t find 30 minutes in your day to deliver a to-go coffee just so that we could have some version of a first date? Instead, you’d rather push me off for an extended open-ended vacation that you never told me when you’re expecting to come back to Chicago so we could have that first date? Do you think I'm going to just sit around and wait for you? No boy, you’ve got the wrong girl. You guys it gets better. This guy actually thought that since he canceled the date we were still chill and tried sending me pictures and text messages saying “it’s so beautiful down here, I wish you were with me….” haha no. I’m not interested in being your pen pal and especially now that you’ve created this long-distance relationship. Meet someone in Florida and date her. This failed attempt at sparking an old flame wasn’t worth my time and you clearly showed me from a lack of effort that it’s not worth yours either. Was he quarantined bored too? Probably. Did he have intentions of meeting up with me? Probably. Did it all fizzle out before we ever met up….YEP. Just like it did back in 2019. Lesson learned I should have left him in 2019 rather than carrying him over 2020. 

What he could have done differently:

Hey, let me be clear here, I’m not upset that he left and quarantined in Florida. The man is single, he can do whatever he wants and if that means leaving IL for a warmer climate, be my guest. But with regards to dating - here’s what he could have done differently 

  1. He could have tried to meet up with me during the day before he left for the airport. As I said, he could have delivered a to-go coffee and created a spontaneous socially-distant quarantine meet-up. Sure it’s less romantic than “date night” but the effort and thought would have been present and THAT is what matters to women. You could be running around doing chores together but you wanted to do them together - the effort and thought are what is remembered not the activity. He failed this one

  2. He could have sent me a gift the nights before he left for Florida. Again, it’s not about something big or expensive, he could have sent me a pizza for all I care, but he didn’t. He didn’t think it was worth it. Again the thought and effort weren’t there so I felt like I wasn’t a priority in his life. Why would I want to stick around and continue putting in the effort on my part with someone who doesn’t value me? He failed here too

  3. He could have been more clear with his travel plans - “hey I’m leaving for Florida on Friday and planning on spending 3 weeks down there quarantining with the sun and the beach. I know it’s less than ideal timing since we had a date planned this week but I’d like to still meet you when I return in June...the date is still floating but I want you to know that you’re still on my mind but ya know COVID.” That clearly explains where I fall in the list of priorities for him and honestly, as a single woman I would have been MUCH more inclined to say, I totally get that, and yeah I look forward to our date in June. But because he never told me when he would be coming back from quarantining - or at least planning on returning - then what does he expect me to do? Sit around waiting for him and we practice texting? No, I have better things to do wit my time than to text someone who literally bailed on a first date with me and failed to reschedule it. He failed this one as well and when it all comes down to it - dating during COVID has taught ALL of us that the only thing that will save relationships during this pandemic is effort. Thinking about how you can make the other person happy from a NON-PHYSICAL perspective is really what has come to the forefront of relationships right now. Thoughtfulness, consideration, and kindness. Those are all hugely important right now and there are many different ways to show interest but this guy didn’t on any level so why would I actually think he’s interested in me? Because guys, he’s not, he was just quarantine bored like I was…. Don’t fall for this - take my lesson and learn from this and spot the signs before you get sucked up in a quarantine tornado that makes you feel like “well why the hell did I even engage with you in the first place. I should have left you in 2019….”

Kiss - Our kiss this week goes out a couple of things:

  1. The special souls who have already signed up for the High-Value Package - this coaching program will directly benefit you and your dating life. I’ve met some really beautiful people who have so much love to share with the world. With just a few polishing moments, these gems will turn into the diamonds we both know they truly are. I believe in you guys and I believe you are going to find the love you’re looking for. You need to believe in yourself and sometimes that includes investing in yourself. If you’re thinking about it but you’re not sure, book a free consultation with me and we’ll chat through things before you commit to anything. Also if you’re running into money problems, don’t hesitate to tell me - we can work out a payment plan that works for you. My motivation is helping people find new levels of happiness and self-care is the first building block of successful romantic relationships. Together we can do it and the people who have already signed up know exactly what I’m talking about. Snatch up that last spot on our coaching program before I close the signup. 

  2. Dating Hotline’s music transition composer Nikolas Thorpe was LIVE with Justin Bieber last week promoting his band HIPPIExTRIBE. YESSS you guys - do I know how to scout up and coming talent or what. Nikolas and the other members of HIPPIExTRIBE collaborated with JB on IGTV and that is exactly what social media should be doing right now - creating unique partnerships with people who are out. It feels insensitive to flex on Instagram right now, but this is exactly the type of flexing I like seeing. People out there chasing their dreams and finding ways to achieve them. So happy for HippiexTribe and I love watching them gaining momentum. 

Ok, that’s our show for this week - thank you for tuning in to Dating Hotline - presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - Chicago’s full-service dating and dating & relationship consultancy. This is your host Chloé Miller. Thank you to our show music composer Andrew Langdon and our transition composer Nikolas Thorpe. If there's something you want to talk about in the future episodes, there's a link in the show notes where you can submit your stories. Otherwise, you guys, DM me your dating questions, email me your thoughts, and please, please, please tell all of your friends to listen. Don’t forget to leave us a review - we want 5 stars! Dating hotline releases new episodes every Wednesday at 11 am CENTRAL. Please subscribe and leave us a review on Apple Podcast and follow us on Spotify. 

OUTRO

 
Chloé Miller, MA, LPC, MFTCComment