Ep 21: Celebrity Divorces & What It's Exposing

Dating Hotline, a podcast presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT

Dating Hotline

Ep. 21
Celebrity Divorces & What It’s Exposing

SHOW NOTES

- DATING HOTLINE -
Ep 21: Celebrity Divorces & What It’s Exposing

Host: Chloé Miller
Production: AND, SWIPE RIGHT INC.
Show Music: Andrew Langdon
Transition Music: Nikolas Thorpe

“ One form of Modern Domestic Abuse is financial abuse and once you reach a certain financial threshold the abuse becomes invisible. There are no bruises to hide, there are no issues to cover up but all of a sudden you are trapped living in your own nightmare. It doesn’t matter how many cars you have, how many luxury vacations you go on, and how many designer items you have in your closet, if you can’t get out of a toxic environment then you are trapped in an abusive situation. And from my experience, financial abuse is not the only form of abuse that’s present, it’s just the easiest to exercise control over your partner. "

-Chloé Miller
Founder, & CEO of AND, SWIPE RIGHT

EPISODE DESCRIPTION

In the twenty-first episode of Dating Hotline presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - Chloé examines the commonality between two celebrity divorces and what they are exposing with regard to modern-day domestic abuse which also happens to be a prime example of how society unknowingly & systemically sides with the abuser…. Kristin Cavallari & Jay Cutler and Mary Kate Olsen & Oliver Sarkozy. Plus, she discusses two things

1. What's the most significant finding?

2. What we can do about it?

LINKS

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TRANSCRIPT

Dating Hotline

Ep 21: Celebrity Divorces & What It’s Exposing

Hi Dating Hotliners - Today’s episode on the surface looks light and fluffy but really we’re going to dive into some heavier topics. And before you come at me I will warn you that this will be an unpopular opinion but I am NOT choosing sides nor am I supporting one person over the other. I’m holding true to my commitment to shed light on healthy and unhealthy dating practices. Both of these divorces are great examples of one form of modern-day domestic abuse. Ya ready? Let’s go.

Show Music

What’s up you guys? How’s it going? Welcome to the 21st episode of Dating Hotline, this is your host, Chloé Miller.  Dating Hotline is presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - an online dating & relationship consultancy. Through services like Dating & Relationship Coaching, Personal Styling, creating engaging dating profiles, and their newest service, a monthly texting membership AND SWIPE RIGHT provides support throughout all stages of dating. AND, SWIPE RIGHT is setting a high-value standard in online dating by empowering single women and men with dating techniques.

Thank you for listening today and every week - Dating Hotline releases new episodes EVERY WEDNESDAY at 11 am Central Time. So go ahead and hit that subscribe button on Apple Podcast or Follow on Spotify that way you’ll automatically get our new episode every week. And you guys please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts. Your reviews help other people find Dating Hotline and then they listen to our show. Thank you for the 5-star rating! After you’ve left your review - send me a screenshot. I want to make sure to thank you appropriately. We post all of this information on the AND, SWIPE RIGHT website - Our show notes host links to the business & products we feature and other gems like our newsletter - check it out andswiperight.com

Tomorrow - I am hosting our 6th QUARANTINED TOGETHER event and this week’s theme is Bring Your Favorite Podcast. Grab a cocktail or a bottle of sparkling water and drop into this week’s QT event as we discuss our interests on a deeper level. You are absolutely welcome to say Dating Hotline is your favorite podcast and I will let you speak ALL NIGHT if that’s your choice, but I also totally support other shows because the two I’m bringing are totally different from what I discuss every week here on Dating Hotline. If you think you have a good one and want to share it with the group, sign up for this week’s event! Sign up on the AND, SWIPE RIGHT website under the Quarantined Together tab and I’ll shoot over the email with the Zoom invite. QT x AND, SWIPE RIGHT happens every week, I host these free virtual events every Thursday at 8 pm Central and each week has a new theme. Come hang out with us! When you sign up I’ll add your email to our invite list.

Ok let’s get into it and I should give you the heads up this is not a Q&A format today. As I stated earlier we’re focusing on the case study of two celebrity divorces that are prime examples of ways society unknowingly & systemically sides with the abuser….

Who are our players? Jay Cutler & Kristen Cavalieri // Mary Kate Olsen & Pierre Oliver Sarkozy 

Standing 5 feet 2 inches, we have Mary Kate Olsen - stared in Full House and a handful of other movies, she later went on to become a fashion designer and businesswoman. Also, she’s a notoriously private celebrity  And her 6 foot 2 in tall husband, Pierre Oliver Sarkozy - is a French Investment banker for the Carlyle Group and his half brother is the former president of France.

And in the other corner, we have, 

Standing 5 feet 3 inches, Kristen Cavallari - a Reality TV star turned fashion, lifestyle & jewelry line businesswoman and her 6 foot 3 tall husband Jay Cutler - Former Chicago Bears quarterback.

So basically total nobodies. Ha. Ok well at least Oliver is the smallest celeb on the table but that’s also because he’s French, he doesn't really have the opportunity to compete with the celeb status of one of the Olsen Twins, a reality tv star, and a former NFL quarterback. Hold up - how CRAZY is that height comparison tho - basically, they are cookie cutters of each other?! 

But now that we know who the players are let’s examine the situations. Let me paint the picture so you can make your own judgment of what’s right and wrong.

Jay Culter & Kristen Cavallari have 3 kids & a farm in Tennessee. Kristen Cavallari has been visibly miserable in her relationship for years - their reality tv show flopped and honestly I never watched it but from the few clips I saw on the trailer there is no love between Jay & Kristen. Honestly, I find it sad to see those kinds of relationships because people misappropriate valued things that in the long run didn’t turn out to prove long-lasting love. We all love and expect pretty people to marry other pretty people but sometimes those relationships are all smoke and mirrors. Jay & Kristens was just that. Fast forward a couple years, they have 3 kids and a mansion in Nashville. Jay is classic Jay - and true to his character - a very indifferent person. He DGAF about anything. And if you watched Laguna Beach in the early 2000s you’ll remember how manipulative Kristin was portrayed so you have to imagine that she’s true to herself and still manipulating things to get her way. I’m a big believer in people changing but I just don’t see these two making moves in the personal development category. So when you have manipulation and indifference meeting in the middle, it’s a never-ending losing battle for both parties. It reeks of toxicity. 

Now with Mary Kate and Oliver, their relationship has been classically under wraps and as I said earlier, it makes sense seeing how MK isn’t about that life anymore and the French culture is similar to the British in the sense that you keep your life private. Button up and don’t share your problems with the public. You can see the appeal for both parties, their mutual dislike of the spotlight and love for cigarettes brought them together. But now after 5 years of marriage, she is filing an emergency divorce from him because he is trying to kick her out of their apt because he allegedly terminated their apt lease without telling her. She claims that this is his attempt for her to lose her personal belongings because she has no time to find a new apartment, especially on such short notice. Without either of them commenting further on this emergency order MK filed, it’s hard to find the truth here. But what we can see is that their relationship went south quickly and unfortunately there’s no time for mediation to resolve the issues. But rather, it’s just an emotionally charged response that’s a result of the pain he carries. Every person in this dual-couple case study is going through something painful - a break up is never without emotion and heartbreak, especially when you’re talking about a marriage. But when you resort to emotionally charged actions in spite of the other person that’s when you move into abusive behavior. 

Now, if we removed the celebrity from these individuals and just looked at them as humans, could we be more compassionate to what they are going through? Two people out of this group of 4 are now effectively trapped in unhealthy situations. 

One person is trying to leave a toxic relationship but more importantly a toxic environment that if sustained long-term will be detrimental to their physical health and the other is about to be effectively “homeless”.

Now Kristin Cavallari has come out stating how she’s doing living with her best friend and how she’s moving on. It’s a struggle but she is. And MK won't because she doesn't like the spotlight so she’ll keep her business to herself - is a low key miracle that this news made it into the press but that’s because court filings are public record, thank you journalism but really this is the stuff that the tabloids live for. Why? Because people love to watch people at the top struggle, we forget that we’re all human and that celebrities are people with feelings too. Just because they have millions of dollars more than we do, it’s hard to fathom the struggles they experience when we all know how much power money brings. But that’s exactly the problem - when money is used over someone to intimidate, force action, deny or prevent action then you have created a financially abusive relationship and because they have so much money, it’s hard to see them as financial bullies but that’s what both individuals are doing to the women in these relationships. Jay Cutler has way too big of a following for anyone to not side with him and Oliver has done some shady shit to force MK’s hand and since it’s quarantine, her emergency divorce request was denied, unfortunately siding with him and excusing his actions here. When you take away their celebrity this is the story of two women being played by two men who used their finances to control a situation in their favor. 

Question 2: What’s the most significant finding here?

“One form of Modern Domestic Abuse is financial abuse and once you reach a certain financial threshold the abuse becomes invisible. There are no bruises to hide, there are no issues to cover up but all of a sudden you are trapped living in your own nightmare. It doesn’t matter how many cars you have, how many luxury vacations you go on, and how many designer items you have in your closet, if you can’t get out of a toxic environment then you are trapped in an abusive situation. And from my experience, financial abuse is not the only form of abuse that’s present, it’s just the easiest to exercise control over your partner.”

This is not new and this is not news to some people. Once you cross over making 6 figures money changes the relationship. Again, this whole episode is an unpopular opinion and I’m cool with that just please don’t come at me saying that not all men are like this because I know they aren’t I’ve dated men since him who were the exact opposite of this but there are men out there who are and that’s why I’m addressing this. First with the celebrity divorces because they are exposing how prevalent this is and how easily we all look past it as if it’s acceptable behavior because of their financial success but like I said if you humanize them and remove their celebrity status, can you find more compassion for them? If not, then let me tell you a little bit about my financially abusive relationship and maybe that will help show that it’s not just with celebrities making millions, it happens with everyday people making hundreds of thousands of dollars too. 

I dated a man before he hit six figures, during his financial success, and well after his first $100K, and our relationship dramatically changed. Unfortunately, I was not as experienced in life as I am now to recognize the red flags as they appeared in each instance of our relationship but here are a few of the red flags that now I would NEVER relinquish control of today. 

When the income is severely lopsided like ours was, but the expectation is to go 50/50 on everything, this effectively takes one person out of a reasonable budget and forces them to live outside of their means…which ultimately drives them into debt creating financial codependency. This person has now become trapped because they literally cannot afford to get out and they are at the mercy of the person who makes more money to provide for them. On paper, this sounds like it’s not that bad if one person wants to pick up the other person’s expenses be my guest. NO NO NO NO that’s exactly how it’s presented but you’re missing the bigger picture here. The goal is to cut you off from your financial freedom so that you fall in love with this larger than life lifestyle and therefore you would never leave because walking away means you’re giving it all up. And as we just said - on paper who would do that? This is a long term strategy that is executed over time with small, micro-sized cuts away along the way so that you don’t see it and also don’t notice it until it’s too late. It takes no time to create debt but it can take years to pay it off. 

It’s funny when you come into money, people really do come running to you expecting your generosity and while I take full responsibility for the decisions I made at that time in my life - I don’t excuse his actions for making me pay for everything and split things 50/50 when my salary was not even comparable and these were his events we were attending. Every event we attended, we needed new clothes and we couldn’t show up empty-handed. It’s usually the woman’s responsibility to pick out the hostess gift and therefore purchasing and paying for these gifts fell to me - this was WELL before we had a joint checking account. But once we opened a joint checking account it was all downhill after that. At the time I was talked into it for a handful of reasons, the main one was the luxury lifestyle I was promised it would bring. But what ended up happening was me moving my money into that account and then later, him cleaning it all out as a final fuck you when we broke up. 

This man knew what he was doing and he was angling for it from the very beginning days of our relationship. I was naive to believe his intentions were good because, in reality, they were so far from that. Don’t get me wrong, he bribed me with great things along the way - and I fell for every one of them because I was young and swept off my feet by the luxury life I was living. But what I learned there is that it doesn’t matter where or what you do, if you don’t have your own FUCK YOU money then you’ll never be able to say FUCK YOU and for any reason, financial abuse as one of them, I stayed in that relationship much longer than I wanted to because I wasn’t in the position to say FUCK YOU I’m leaving. And he knew me well enough to know that I had that within me the entire time we dated so he worked the entire time we dated to break that - using his financial success as one of the controlling factors that kept me trapped. 

  • Question 2 - So what can we do about this? 

Educate more people on the hidden abuse that financial abuse is - specifically AllState’s Purple Purse organization helps women to escape financially abusive relationships. In many cases (fortunately not mine) women are married with children and trapped and unable to leave because they cannot afford the cost of escaping. Kristen Cavallari. Yes, she could reduce her lifestyle expenses to something the rest of the world lives with to get herself out of the situation but in a divorce court, without a prenup (and that’s a whole other conversation) she would be entitled to a comparable lifestyle to what she had while they were a married couple. So her request for a $5Million home isn’t that unrealistic. But this is why we have divorce lawyers because when marriages end and lovers become enemies, you need professional mediators to help split things in an equitable manner - again prenup aside. 

Could MK move out of this apartment and into one of their 3 other homes in the NYC area? Yes. Could she put her prized belongings in a storage unit and figure it out down the road? Yes, but her hand is forced here. That’s a controlling action and what’s the vehicle for this control - finances. 

I’m not asking you to have sympathy for Kristen or Mary Kate but I am asking you to take a step back and recognize that they are victims here - even if their situation is hard to sympathize with, their celebrity highlights how prevalent this type of relationship control is in modern society. As much as women have made efforts to prevail their status in the workplace, in society, and in many other areas of life - relationships are still stuck in the 1950s where women have to “ask for an allowance” or “ask for permission to buy something”. If you were to ask them if that was their life while they were happily together they probably would have said no, but the moment their relationship went south, both partners chose to retaliate where it would hurt the most and for both of them, it was financially. 

I ran into this ex one time at a bar in Chicago and he came up to me with a long list of expense that he wanted me to pay him back for...one being a vacation I never went on, and thanks for social media, I saw he took someone else but he was in that moment with me, demanding that I repay him for the expense I incurred on the trip I never went on. That was the start of the conversation, it went further downhill after that with each item he listed as part of my debt to him. He thought he could manipulate me into saying yes, ok I’ll pay you back. But I didn’t and I told him I wasn’t going to because I know for a fact that man-made over a quarter of a million dollars when we were dating and now it’s probably double and he wants to come back to me with a list of expenses from when we were together? Sorry, bro, that ship has sailed try your games on someone else. 

If you know someone who is in a situation like this or if this is ringing true for you in a previous relationship - reach out to me. Let’s talk. There’s no judgment if you’ve been on either side of this situation. We all have the ability to change and grow, our past doesn't define who we are today. If you choose to repeat your actions then you are measured by who you are in today's moment, but if you choose to make a different decision then I’m proud of you for changing. 

Curves & Kisses

We are swerving around  these curves and blowing kisses as we go 

Curve - 

Our curve this week goes to power trips. There’s been a couple of people in the news lately that are flexing more power than they actually have. This whole episode is a dramatic example of a power trip but also recognizes when you’re stepping out and get back in line. Stay in your lane and don’t try to blow things up because you think you know what’s better. 

If you’re keeping up with the drama over at Barstool Sports what we have learned from this is that you don’t fuck with El Presidente - Suitman just stirred up some shit because he thought he could get away with more than he really could. The lesson here - stay in your lane, start with a conversation otherwise it could all blow up in your face. Both couples in today’s episode can definitely agree with this sentiment. If either of them had the opportunity for a conversation with a mediator things might have gone differently but we know money and power go together and when negative emotions get involved you have a recipe for a power trip that will blow it all up.

Kiss - 

Our kiss this week goes out to - one of AND, SWIPE RIGHT’s clients. Before working with us, he was only meeting people through friends and he really wasn’t having the best luck dating. We created a dating profile for him and helped him craft the response to the dating prompts on Hinge, because you guys already know how much I love that dating app, and yesterday he sent me an email before he went into work. I’m going to read it to you guys because these are the comments and reviews I live for

Chloé….so Hinge is going well! I have had two zoom cocktails (So far) 

 with a nice woman I connected with. She actually replied to my housekeeping prompt (cleaning before the cleaning woman comes over). In fact I’ve had a few replies to that prompt! And a few other good conversations as well. So hopefully that continues!

Ok well I should prob get to work...lol. Have a great day!”

This guy went from no dating life to having a couple of zoom cocktail dates in one week! He wrote that email to me early in the morning before he started his workday - that means he was so happy and in such a good mood that he’s going to work happy! And that right there makes me feel so good knowing that he’s happier than he was before we worked together but more so, he is out there matching, chatting, and virtually dating women that he wouldn’t have met without getting on a dating app. Also, this isn’t his first email sending me his positive feedback on his profile and his experience on Hinge. He’s having such a positive experience because we crafted a profile that would get engagement but that’s also true to who he is. If it wasn’t he wouldn’t be chatting and virtually dating these women. The train would have gone off the tracks way before the virtual date happened, but his profile is an accurate representation of who he is and the women he’s chatting with are seeing that and like that. There’s strategy and thought that should go into your dating profile, we helped him present himself in an attractive way and positioned his profile to get engagement, and now he gets to have fun as he matches with all these women and one day, post-quarantine meet them IRL.

Ok, that’s our show for this week - thank you for tuning in to Dating Hotline - presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - Chicago’s full-service dating and dating & relationship consultancy. This is your host Chloé Miller. Thank you to our show music composer Andrew Langdon and our transition composer Nikolas Thorpe. If there's something you want to talk about in the future episodes, there's a link in the show notes where you can submit your stories. Otherwise, you guys, DM me your dating questions, email me your thoughts, and please, please, please tell all of your friends to listen. Don’t forget to leave us a review - we want 5 stars! Dating hotline releases new episodes every Wednesday at 11 am CENTRAL. Please subscribe and leave us a review on Apple Podcast and follow us on Spotify.

OUTRO

 
Chloé Miller, MA, LPC, MFTCComment