Ep 22: Dating, Simplified

Dating Hotline, a podcast presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT

Dating Hotline

Ep. 22
Dating, Simplified

SHOW NOTES

- DATING HOTLINE -
Ep 22: Dating, Simplified

Host: Chloé Miller
Production: AND, SWIPE RIGHT INC.
Show Music: Andrew Langdon
Transition Music: Nikolas Thorpe

“ Here’s my advice as the quarantine rules are letting up and you are merging back into in-person dating. Simplify your dates - COVID is teaching us less is more.  "

-Chloé Miller
Founder, & CEO of AND, SWIPE RIGHT

EPISODE DESCRIPTION

In the twenty-second episode of Dating Hotline presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - Chloé strips away the pretenses of dating and presents dating as it should be - focused on just getting to know each other and how to impress someone with a simple but special date. Plus she answers two popular dating questions:

1. What does a first date look like post-COVID?

2. How do I set up a simple date without underwhelming my date?

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TRANSCRIPT

Dating Hotline

Ep 22: Dating, Simplified

Hi Dating Hotliner’s - I have good and bad news for you today. We’ll start with the good - Quarantine rules are relaxing and in Illinois, Patio Season is OPEN! Now the bad news is that that doesn't necessarily apply to Chicago. The playpen has been shut down indefinitely and who knows what rooftop season will look like this year with the socially distant rules still in place it’s a jump ball. BUT here’s the silver lining to all of this - warmer weather allows for more dating opportunities. As in, YES make these first dates less virtual and back to in-person first dates. How are we going to do that - that’s exactly what we're going to talk about today. Ya ready? Let’s go

Show Music

What’s up you guys? How’s it going? Welcome to the 22nd episode of Dating Hotline, this is your host, Chloé Miller.  Dating Hotline is presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - an online dating & relationship consultancy. Through services like Dating & Relationship Coaching, private personal consulting appointments, Personal Styling services, creating engaging dating profiles, and their newest service, a monthly texting membership AND SWIPE RIGHT provides support throughout all stages of dating. AND, SWIPE RIGHT is setting a high-value standard in online dating by empowering single women and men with dating techniques.

Thank you for listening today and every week - Dating Hotline releases new episodes EVERY WEDNESDAY at 11 am Central Time. So go ahead and hit that subscribe button on Apple Podcast or Follow on Spotify that way you’ll automatically get our new episode every week. And you guys please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts. Your reviews help other people find Dating Hotline and then they listen to our show. Thank you for the 5-star rating! After you’ve left your review - send me a screenshot. I want to make sure to thank you appropriately. We post all of this information on the AND, SWIPE RIGHT website - Our show notes host links to the business & products we feature and other gems like our newsletter - check it out andswiperight.com

On Thursday - I am hosting our 7th QUARANTINED TOGETHER event and this week’s theme is “Most Likely To”. Grab a cocktail or a bottle of sparkling water and drop into this week’s QT event as we nominate each other to be the most likely to…win the Most Dramatic award, win the most likely to be pulled over by a cop, win the most likely to become the next internet sensation...these also double for the best conversation starters so I can only imagine where this group will take some of these nominations. Sign up on the AND, SWIPE RIGHT website under the Quarantined Together tab and I’ll shoot over the email with the Zoom invite. QT x AND, SWIPE RIGHT happens every week, I host these free virtual events every Thursday at 8 pm Central and each week has a new theme. Come hang out with us! When you sign up I’ll add your email to our invite list.

Last week we talked about a heavier topic - financial abuse and why financial freedom is SOOOO important. I want to thank everyone who reached out to me after that episode, your support further proves that I’m covering the topics that need to be addressed. I was nervous and feeling very emotionally vulnerable after sharing the financial abuse I endured in a previous relationship and that barely scratched the surface but even that was hard for me to go towards because even though it’s been years since we dated, I still at times worry about the repercussions of my actions because I was conditioned to believe there are consequences for every action I make. It’s crazy to think that I still have a shadow of insecurity from that relationship but that proves that any form of abuse leaves long-lasting psychological effects and like financial debt, it can happen in a short time but it can take years to heal from. Thank you to everyone who reached out supporting my decision to talk about these heavier topics. There are plenty more that I will cover because as I said, I barely scratched the surface of the unfathomable experiences I’ve lived through in my relationships. And the best way to combat shame is to own it and embrace that part of your life. It’s taken years for me to get to this point and to forgive myself for what I went through and because of that self-forgiveness I can now discuss it with you and hopefully help you navigate through the good and the bad so you don’t end up repeating my dating mistakes. I have a great support system, I have friends, I have a great job, I had a close family and yet I still walked into dangerous situations unknowingly. Don’t make my mistakes and if you’re listening to this podcast then I know you won't. 

Alright let’s talk about what we can look forward to with Summer 2020 quickly approaching. Dating Outdoors! Yes, this is a small victory but at this point, size doesn't matter we just need more Ws. We’ve learned so much from COVID but one of the biggest lessons I’ve taken away from it is that we needed to remove all the pretenses from dating and strip it down to the core values and focus on that. Let go of the superficial expectations and just get to know each other. We’ve all seen into each other's homes and we know what some people’s bedrooms look like now, we’ve met our coworker’s children through zoom, and I’ve even face timed with people without makeup - sounds trivial but there are plenty of women out there who would never think about jumping on a zoom date or even a regular first date without makeup. It’s just not what we used to do but now that we’ve all settled into quarantine life - a lot of things have changed.

Here’s my advice as the quarantine rules are letting up and you are merging back into in-person dating. Simplify your dates - COVID is teaching us less is more. Save the flashy dates and the lavish experiences for later in dating and focus on getting to know each other first. Dinner and drinks is fine but remember, how do you separate yourself from every other date? Go back to the basics and spend time making those special. 

Dating Hotline Q 1 - What does a first date look like post-COVID?

Here's what you can do if you’re doing socially distant dates without a mask

-go for a walk and not that I encourage breaking the law but make a little mixie and bring some tequila with you to spice up your walk together. 

-go for a drive together, I mean come on, has there ever been a better time to just cruise around the city or your town with someone? No destination in mind just enjoying each other's company, some good music, and some good company?

-or now that it’s starting to get nicer outside, go for a picnic. I know none of these are earth-shattering ideas but since we’re still in lockdown in Chicago - patio season and the playpen have both been shut down, what else are we single people supposed to do to capitalize on our season and better yet, how the hell else are we supposed to get back in touch with human contact? So, ladies and gentlemen, start simplifying your dates. Meet at a park, go for a long walk together, get some chalk and draw on the sidewalk while you enjoy a cocktail….it doesn’t even matter what you do anymore, just get together in person so you can start to remember how to date in-person again. Everyone’s moves will be a bit rusty but don’t delay getting back to in-person dating. It will help you in more ways than you know.

Plus, I’ve had SO MANY conversations with women who are over the flashy expensive dates and are just looking to meet a guy they can literally hang out and chill with for hours. Hello that’s all we’ve been doing in quarantine so it doesn't matter how much money you want to drop on a date if we don't vibe together then you can save your money because we won't be going out again. So instead of spending a ton of money showing me “how cool you are” plan for a simpler date - take a page out of the French lifestyle - grab some wine and a blanket and go sit in the park together and just literally pass time enjoying each other's company.  

Here’s an example of a simple date that went well - (Granted this was pre-COVID but it was so good she still talks about it) One woman told me that she and this guy went to a dive bar to watch a college football game together, had a bunch of cocktails together, later grabbed some drunk food, and then went and met up with her friends as the day turned into the evening. It was an all-day day date and while this breaks a lot of the rules I’ve talked about in previous episodes, COVID has blown up life as we know it and it’s all about creating new rules. 

Now let me dissect this date for you - because this won't be every girl’s dream first date but this will be some girls’.

  • First - this girl is all about football and college football is her thing, she went to a big 10 school so football is a big part of her fall Saturdays. So when the guy figured this out, he realized ok we both can win here by choosing to watch HER team over his. A good power move on his part. Yes he probably would have wanted to watch his team play but he wanted to show effort and so he found a dive bar for them to watch her team together. Good move sir, plus choosing a smaller venue means they could chat and spend time just the two of them away from the large crowds. 

  • Next, they got to hang out just the two of them while watching football - something that will be a big part of their Saturdays going forward if their relationship takes off - if they can spend a couple of hours together enjoying this football game just the two of them then there’s a good chance they will continue to enjoy each other's company going forward regardless of the activity. Also, since he conceded on her team this time, she’ll be more willing to concede on his team next week.

  • Drunk food - an absolute MUST. If you’re enjoying multiple cocktails throughout the day then you have to have something to absorb all that alcohol otherwise you’re signing up for a baaaad hangover the next day. This guy knew that and was prepared with the perfect destination for their drunk food escapade. Pizza by the slice never disappoints. Also a crowd pleaser - tacos! 

  • Lastly, they went out and met up with some of her girlfriends. They didn’t stick around too long with them but that’s beside the point, the point is that this guy put in the effort to show her that he’s willing to join in on her hobbies and be a part of her life. This whole date revolved around what her interests are and what she wanted to do. He showed her how he can prioritize her and make her feel like her interests are his interests. I’m not asking for major sacrifices, this can be simple and this can be executed through small things but the fact that this guy chose her football game to watch, and then decided to meet up with her friends later in the evening before splitting off to meet his friends is such a smooth move. 

    • A] Her girlfriends got to meet him, and they got to see them together. Sure they are a couple of cocktails deep but the point here is that the girlfriends got to see them interacting and after a couple of hours the two would have a flirty vibe going and her girlfriends got to see this in action. This means he is leaving an impression on her friends. In other words, these girlfriends will be talking about him long after the date is over and long after you’ve left. It doesn’t take much for you to do to impress them in this situation - this is how you literally show up and impress her friends. 

    • B] He put in the effort on a day date - probably got a steamy make-out somewhere in there and then showed his interest in her by going out to meet up with her friends. Then following that he splinters off and goes out to meet up with his friends. This is where he gets his night back. He goes out with the boys after spending the day with someone he’s interested in. Guys, you will feel like you just navigated the day like a pro - you got your date in and you got your time in with your boys and you still have your Saturday night ahead of you.

    • C] Ladies, is there anything better than showing up to meet your girlfriends with this new guy you’re seeing? Even if it’s a first date you’re bringing someone with you who’s company you’re enjoying. It’s honestly sublime! This is so much fun and while everyone else is chatting about the guys they’re seeing or talking to your guy is actually there with you. The perfect opportunity for you to see if you can all hang together all while you’re still getting attention from the guy you want it from. It’s an ideal situation for everyone. 

    • D] Lastly, this is not the time for the guy to pick up a couple of rounds for your girlfriends. He’s not your boyfriend, he doesn't owe your friends anything and he doesn’t have to impress them with any grand gesture. This is just in essence making sure you got to meet up with your girls safely, saying hello and sticking around for another 30 minutes or so. Guys this is a smooth move that costs you nothing. Don’t stick around long because if you do then the table will expect you to pick up a round but maybe buy you and her a drink, finish it and then bounce. The point here is literally show up, impress, and then leave on a high note. Both of you will be glowing from your fun date and then both of you will be able to spend Saturday night with your friends. 

    • And for the power move of all power moves - guys - text her the next day asking how her evening went after you two split. This is your follow up text and it’s the perfect topic to text with purpose while also being a great segway into that was fun I want to see you again, are you free Thursday? 

    • And just like that you had a great date and you're already setting up another one later this week. Hello mr suave did you really just finesse that like a pro? YES, yes you did. 

Dating Hotline Q 2 - How do I set that up without underwhelming my date?

This is a great question because you don't want to look like someone who’s not putting in effort or who doesn't care but as i said earlier - less is more. Don’t pull out the flashy stuff on date 1, save that for a special occasion with this girl - maybe date 4 or 5. But start small so you have the chance to build your dates up to something important. Don’t put everything into the first date and then have nowhere to go up from there.

Ask her about what are the simple things she misses from life before COVID - we can all say life without a mask, seeing friends, patio season, traveling…the list goes on and on but what you’re doing here with his Q is investigative work - you are looking for details on how you can recreate something like that for her on a date that’s simplified. If she’s not giving you the answer you want - push her with a comment like “ok yes I so miss that too, but Chloé tell me what's your most missed Chicago dating experience since COVID took that away?” If you want, you can even give her a multiple-choice option so you can lead her to the type of answer you're looking for but more importantly leave option D as a fill in the blank option. This way she can see what you're getting at and then give you her personalized response vs the spoonfed answer you gave her. This is not about what you want to do, this is about investigative work to figure out what she likes. For example Option A - getting picked up on your dates B- getting dressed up for a fancy occasion option C- fresh flowers or option D- _________ fill in the blank. 

Guys, here’s why those options are helpful and he’s what they will tell you about you about your date. 

Options A - getting picked up on a date - then you could suggest a date that’s an adventure involving a car - aka just going for a cruise. Tell her that if you’re picking her up then she’s in charge of making a playlist for the date. This can be especially fun because you two can bond or playfully argue over the music she chooses. This is basically your first mixtape as a couple - don’t forget to give her a couple of suggestions of your favorites songs to include in the playlist. This way you both get to listen to what you like and you’re both putting in effort to get to know each other. Songs have a way of bringing up memories and they are especially easy to attach memories to - create a fun day date with her and with the right music, you two will have a magical date.

Side note - ladies - if this cruise date is happening, bring a small little gift to leave with him, it’s the perfect leave behind for him on your date that will have him thinking about you long after the date. An example of this is a little bottle of tequila - yes you guys it’s all i drink and now it’s summer so of course I’m always going to suggest a mini bottle of alcohol. Not the shooters you get on the plane, but the cute little bottles you get from Binny’s. The ones that pour out to like 5 shots - perfect for you and him to share on your next date but at least this way you look like you’re prepared for a spontaneous adventure should you two decide to park the car and then walk home together. Our favorite advice ‘Bring a gift to remind him that you are the gift’. Again this is just up from the shooters you get on the airplanes but smaller than the 1/5ths you buy at Binny’s. They are mini bottles - like 200 mL and you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about when you see them. This also sets you up well for a picnic If you’re not interested in alcohol bring something else - like a snack or something that you can leave with him to enjoy when you’re gone. Think about what you love having in a car when you’re on a road trip and plan to bring that - your favorite snack - a bag of Cheetos, a bag of cheez its, a bag of girl scout cookies - I don’t care but bring a snack, it’s a cute thoughtful gesture that’s appreciated on both sides. The point is you want him to think about you long after the date is over - a physical gift (small in size and value) is the perfect gesture. 

Option B - Getting dressed up for a date - ok so we know we still can’t do formal date night at a restaurant or at the movies or a show, but what about creating your own fancy date night at one of your places? I did something like this with a guy I just started dating - I had a formal wedding to attend and while I didn’t have a +1 to the wedding I asked him to dress up and meet me after dinner. We had just started dating and while I wished I could have brought him to the wedding with me, we created our own fancy date night out of the event. After dinner was served he met me at this black-tie affair all dressed up and when the wedding ended we went on with our evening bar hopping at different hotel lobby’s which just elevated the date and the elegance that brought to our relationships was so much fun. I wore a floor-length gown and he was in a suit and a bowtie. We looked amazing! Had I not proposed this idea we never would have seen each other all dressed up like that because we didn’t have an occasion to wear formal attire with each other BUT I will tell you this - he never looked sexier than he did in his bow tie and his suit. It totally took our relationship to a new level and because it was so early it was another dynamic side of our relationship that we shared with each other because we created the opportunity for it. We talked about that date night all the time and recreated it a couple of times after that evening. It was a highlight of our relationship. Now with quarantine, do this at home. Agree to both dressing up with formal attire whether it’s black-tie gowns & tuxedos or cocktail dresses and suits & ties but dress up more formally than you normally would on a date and class up the evening. Maybe put on some Frank Sinatra and dance just the two of you in your apartment - do something romantic - sometimes when you're dressed up it’s A LOT easier to think of those romantic gestures and then act on them. This is the easiest way to get anyone to #swoon. 

Option C - Fresh Flowers - This is simple - if she says she misses fresh flowers then set up a picnic date with her and do not forget the fresh bouquet of flowers for her to take home after the date. Grab a bottle of wine, a blanket, a basket (or even a brown paper bag from whole foods or trader joes - frankly it doesn't matter) and scout out the perfect sunny/shaded spot in the park and build a little picnic for you two. Pro Tip - don’t forget the bottle opener and cups. It’s less fun drinking from the bottle at a picnic and if you forget the bottle opener it will be more embarrassing than you want. The easiest foods to bring for a picnic are fruit, veggies, crackers, and cheese. I’m not a cheese girl - I actually think it’s disgusting so before you go spending $75 on a cheese & charcuterie platter check with her and see what she wants to snack on during your picnic. Run your idea past her because if my date bought cheese and charcuterie I literally wouldn’t eat anything and it would be weird because I’d be wasted on the bottle of wine and it wouldn't be a fun date for me. So just make sure your idea is in alignment with her food preferences. Now, when it comes to the flowers - I highly recommend NOT buying a bouquet from the grocery store. If your date tells you she misses getting flowers -then she is NOT talking about the bouquet from trader joes that she can pick up herself. No, what you can do instead is go to a local florist, tell them how much you’re looking to spend $20-30 and then have them help you build your own bouquet. This is so much better because it’s something you can discuss with her on your date where she’ll notice you went out of your way to get these beautiful flowers, picked out the bouquet yourself, and wanted to give them to her to take home after the date. Guys, this is you showing up with a gift reminding her that you’re adding value to her life and I can almost guarantee no one else is buying her flowers in her life right now so you just became man #1 in her eyes just like that. Not only is she going to love the flowers you bought for her but she’s also going to really enjoy the picnic you two will have together because it's unlike the dates she’s been on recently and you are again just showing her how different and cool you are without even trying. Effortlessly attractive. It’s so hott and the thoughtfulness of the romantic date will be the perfect lead into a cute little makeout at the park. If you need help planning your picnic - get in touch with me, I’ll give you a checklist of MUST haves so you can impress the hell out of her on this simple but elegant date. 

Side note - my favorite florist is Marguerites Garden. They build the best bouquets and they will deliver too. They are a small business so you are supporting locals and I just walk in there tell them how much I want to spend and then I get to pick my flowers and then they arrange it in a beautiful bouquet and voila you’re done. And your floral arrangement is ready to be presented on your date. I’ll tag them on our show notes because they are simply the best their Instagram handle is @margueritegardens

Lastly, Option D - Fill in the Blank - guys you’re going to have to get creative here on your own with this one. Think about how you can create a date night around the simple pleasure she misses that isn’t listed in option A-C. If you need help - sign up for my monthly texting membership $50 for unlimited texting - and I will text you with multiple ideas of ways you can create the perfect date night for you two without even breaking a sweat. Outsource the creative date night ideas to me and I’ll hook you up with options to choose between. Plus, if she hits you with something and you don’t know how to respond in a high-value way, text me, I’ll let you know how you can keep the flirty banter going. Don’t worry - this - like all of our services are private and totally discreet. I’m not trying to date for you, I’m just trying to keep you looking good at ALL TIMES. 

Curves & Kisses

We are swerving around these curves and blowing kisses as we go

Our Curve this week goes to - The playpen’s closure for summer 2020. I have SO many good memories from the playpen. And if you don’t know what I’m talking about when I say “playpen” this is the area on Lake Michigan where all the boats drop anchor and hangout. Every Saturday and Sunday it looks like Yacht Week because there’s such a large collection of boats floating in the water closer to shore but obviously far enough away where it’s still deep enough for the boats and for people to swim. It’s the epitome of Chicago summer and if you haven’t ever tried it, book one weekend in summer 2021 to do this. Splurge and have this typical Chicago experience because it’s the perfect summer day. Cool water Hot sun, all of your friends on a boat, and endless amounts of alcohol - what could be better?!

But unfortunately that isn’t going to happen this year. COVID has other plans for everyone so instead of planning your boat trips to the Playpen, start planning your simplified dates so you can spend summer with someone because we’ve all been single for far too long because of this quarantine. Don’t extend that into summer, get out and start dating people in-person this summer.

Our Kiss this week goes to - shooting your shot. If you stay home and never step out of your comfort zone you’ll never get that date with your dream girl, you’ll never get that brand partnership with your dream company, and you’ll never grow into what you were supposed to do. It’s scary as hell and don't get us wrong, we stepped way out of our comfort zone this week (after days of putting it off) but when we finally mustered up the courage to do it, we felt so empowered by putting yourself out there. There’s magic in the uncomfortably and the bigger point is to do the things that scare the hell out of you because so what if they say no - it’s not like we all haven’t experienced rejection of some sort at this point in our lives, so if they say no just add them to the list of reasons you should do it again and never give up on your dream. BUT, if they say yes then what magic will you create because you just got one step closer to your dream. DO IT guys do something that scares you this week - get out of your comfort zone and put yourself out there. Who knows what the future of my decision to step out of my comfort zone will produce - maybe it will be the best decision of my life and maybe it will be just another no guiding me ever closer to the solution that will say yes. Either way, I’m happier than I was earlier in the week because I acted on my thoughts. I didn’t sit around wanting it to happen, I pitched it and now it’s in the hands of the universe to see where it goes. I can want this all I want, but without action it’s never going to take shape. Now I’ve acted on it and we'll see how things go - don’t worry, you’ll be the first to know when I hear back. As always, I’m working on a million things just for you guys and this is one of them - stay tuned, there are SO many good things ahead. I’m excited to be able to share them with you.

Ok, that’s our show for this week - thank you for tuning in to Dating Hotline - presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - Chicago’s full-service dating and dating & relationship consultancy. This is your host Chloé Miller. Thank you to our show music composer Andrew Langdon and our transition composer Nikolas Thorpe. If there's something you want to talk about in the future episodes, there's a link in the show notes where you can submit your stories. Otherwise, you guys, DM me your dating questions, email me your thoughts, and please, please, please tell all of your friends to listen. Don’t forget to leave us a review - we want 5 stars! Dating hotline releases new episodes every Wednesday at 11 am CENTRAL. Please subscribe and leave us a review on Apple Podcast and follow us on Spotify. 

OUTRO

 
Chloé Miller, MA, LPC, MFTCAND, SWIPE RIGHTComment