Ep 23: Deciphering Texts
Dating Hotline, a podcast presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT
Dating Hotline
Ep. 23
Deciphering Texts
SHOW NOTES
- DATING HOTLINE -
Ep 23: Deciphering Texts
Host: Chloé Miller
Production: AND, SWIPE RIGHT INC.
Show Music: Andrew Langdon
Transition Music: Nikolas Thorpe
“ There’s nothing wrong with being “a nice girl” but when it comes to dating, the nice girl (and the nice guy for that matter) generally don’t stick around too long. The Betches said it best - Nice just a place in France. Unless you’re in Nice - don’t be nice, be high-value. "
-Chloé Miller
Founder, & CEO of AND, SWIPE RIGHT
EPISODE DESCRIPTION
In the twenty-third episode of Dating Hotline presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - Chloé starts by discussing Black Lives Matter then she dives into some questions around the gray area of dating and texting. She leaves you with 3 different suggestions for how to recover from a common date texting faux pas. Plus, she answers two popular dating questions:
1. I’ve been texting someone who’s a terrible texter and we've been talking for a month now. Other people (girls) would be like byeeee at this point and ghost him. I’m so confused about where we stand. What do I do?
2. How do I respond if I’m not sure what to say in a text back? Sometimes I read a text, not sure what I want to say, and then I put my phone down and forget to respond altogether.
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TRANSCRIPT
Dating Hotline
Ep 23: Deciphering Texts
Hi Dating Hotliners - dating through text is probably one of the most difficult things online dating has brought to the forefront of dating. I’ve had so many people asking me questions that boil down to texting & dating. So today we’re going to read between the lines in these text messages. Ya ready? Let’s go.
Show Music
What’s up you guys? How’s it going? Welcome to the 23rd episode of Dating Hotline, this is your host, Chloé Miller. Dating Hotline is presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - an online dating & relationship consultancy. Through services like Dating & Relationship Coaching, private personal consulting appointments, Personal Styling services, creating engaging dating profiles, and their newest service, a monthly texting membership AND SWIPE RIGHT provides support throughout all stages of dating. AND, SWIPE RIGHT is setting a high-value standard in online dating by empowering single women and men with dating techniques.
Thank you for listening today and every week - Dating Hotline releases new episodes EVERY WEDNESDAY at 11 am Central Time. So go ahead and hit that subscribe button on Apple Podcast or Follow on Spotify that way you’ll automatically get our new episode every week. And you guys please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts. Your reviews help other people find Dating Hotline and then they listen to our show. Thank you for the 5-star rating! After you’ve left your review - send me a screenshot. I want to make sure to thank you appropriately. We post all of this information on the AND, SWIPE RIGHT website - Our show notes host links to the business & products we feature and other gems like our newsletter - check it out andswiperight.com
Also - this month you guys I’m running a summer promotion that is only good for the month of June - I’m offering 25% off my private consultation appointments so that we can all warm back up to dating from and find success this summer. We’ve been alone for far too long because of quarantine - don’t extend it through the summer with the wrong dating techniques. Book an appointment on my website - you’ll see my prices reflecting this 25% discount. This is only good for June so really, if you don’t jump to put jeans on then you are absolutely going to miss this opportunity.
Before we get into things today - I have to address what’s going on in society. What has happened in America for the past 400 years is systemic racism and it needs to come to an end. We are in the middle of another civil rights movement and if you don’t see this as big as what Martin Lutherr King Jr fought for then you’re missing the message. The black community on paper has the same rights as the white community but the white community has systematically created insurmountable challenges to purposely hold back the black community, whether it’s economic opportunities, lifestyle disadvantages, or even a lack of proximitable healthcare resources, to say a black person’s life is equitable to a white person’s life is just simply not true.
If as white people we don’t understand the issue of white privilege then I encourage you to take a moment to empathize with other Americans as they are living a life far from the life that you know and furthermore, far from the privileges that you call rights. Every American is free until proven innocent but then why do we suspect a black person walking down the street to be nefarious? Why do we still racially profile? Why do we look at them as the enemy and us as needing protection from them? Why don’t we extend our inalienable rights to every American? I’m not positioned to speak with authority on this topic, and I’m definitely not trying to point the finger because as a white woman I don’t know what it’s like, I don’t know what it’s like to be black in America - a country that promises freedom but deepening on your race the definition of freedom changes and worse yet, some of those rights turn to privileges that are not always extended. But I do know what it’s like to be a woman and to have suffered sexism and other discriminatory actions against myself, and it’s one of the worst feelings to encounter someone who literally looks past you because in their eyes you are deemed unworthy. I can’t speak to racial issues in America because I’ve never experienced them personally but I can say there’s nothing more disheartening than suffering through someone’s discriminatory belief because of a biological factor. Hate is taught, and there are still people raising the next generation with hatred towards other people just because it makes them uncomfortable. As a woman, I empathize with the discrimination felt by people of color but as a human, I sympathize with the black community because we have done them so wrong for so long. As a country, I know we can do better. Just like we did with COVID-19, we can band together to create immediate change. Change doesn’t take a long time to implement, that’s just an excuse for older populations to keep the status quo. We watched our country mobilize into a health care center in a matter of weeks thanks to the Coronavirus but we are still telling the black population that they need to wait in line for their voices to be heard and then, even then we still deny them the right to be acknowledged as Americans pleading for help?
America, the whole world is watching. What are we going to do? How are we going to help? We can't fix the past, those pains and tragedies have already happened. There have been countless deaths at the hands of and “oops” moment but we can change the future. We can make a difference for everyone going forward. We can provide space for healing to happen and for underrepresented voices to be heard. We can acknowledge our mistakes and work together to create a better future for everyone, but especially the oppressed people of color. Dating Hotline and AND, SWIPE RIGHT support Black Lives Matter. I hope you find yourself on this side of the conversation too.
On Thursday as in tomorrow - I am hosting our 8th QUARANTINED TOGETHER event and this week’s theme is you guessed it - #BlackLivesMater. We will be discussing how we can support #BlackLivesmatter and what we can do to help. History is happening before our eyes, we must find a way to change the future so we stop repeating our mistakes from the past. I hope this conversation is a part of that new future. Dating Hotline & AND, SWIPE RIGHT support Black Lives Matter. I hope you find yourself on this side of the conversation too. If you have any thoughts on what’s happening in America right now, I encourage you to join us as we create space to host this conversation. As always QT x AND, SWIPE RIGHT is every Thursday at 8 pm Central. Sign up on the AND, SWIPE RIGHT website under the Quarantined Together tab and I’ll shoot over the email with the Zoom invite.
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OK let’s talk about deciphering dating text messages. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - dating online means you are going to have a relationship with your phone, and now especially with all the lifestyle changes quarantine has brought, some people are more inclined to meet in-person than others. So what do you do if you’re chatting up someone who’s strict about their quarantine rules?
You have to really flex those texting skills but that can be tricky. What’s said in a text isn’t always received the way you intended and it can be extremely difficult to understand what the other person is meaning because there are so many hidden messages in texts. For example, the time in between replies - are they ignoring you, or are they just busy? They responded with 1 work and included a period at the end - “ok.” are they are upset with you or did they just literally mean “ok”? Or when you’re just getting to know each other and you don’t know the other person’s texting style...are they always on their phone or are they a morning and evening texter only? These kinds of questions create confusion and that can lead to making assumptions about the other person and that’s where the problems start. Dating is already difficult enough trying to read the other person's mind but when you have to do that through a phone it’s twice as hard. Today we’re analyzing some questions I’ve received about texting protocol.
I’ve been texting someone who’s a terrible texter and we've been talking for a month now. Other people (girls) would be like byeeee at this point and ghost him. I’m so confused on where we stand. What do I do?
This is a frequently asked question and it’s tricky to answer because I can’t read your mind nor can I read the person you’re texting mind. So all I have to go off of when I answer this is historical evidence. If the two of you have been talking for some time consistently and you’re enjoying each other's company when you hangout but the texting schedule is sporadic, then I suggest saying something to the other person so you can clear the air. Otherwise you’re left to fill in the blanks yourself and that’s the assuming part and that can get you in trouble. “Well I assumed you weren't into me….” but they were busy with personal things or “I’m assuming he’s just busy” and in reality he’s just not that into you - texting provides access to the other person at all times and we’ve developed this habit of expecting to reach the other person at all times. If they don’t respond they must be ignoring me...it’s a vicious cycle but with COVID we’ve all learned that we need balance in our day and that we can’t always be available for work. Use this same principle in your texting life. But that’s not what I’m here to talk about today. I’m talking about what you do when the other person texts you with enthusiasm and engagement but doesn't text regularly enough to feel like you two are building something….how do you know where you stand?
My suggestion is to ask the other person point-blank preferably in-person but that might not necessarily be possible now with COVID and well ya know, life so try sending a text that you’re comfortable with but use this template- “Hey, I really enjoy talking with you and hanging out but to be honest, I’m getting mixed signals from you. You respond to my texts but the time in between our texts creates confusion. I just want to know what’s going on and if this is worth my time.”
This is directly addressing your concerns and we’re all adults, the person receiving this text will recognize that you’re asking for clarification on interest. You’re not asking them if they like you or if they are committing to you - you are asking them IF their interest is still there. If they are texting you then there is definitely some interest but if you’re not feeling the interest is sustained - before you give up hope - bring it up in conversation and give the other person the opportunity to express their side. Most people will meet you halfway and say either “yes, you’re right I’m sure this has been confusing for you…” or they’ll be like “oh no I’m definitely still interested I’ve been distracted with work and things happening in my personal life…but that should come to an end after this presentation next week….” we are all human and we all have feelings. If we open up to each other and have honest conversations with each other the results will be worthwhile. You’ll either be pleasantly surprised by their response and feeling all the feels because you two just basically agreed that you are interested in each other OR you will know very clearly that this person is no longer interested and it’s time to go back to a dating app and match with some new people.
One of my female clients asked me about this and after I gave her the same advice I’m giving you today, here’s his response
“Hey, I’m glad you brought that up I do enjoy talking with you. I’m a terrible texter and while that's not an excuse I do want to see you again because I had fun on our date-I want to do it again this weekend. I’m sorry, I’ve probably sent very mixed signals and I will try to be better about that”
What did having this conversation do for her? it made her high-value. She pushed him for an answer because she wasn’t sure where they stood. After a month of texting and one date, his texts were so inconsistent coming in at all hours of the day with hours in between, she couldn’t read his feelings to know where they stood. I advised her to give him the benefit of the doubt until she asked the question. Most people are busy with a million things going on in their life so always give the other person the benefit of the doubt UNTIL you ask them the question that you are unsure about. But before you ask, prepare yourself for the response you get - it might not be the response you want.
In this case, she asked the question and she got the response she wanted. Once she did - in classic bad texting form - he took forever to respond to her but he did and came back with a couple of points
He appreciated that she brought that up to him
He told her that he liked talking with her and wanted to see her again
Apologized for being so distant and would try to improve his communication.
This gives her clarity into their budding romance without emotionally exposing herself and being vulnerable. All she did was ask if he’s in or if he’s out - definitely a high-value move because high-value women don’t sit around letting the man decide what’s happening in their relationship. She sets the tone. Plus since she asked a simple but direct question he was able to answer it without feeling like she attacked him, or like she was expecting something from him. This allowed them to bond over this hiccup and ultimately this was their first honest, honest conversation - a glimpse into seeing how they would problem solve as a couple and it definitely went well. Here’s to more honest conversations because they shine a light on the topics that bond and can affect real change.
Dating Hotline Question #2 -- How do I respond if I’m not sure what to say in a text back. Sometimes I read a text, not sure what I want to say, and then I put my phone down and forget to respond altogether.
This is a common texting faux pas that happens to all of us. And because it’s happened to me so many times, I’ve come up with a couple of different strategies for you to implement the next time you run into this situation.
First, you could take the nice girl route - and depending on how much you know this person, maybe this is the answer for your situation - if you’re just starting to get to know each other, having some culpability is good. However, just know that doing so you’re showing up as a nice girl - so weigh your options before you hit send on that message that includes the word “Sorry”. Ladies, I want you to be extra precious when you use the words “I’m sorry”. These two words are very powerful and can be used to excuse an action that sometimes isn’t your fault. When you start throwing them out casually, you are sending a message that you’re an accommodating persona and possibly a pushover. Yes - this what I mean when I say Nice Girl - if you’re not genuinely sorry about something, let it go. But if you’ve made a mistake that deserves reconciliation that’s when you use these powerful words. Missing a text message is rarely the case to apologize. Take the email strategy instead and THANK the other person for their patience. For example “thank you for your patience, I’m just getting back to checking my texts….” That keeps you high-value and on a level playing field. Apologizing for something that’s less worthy of an apology is starting to create an unworthy complex between the two of you and if this continues with you apologizing regularly, you’ll get walked all over down the road. Stay high value and turn your “sorry I’m just seeing this” text into “thanks for your patience, I’m just now getting a chance to get back to this text.”
Caveat - there’s nothing wrong with being “a nice girl” but when it comes to dating, the nice girl (and the nice guy for that matter) generally don’t stick around too long. The Betches said it best - Nice just a place in France. Unless you’re in Nice - don’t be nice, be high-value.
Another approach to this missed text is to pick the conversation back up with a new topic. Simply move forward and ask a completely different question taking the conversation to a new place. I’ve done this many times because sometimes I didn’t know how to respond to the question at the time and I forgot about it and it’s now the next day so answering that question now would be weird because we were in texting flow and now it just feels like picking up a dirty sock. Nah, I’m just gonna reach into my drawer and grab a new pair. So reach in your head and grab a new conversation and hit send. Sometimes, moving forward is the best option.
The caveat to this suggestion is if you simply ignore the question altogether and wait for him to start the conversation again - as in he beats you to the text which looks like a double text but really it’s been hours or even days in between - sends a very different message. You must beat him to the text otherwise the message you’re sending is COLD. Yes, it’s high-value, but it’s also icy because you are simply ignoring them. No one likes to be ignored but it happens and it especially happens in dating. This is how we weed out the people we don’t want to engage with. Those who ignore us lose their position in our rotation. So, if you’re not going to respond to the question he asks but you don’t want to lose your spot in the top 3 - respond before he does with a new conversation starter. Doesn’t matter what it is, just spark the conversation before he does. Pro Tip - this is the perfect opportunity to drop a meme, a song, a funny video, or a link to an article - sometimes multi-media can be better at starting a new conversation because you know me, you know I’m going to tell you NOT to start a new conversation with “hi. What’s up” Because like I’ve been telling you - that’s boring. Text with purpose and if you’re into this person you should have multiple things you can discuss, so hit them with a purposeful text or question - don’t just text out of boredom. Again, this is why memes, songs, videos, links to articles are handy.
The last option you have here - is if the conversation is flowing and you’re not sure how to answer the question that was posed but you want to keep the conversation going - correct the question that was asked and reword it into the question that you want to answer. Now I’ve talked about this before especially with regards to questions to ask during quarantine but I’ll discuss it again. Let’s say the question is “what are you doing today?” you can reword that into “the better question is what am I not doing today - going to the dentist. I strongly dislike the dentist”...The trick is to just flip the question into the opposite and then you are in control of what you want to share rather than at the mercy of what is being asked of you. Sometimes, we forget that we are empowered by saying no - this question politely shifts the focus of the conversation to something more along the lines of what you want to talk about. Another example which is one we say all the time but probably don’t think about that much is “what do you want to eat?” How often have you responded “well I don’t want to eat _____” It’s the same principle but in this instance when you’re using it with dating, you would add the second part to that response so it would be “ Well I know what I don’t want, Chinese food, I’m way too hungover to even think about making the trip to Chinatown.” Even though this second part doesn’t include a question, you’re providing more content for the other person to build a conversation around the information you shared. This is all about texting like you’re talking - we usually add more context than just answering the question when we talk in person - do that in your texts and your conversations will be much different.
Curves & Kisses
We are swerving around these curves & blowing kisses as we go
Our curve this week goes to -
Everyone who is arguing All Lives Matter. Don’t be insensitive, no one ever said your life doesn’t matter. We are saying black lives matter because black people are losing their lives to unnecessary deaths because of racism and unjust systemic practices.
And because you support Black Lives Matter, don’t expect to get a medal for your bravery. Support Black Lives Matter because you believe all people should be treated equally and for hundreds of years - even after the civil rights movement - black people have not been entitled to that same privilege white people receive every day.
And our Kiss this week goes to -
Everyone standing up and using their voices to support the black community. We believe that black lives matter and that they need all the support to help change the future. Using our voice, peaceful protesting, and speaking out against the systemic injustice that has been happening over the past 400 years shows just how important every human is in this world regardless of their race, their gender, or their religion. We are all coexisting but we can’t coexist in the midst of injustice and prejudicial actions. How many lives need to be tragically lost before we realize this is a problem.
There’s a show on Netflix - Dear White People - created and directed by Justin Simien. He’s actually one of my directors that I represent in my Advertising career - shout out to Bully Pictures. But he wrote and directed an episodic Netflix series titled - Dear White People - and I HIGHLY encourage you to check it out. Especially in the midst of this racial divide, there are so many moments that educated me on how my actions or my comments could be offensive to a person of color. It’s an entertaining light-hearted episodic show but it’s also a hugely educational cultural show. Now that we’re experiencing a major civil rights movement, it’s imperative that we learn and listen to how we white people can do better to end racism in this country.
I support Black Lives Matter and together we can do better.
Ok, that’s our show for this week - thank you for tuning in to Dating Hotline - presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - an online dating & relationship consultancy. This is your host Chloé Miller. Thank you to our music composer Andrew Langdon for our show music and to Nikolas Thorpe for composing our transition music. If there's something you want to talk about in the future episodes, there's a link in the show notes where you can submit your stories. Otherwise, you guys, DM me your dating questions, email me your thoughts, and please, please, please tell all of your friends to listen. Don’t forget to leave us a review - we want 5 stars! Dating Hotline releases new episodes every Wednesday at 11 am CENTRAL. Please subscribe and leave us a review on Apple Podcast and follow us on Spotify.
OUTRO