Ep 24: Social Intelligence

Dating Hotline, a podcast presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT

Dating Hotline

Ep. 24
Social Intelligence

SHOW NOTES

- DATING HOTLINE -
Ep 24: Social Intelligence

Host: Chloé Miller
Production: AND, SWIPE RIGHT INC.
Show Music: Andrew Langdon
Transition Music: Nikolas Thorpe

“ Minimal Arguing - this isn’t to say you shouldn’t be speaking your truth nor should you be participating in debates, but this is saying respect the other person's opinion and allow them space for their thinking. We may not all agree on the same things but arguing with someone to change their opinion will only leave a bad taste in the other person’s mouth. Make sure you allow them to share their thoughts, choose if you feel like you need to speak up and share your thoughts because sometimes reading the room and knowing your audience is more powerful than speaking your opinion. Respect is more important than being right. "

-Chloé Miller
Founder, & CEO of AND, SWIPE RIGHT

EPISODE DESCRIPTION

In the twenty-fourth episode of Dating Hotline presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - Chloé starts by explaining what is Social Intelligence and how it's so closely related to dating. Then she ties it all together with how you can improve your dating skills by improving your social intelligence. Plus, she answers two popular dating questions: 1. What is Social intelligence & how does it impact dating? 2. How can I improve my social intelligence and build attraction with dating? BONUS: How can I apply Social Intelligence to dating?

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TRANSCRIPT

Dating Hotline

Ep 24: Social Intelligence

Hi Dating Hotliners - Let’s talk about social intelligence. We all want to succeed when we date but if we’re not educating ourselves with the right type of information, our SI could be holding us back from showing up as our best self. That’s exactly what we’re going to walk through today. Ya ready? Let’s go.

SHOW MUSIC

What’s up you guys - it’s Chloé Miller your host and creator of Dating Hotline’s sponsor - AND, SWIPE RIGHT. Episodes 24 and every other episode of Dating Hotline is presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - an online dating & relationship consultancy. Through services like Dating & Relationship Coaching, private personal consulting appointments, Personal Styling services, creating engaging dating profiles, and the newest service, a monthly texting membership AND SWIPE RIGHT provides support throughout all stages of dating. AND, SWIPE RIGHT is setting a high-value standard in online dating by empowering single women and men with dating techniques.

Thank you for listening today and every week - Dating Hotline releases new episodes EVERY WEDNESDAY at 11 am Central Time. So go ahead and hit that subscribe button on Apple Podcast or Follow on Spotify that way you’ll automatically get our new episode every week. And you guys please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts. Your reviews help other people find Dating Hotline and then they listen to our show. Thank you for the 5-star rating! After you’ve left your review - send me a screenshot. I want to make sure to thank you appropriately. We post all of this information on the AND, SWIPE RIGHT website - Our show notes host links to the business & products we feature and other gems like our newsletter - check it out andswiperight.com

Also, I want to remind you as we are now in the second week of June, I’m still running a 25% off promotion on our private consulting appointments this month only. I’ve already had a handful of people sign up and some new clients too. Which is so exciting, I love meeting new people but you guys know how much I genuinely love helping people. It’s literally in my DNA so sign up for that private consultation and let’s get to work on improving those date skills and understanding how to navigate every dating situation like a pro! Book an appointment on the AND, SWIPE RIGHT website that’s andswiperight.com - you’ll see my prices reflecting this 25% discount. This is only good for June so tell me, what are you waiting for?

QT - as in QUARANTINED TOGETHER is happening again this week so sign up on the And Swipe Right website under the QT events tab and you’ll get the zoom invite sent directly to your email. I will see you guys manana with cocktails - get ready to laugh because I have some fun things planned for this week. Sign up on andswiperight.com under the QT Events tab.

You guys know me, you know I’m obsessed with learning new things and I always have a million things going on. Well, one of them is this Psychology course I signed up for on Study.com. First, this website is amazing, you can take one-off course, or you can actually obtain an entire degree and transfer it to a school...it’s phenomenal. Secondly, it’s all online and self-paced. Which is super handy because my free time is always at different times of the day. Third, they break it down into manageable pieces and each lesson is no more than 10 minutes with a 5 question quiz at the end. It’s well worth it and depending on what type of program you sign up for you pay per class or you pay a monthly subscription. I chose the monthly subscription because I needed that hard deadline to get it done in a month, I didn’t want to pay for a second month when this 15-hour course (which is the equivalent of a 3 semester hours) can easily be finished within a month. I’m a trained journalist, don't forget, I work well on deadlines. 

Today I want to talk about one of the lessons in the course. Social Intelligence - um haiiii this 100% dating but like in science terms. Rather than reiterate this 7-minute video and risk plagiarism, I’m pulling my favorite pieces from this and applying dating knowledge so that you can understand what social intelligence is and how raising your SI will make you better at dating. Some of this information comes from study.com’s Psychology 310 course - Psychology of Personalities.

Dating Hotline Question 1 - What is Social intelligence & how does it impact dating?

Social intelligence is how we navigate interaction with others. It involves every aspect of interpersonal communication, social rules, the impressions we make, and our ability to read a person's motivation, it is often called people skills or tact. We learn social intelligence through experience, observation, and most important reflection of our personal impact. Social dynamics, self-awareness, and situational awareness are major elements of building social intelligence. 

There are four aspects of social intelligence and they are

1 Communication skills - This includes an individual's ability to listen to the emotional context of what’s being shared, respond effectively and express their thoughts and emotions in a respectable manner

2 Social Roles & Rules -  The dos & don’ts of social interactions and situations. This comes with age, experience which is not necessarily correlated but also understanding the context of what’s appropriate in each different type of social situation - for example, professional situations, romantic situations, social situations, familial situations - they all require different social expectations and it’s expected that you know how to navigate each 

3 Understanding the Motivations of Others - In other words, reading between the lines. When someone says one thing but their actions are telling a different story, you are interpreting a different message than what they are conveying and sometimes it’s as simple as someone saying they are ok as they have tears rolling down their face. Clearly, something’s up.

4 Impression Management - This is the ability to read your audience as you’re making your impression, or surveying the crowd in real-time. Making sure your jokes are landing or knowing exactly where to draw the line on a dirty joke, or knowing what’s appropriate in this crowd and what topics shouldn’t be brought up. This can also be measured in our appearance and how we present ourselves. Are you confident and comfortable with what you’re wearing or are you nervous and wearing a questionable outfit for the environment...things to consider when thinking about social intelligence?  

Ok, quick quiz - Which aspect of social intelligence would be MOST important at a first date?

  1. Communication skills

  2. Social roles & rules

  3. Understanding motives and others

  4. Impression management

I’ll give you a minute to think that through……………………………...3 seconds……….. Ok, do you have your answer?

If you chose D impression management you’d be right. On a first date, you’re trying to make the best first impression requiring excellent skills in impression management. In other words, the first date is when we really want to impress the other person and that comes off through self-awareness and showing up authentically. Yes, they all play a role in how we can get the other person to swoon but impression management is key - we want to nail our first impression. My dad has this saying, you seldom get a second chance to make a first impression and yeah, it’s crazy how true that is and how on target his sayings are. 

Dating Hotline Question #2 - How can I improve my social intelligence and build attraction with dating?

The easiest way to improve a skill is to pay attention to what society measures as success and observe people who are good at that. So by that standard, What are signs of good social intelligence?

There are 4 areas to measure social intelligence - 1 Effective listening - when a person who is participating in the conversation listens and hears every word that the other person speaks and acknowledges their point when they finish their sentence. In other words, someone who doesn't just wait for you to stop talking so they can start speaking again as if they didn’t even care to hear what you had to say. 2 - Conversational skills - This is someone who has the ability to create organic flowing conversations with anyone, sometimes these people are they are the type of people who “always have a story up their sleeve that gets the group to engage or laugh, other times this is someone who communicates effectively and with the eloquence that you can’t take your eyes off them once they start speaking. This is a presentation skill but it’s also a skill that showcases how you connect with the people around you. People with conversational skills can strike up a conversation with anyone in the room and walk away with at least 5 new friends. How do they do it? They employ tact in their conversations mixed with a bit of humor and sincere conversations that allow them to progress to deep meaningful conversations that provide meaningful insight. 3 - Reputation management - this is pretty self-explanatory, people who are aware of their impact on others and ensuring they are positive while also remaining authentic to themself.  In other words, be true to who you are. People can spot a fake from a mile away and if your good reputation precedes yourself - then you’re in luck. We all know how difficult it is to turn a negative reputation around - be conscientious about what you put out into the universe, it has an interesting way of making its way back to you. And lastly 4- Minimal Arguing - this isn’t to say you shouldn’t be speaking your truth nor should you be participating in debates, but this is saying respect the other person's opinion and allow them space for their thinking. We may not all agree on the same things but arguing with someone to change their opinion will only leave a bad taste in the other person’s mouth. Make sure you allow them to share their thoughts, choose if you feel like you need to speak up and share your thoughts because sometimes reading the room and knowing your audience is more powerful than speaking your opinion. Respect is more important than being right. 

Once we understand the common measurements for social intelligence we next have to ask, how do we improve social intelligence? 

First, observe those around you who you feel are successful in social situations. Learning through observation is sometimes the best way to see what works and what doesn’t. Since it’s hard to replicate a social situation but observing how other successfully or unsuccessfully handled situations can be more helpful than reading a book or listening to someone explain a situation to you - so the next time you’re out with people and you see that one person who is just so socially successful, pay attention to what he/she does and see how they effortlessly flow through whatever is thrown their way. Another way is to build and increase your emotional intelligence. Social intelligence and emotional intelligence go hand in hand as they are both employed in all situations - you must have EQ to have SI. In other words, expressing emotions - emotional intelligence - helps you navigate your social interactions, and based on the response you get, you’ll know if it was right or wrong. They are the left hand and the right hand to each person, you need both. You can live without one but you truly have to overcompensate for the other if you don’t have both. Plus having EQ will help you manage negative emotions like frustrations and anger in public settings which ultimately will keep your reputation intact. No one likes the person who makes a scene in public unless you're on a reality tv show and we all know that’s unnecessary drama. Cultural differences - HELLOOO this couldn’t be more important today than ever before - especially with the Black Lives Matter movement, we need to recognize that we are not all living the same life and that our cultures have differences and it’s important to listen and learn about other cultures so that we don’t create a “them vs us” cultural divide. Many social skills are taught through families and personal experiences, some people have been exposed to more social situations than others, before jumping to judgment. Take a moment to think about where that person is coming from and you can approach the conversation from a place of mediation rather than confrontation. Active listening and appreciating the important people in your life are the last two suggestions I have to leave with you. When you take time to listen to someone's entire thought without interrupting them or cutting them off to share your thoughts you are allowing them the opportunity to share their opinion and that respect shows appreciation for that person. There’s nothing more frustrating than talking to someone who literally is waiting for you to finish your sentence so they can take the conversation back and talk about what they want to talk about and didn't even acknowledge what you just said. This is a dominating conversation tactic and while it can seem like it’s a strong communication tool, it’s actually a controlling tool and it leaves everyone feeling uncomfortable and sometimes even bored because there’s only always one person talking about what they want to talk about, no one can ever get another word in edgewise. Showing appreciation and gratitude for the important people in your life will help you tune-in to the people’s emotions building empathy and compassion for those around you allowing you to connect on deeper levels.

Lastly, how can I apply Social Intelligence to dating?

Guys, if you apply active listening with conversational skills you will not only look like a charming catch, you will be sweeping her off her feet with a fun conversation and she will come home thinking, that was a really great date, I can’t wait to see him again. These skills are exactly what women are referring to when they talk about how smooth and suave that guy is - he just knows how to handle himself around women that make them fall in love with him. It’s easy once you recognize the formula and the best part is you can practice active listening and conversational skills in every aspect of your life - not only in dating. If you practice with your family, friends, and work colleges, you can see your social skills will start to improve, your social world will expand, and all of a sudden your dating life will start to become more natural and a lot less stressful. You can actually relax into dating and I’m especially talking about first dates. Guys, If you are a great conversationalist who knows how to make the other person feel heard, and understood, in other words, you know how to make this person feel special. You are - through conversation - showing them that they matter and what they have to say is important. This is more than half the battle with dating. So many men (and maybe women too) don’t spend time actually listening to the person they are on the date with, they are more focused on showing up and presenting themself appropriately that they can get swept up in their own stories and not realize that they’ve been talking nonstop for the past 30 minutes. Active listening shows you care and as I said, if many other people are not doing that then you are already getting big tally marks in the PRO column of the date review.

And ladies, we by nature tend to be agreeable but I’ve been encouraging you as high-value women to have an opinion. Don’t just go along to get along, roll with some of the curves but don’t lose yourself along the way. This is NOT me advising you to be argumentative. There’s a big difference between putting your foot down and being argumentative. 

For example, one time I was on a first date with a guy who was a bit narcissistic and he had a couple of other red flags including angling for a weakness from the moment he met me, and after he tried multiple strategies and didn’t succeed he went in for the only strategy left - personal value. In other words, this guy and I were flirting all night and having a fun time together and I saw each of his conversational attempts to find the upper hand and when I met him and went toe to toe with him on each one he had to step up to the next level and try a subtle personal attack. Let me explain to you the situation before I’ll tell you why this is subtle.

We were sitting at a table having drinks and dinner and while we were chatting about ourselves and flirting and leaning in and touching each other - breaking that invisible physical touch barrier he started getting really personal with his questions. Knowing that I’m in control of what I share on my dates and in my conversations, I indulged and I said ok let’s see where this goes. A couple of questions later he asked - mind you this is a first date - what’s the longest relationship you’ve ever been in? I responded with a short flippant response and pushed it back on him. He answered my question but came back asking for more with my non-descriptive response, he wanted a number. I first told him, “oh it was a handful of years but it was some time ago. Why? What’s the longest relationship you’ve ever been in?” To which he responded I was in a 2-year long relationship that ended last year. But wait no tell me how long was yours?” So I said, “oh it was long but it’s not important”. He said, “no tell me how long” so I finally answered 7 years, we were together for 7 years.” and that’s when he said “you were together for 7 years and you broke up with him? You bitch!”

Now, why would I say someone who called me a bitch on the first date was a subtle personal attack? Because it wasn’t about the accusation of the comment he tested the waters to see if how I responded to being called a derogatory term. In other words, this a psychological test to find a weakness or to see where my own self-worth or self-esteem was, and depending on my reaction he may have found a weakness to prey upon. As I just explained, I pushed back immediately and changed my tone when I responded. We went from fun, playful, and flirty to, short, stern, and powerful. I immediately changed my body language from leaning into him to sitting back in my chair, I crossed my legs and even pushed myself away from the table a bit. Everything about me disliked that moment but instead of picking a fight with him and name-calling him back, I just drew a very clear line in the sand and said “don’t ever call me that again. You have no right to speak on this topic and you better stop that name-calling right now.” Do you see how this was subtle? It wasn’t about the surface value of him saying “you bitch” it was more about him trying to see how I would respond to something like that and if my sense of self-worth was low enough for me to let that slide. In the past, when I had lower self-esteem I might have been shocked in the moment,  laughed and let it go with a gasp and then a smile as in wait did that really happen? But I like this guy giving me attention, it’s ok. That’s the cool girl move and so far from the high-value move. But not today. I immediately drew the line and showed him with my response and my body language that he crossed a line and noticed right away. He was socially intelligent and his career is a people-oriented position so he knew what he was doing and he was using the same strategies he uses in his career to get people to like him, on me, on this date. But this playful jab was anything but playful. He was measuring my sense of self-worth. Ladies, when you get to expert level social intelligence you start to recognize these “tests” in real-time. I chose NOT to be argumentative because I knew losing my cool in that moment would be a reaction that shows immaturity in social etiquette and social intelligence, so by choosing to firmly establish my boundaries I addressed the issue, I drew a line in the sand and kept my high-value, composure under pressure status. I know this drove him crazy because he wanted to see me lose my cool over something, I told you the whole date he tried multiple different angles and I just showed up to play offense but he was not expecting to play defense. 

When you learn social intelligence, you can see through the games people play, and more importantly, you can see manipulation is at play and you can avoid falling victim to someone else’s master plan. Stay in your own lane, keep your composure and pick your battles but don’t ever let someone challenge your worth and miss your opportunity to defend yourself. Speak up and speak your truth.

Curves & Kisses -

We are swerving around these curves and blowing kisses as we go

Our CURVE this week goes to - the cancelation of Chicago summer. It’s official Lollapalooza is canceled - and to be honest, who didn’t see that coming with social distancing being nearly impossible with the idea of a music festival but between no playpen, no lollapalooza, no street festivals, and no open beaches, what do we have to do here in Chicago this summer? It’s time to get in the car and live out those cross-country road trip dreams. Bring your laptop and drive all across America to see all the places you wanted to see but never had the time to. Chicago is still an amazing city but this year, things are a bit different so start checking off those bucket list items and plan some road trips with friends. If you’re really bold - plan a date trip that’s a road trip with your summer fling, and then tell me all about it because I am 100% in support of date trips, always. They can make or break relationships but either way, they will be fun.

And this week’s KISS is for Pete Davidson’s new film The King of Staten Island dropping on-demand everywhere this Friday. I was never really a big fan of Pete Davidson until watching his recent stand up special on Netflix but after that, I was like oh ok yeah you’re funny. Check out the trailer, I’ll post it on our show notes hosted on the AND, SWIPE RIGHT website the film drops on Friday and if you’re interested DM me and we’ll watch it together, ya know virtually. Or we could just go back to life before Corona and you could come over to my place and watch a movie together, IRL. It's like a date but like not really but like totally...so take me up on it and slide into my DMs.

Ok, that’s our show for this week - thank you for tuning in to Dating Hotline - presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - an online dating & relationship consultancy. This is your host Chloé Miller. Thank you to our music composer Andrew Langdon for our show music and to Nikolas Thorpe for composing our transition music. If there's something you want to talk about in the future episodes, there's a link in the show notes where you can submit your stories. Otherwise, you guys, DM me your dating questions, email me your thoughts, and please, please, please tell all of your friends to listen. Don’t forget to leave us a review - we want 5 stars! Dating Hotline releases new episodes every Wednesday at 11 am CENTRAL. Please subscribe and leave us a review on Apple Podcast and follow us on Spotify. 

OUTRO

 
Chloé Miller, MA, LPC, MFTCAND, SWIPE RIGHTComment