Ep 28: Best Friend Moves

Dating Hotline, a podcast presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT

Dating Hotline

Ep. 28
Best Friend Moves

SHOW NOTES

- DATING HOTLINE -
Ep 28: Best Friend Moves

Host: Chloé Miller
Production: AND, SWIPE RIGHT INC.
Show Music: Andrew Langdon
Transition Music: Nikolas Thorpe

“The point here is to be her HYPE WOMAN. She just lost her man who was giving her all of this attention and complimenting her in a way that spoke to her and it resonated. You, as her best friend now need to step up to the plate and remind her how amazing she is by herself and stand in as her #1 cheerleader."

-Chloé Miller
Founder, & CEO of AND, SWIPE RIGHT

 

EPISODE DESCRIPTION

In the twenty-eighth episode of Dating Hotline presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - Chloé shares advice on what role a best friend plays in your love life - as in how involved and just how supportive they should be. Plus, she answers two popular dating questions: Question #1: My best friend is going through a breakup, what do I do and how do I help her? Question #2: My best friend is falling for a guy who isn’t serious about her - what do I do?

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TRANSCRIPT

Dating Hotline
Ep 28 - Best Friend Moves

Hi Dating Hotliners - we turn to our friends for everything, when we get good news and when we get bad news, when we see our crush and again when we find out they are already married. But we also turn to our best friends when we are going through difficult times. Most of us have learned our best friend duties from experience but today we’re going to talk about universal & unwritten rules of your best friend with regards to your dating life. Ya ready? Let’s go.

Show Music 

What’s up you guys? How’s it going? Welcome to the 28th episode of Dating Hotline, this is your host, Chloé Miller.  Dating Hotline is presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - an online dating & relationship consultancy. Through services like Dating & Relationship Coaching, private consulting appointments, Personal Styling services, dating profile creative services, and a monthly texting membership AND SWIPE RIGHT provides support throughout all stages of dating. AND, SWIPE RIGHT is setting a high-value standard in online dating by empowering single women and men with dating techniques.

Thank you for listening today and every week - Dating Hotline releases new episodes EVERY WEDNESDAY at 11 am Central Time. So go ahead and hit that subscribe button on Apple Podcast or Follow on Spotify that way you’ll automatically get our new episode every week. And you guys please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts. Your reviews help other people find Dating Hotline and then they listen to our show. Thank you for the 5-star rating! After you’ve left your review - send me a screenshot. I want to make sure to thank you appropriately. We post all of this information on the AND, SWIPE RIGHT website - Our show notes host links to the business & products we feature and other gems like our newsletter - check it out andswiperight.com

I am still hosting weekly events - Quarantined Together - and this week it’s on. Sign up on the AND, SWIPE RIGHT website, and keep an eye out for the email invite headed for your inbox on Thursday. The past couple weeks we’ve been shuffling through comedy and sharing our favorite bits from our favorite comedians. It was so fun, plus it introduced me to new Netflix stand up specials that have definitely been worth the viewing. This week we’ve got a new theme so sign up and join us on Thursday at 8 pm Central.

Speaking of friends - that’s what today’s episode is all about - what are your friendship responsibilities when it comes to your best friend’s love life. Do you get involved? Are you completely hands-off? Do you scroll through their hinge matches with them? Are you screenshotting and sharing your conversations? Everyone talks about the bad dates and the bad relationships but we rarely open up about heartbreak and when we’re struggling it can hard to find the courage to seek help from others during that time. But that is the most important time to lean on your friends - they are there to support yours through your best days and your hard days. So let’s discuss 

Dating Hotline Question #1: My best friend is going through a breakup, what do I do and how do I help her?

Breakups are the worst, and especially during this COVID pandemic - this was her COVID boyfriend, but now that they are broken up she needs to go out into the COVID wild and pick a new clean boyfriend. It’s honestly MUCH more daunting than the single life was pre-COVID. If your best friend is experiencing a break up it’s your responsibility to first figure out what side of the break up she’s on - that will dictate how you handle the situation going forward. Think of this as a flow chart - if option A turns right if option B turn left….unfortunately, the two don’t end up converging but they do lead you back to the same location - happily single. 

Step 1 - figure out what side of the break up she’s on. This is best determined by your ability to be her friend. Think about the recent conversations you’ve had with her about this guy. Was she head over heels for this guy talking about how amazing he is and how happy she is with him and how they are making future plans. Of is she talking about how annoyed she is with him, how distant they’ve become, and how their relationship just feels like going through the motions at this point. These are two different perspectives but they are so telling about how you should handle this breakup for your best friend. The second option implies somethings not working between them and whether she or he is noticing the spark is starting to fizzle as the relationship might have already run its course. The first option is a breakup that she didn’t see coming. These are generally more painful because there’s the added element of personal rejection along with the heartache. If you’re dealing with a situation like the first option - where your friend didn’t expect to get broken up with, then you need to step up the emotional support more so than you would if she broke up with him. 

Step 2 - Distract her with her passions. Encourage her to get back into what she loves - sign up for online courses, do a workout class with her so she remembers how much of a BOSS she is and that she doesn’t need a man to measure her worth or worse, dictate her happiness, and then lastly keep in touch with her regularly. I’m sure you are already talking all day long across multiple different communication styles but make sure you stay in touch with her and ask her direct questions about her mental health. It’s easy to just brush past traumatic and heartbreaking events because you want to move on and move forward with your life but it’s oh so important to find the support and assistance necessary to process these painful days so that she is reminded that she’s not alone. 

Step 3 - Show her how easy it is to fall back in love with herself, as her best friend you want to remind her of her own personal power and her ability to find joy and happiness in everything she does. As she shifts her energy over to the healing side of her breakup she will be releasing the breakup energy and moving closer to the “newly single” energy and there is NOTHING more attractive than the newly single “or fresh off a break up” energy. It’s like a magic spell has everyone turning to see who just walked in the door. Everyone wants you and everyone wants to talk to you, remind her of the power this energy brings, and that she now has it and it’s time to step into owning this power.

The point here is to be her HYPE WOMAN. She just lost her man who was giving her all of this attention and complimenting her in a way that spoke to her and it resonated. You, as her best friend now need to step up to the plate and remind her how amazing she is by herself and stand in as her #1 cheerleader. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not asking you to bend over backward and go out of your way to hype this woman, I’m simply asking you to pay extra attention to how she’s managing her emotions through this breakup. Don’t underestimate the perfect pep text one random Monday morning, it could be all the support she needs to remind her how lucky she is to have a friend that cares as much as you do. In our darkest days is when we see who’s really there for us, don’t abandon each other and especially during a time of need. 

Remind your girl how she can fall back in love with herself by creating something that won't walk out on her. Breakup energy is the perfect type of energy to build something new- start a passion project or a side hustle. Channeling this energy into a project can be extremely rewarding and fulfilling. There’s poetry in building and when you start to conceptualize your idea you are empowering yourself with newfound confidence. 

Also, music is sometimes the perfect emotional soother - we’ve created a playlist on Spotify that you can subscribe to that is curated specifically with break up songs that soothe. Search for AND, SWIPE RIGHT on Spotify and you’ll see our playlist collection. Specifically, we’re talking about the “Healing From Heartbreak” playlist but feel free to drop into any of the playlists we have in that bunch. They are designed with you and your date needs in mind. 

Dating Hotline Question #2: My best friend is falling for a guy who isn’t serious about her - what do I do?

This is such a tough spot to be in and as a friend you have the obligation to look out for your girl and let her know when she’s being played but also you want her to go out and have fun with him because heaven forbid she get the impression that you’re not supporting this relationship - even if you see the red flags you must show loyalty and share in her happiness. So where and how do you express your truth to her that this relationship may be one-sided. 

First things first - you HAVE to tell her that things are not how she thinks, you have to express your concern. Staying silent in these situations is the wrong move - you have to pick sides and choose early. Now your best friend isn’t going to be pleased with this information you are sharing but remember it’s the right thing to do. Now the fastest way to creating a fight between you two is to poorly deliver your message. So many times we shoot the messenger instead of the culprit. So I definitely advise thinking through your delivery before blurting this out off the cuff. There’s value in preparing your statement and thinking about how you would want this information shared with you if the situation was reversed. 

How do I tell her?

You guys know I’m a big fan of short and sweet, but this isn’t exactly the best approach. You want to have an honest conversation with her and ladies you need to change your strategy when you’re talking to other women. Men - be direct and to the point, but when you’re speaking with another woman, you want to set the table and create the space in your conversation for this talk. Be her friend, share your perspective from a compassionate place, show her you support her and show her how you care but also want to look out for her best interests. Then, when it’s time to bring him up in the conversation, don't spend too much time talking about him. Make your cases in 1-3 sentences and then move back to supportive remarks. You are, in essence, creating an oreo of supportive conversation. Make each cookie something supportive so she sees you’re on her side, but the filling is where you’re going to have to tell her the truth - stick to the cold hard facts and don’t add in your own opinion. Wait until you’re asked for your opinion because she will ask you, then you can share your thoroughly analyzed response of “if he wanted you, he could have you in a heartbeat but if he’s playing games then baby girl you know he's not that into this.” Remember the tried and true saying “a woman knows when he’s into her, and if you’re not sure then he’s definitely playing games with you.” Guys play games for a couple of reasons but they don’t with the girl they actually want to date. Don’t get me wrong - playful banter is not to be confused with games - the banter is flirting and it’s conversational, but games,  games are behavioral and it’s intended to send a message - like playing hot and cold. Don’t get caught up in a game, people think they are so clever with games and that they have the upper hand - and honestly some people do but those are not the people you want to be dating. You want someone who will open up emotionally and share their hopes and dreams and most importantly, their vulnerabilities so you can build a connection and a relationship on worthy grounds. Without the emotional connection, you have a hookup buddy and if your relationships continue to fizzle out before you become officially boyfriend and girlfriend, then it’s your obligation as the best friend to illuminate to her that she’s creating a relationship pattern and that there are different strategies she could use when she’s dating for different relationship outcomes. 

Don’t forget - best friends - you are the first person they call when they need help and your advice is sometimes the only advice they will get - make sure you’re sharing quality advice and make sure she knows you have her best interest as your priority. That way you two will remain friends no matter how many boys come in and out of the picture - your friendship is the constant. The delivery of this message can make or break your friendships - don’t underestimate the value of properly analyzing the stakes at important conversations, employing different delivery strategies appropriate to the audience will gain you favor with the person sitting on the other side of this conversation. Focus on the desired outcome and problem solve how a conversation could produce that result. This will create a blueprint of how you should deliver your message. And if you still need help - make a personal consulting appointment with me on the AND, SWIPE RIGHT website.

Curves & kisses 

We are swerving around these curves and blowing kisses as we go

Curve - 

Nick Cordero, my heart breaks for that family and the long battle he had with COVID-19. 95 days in ICU, an amputated leg, and then needing a double lung transplant because of the complications from COVID-19. That man fought long and hard and his wife, Amanda Kloots fought just as hard as he did to stay positive and upbeat for their 1-year-old son named Elvis. Nick lost his battle to COVID on July 5th and I can’t stop thinking about him & his family. I’m heartbroken to hear the tragic ending of this story as this was a long, and hard-fought battle that everyone wanted to see end with a movie ending but that’s just not the case. What I’ve learned most from this tragic loss, is the simple reminder to stay present and live every day with the energy of today, there’s a popular Reiki quote that starts with “Just for today…..” and I want to leave that with you because I think we need to remember that life is happening right now in front of our eyes, we are so blessed to be alive, healthy, and making our way through this journey. Who cares if you’re not as far down the “expected path” as the next person, who cares if you tried something and you’re now in a rebuilding phase, who cares about the details. The fact that you’re alive today in this moment makes this special. Remember to ground yourself and find your positive moments throughout your day to appreciate the gift of life. Whenever I find myself pleasantly content - usually when I’m doing something mundane, like going for a drive down lakeshore, or spending time with my family, or visiting my best friend - I take a moment to construct a memory that reminds me of how happy I am in that movement. I stop and focus on myself for a moment and then I say “In this moment, life is perfect” and I let it go with a smile. This grounds me reminds me not to live in the future, and I deeply appreciate everything that goes into that moment of perfection.

Everything can change in an instant and you can wish and want as hard as you want for a moment to come back, but it never will. Enjoy it while it’s happening not when it’s in your past. Besides, the future can wait, it will be here before we know it but the gift is the present and it’s so easy to overlook that. Today, I want you to answer this quote “Just for today I’m going to be _________ and finish that sentence with your intention - just for today I’m going to the patient, I’m going to be extra cautious, or even just for today I’m going to be happy.”  And then, once you have your intention figured out, then I want you to find your “in this moment life is perfect” moment and create your happy memory. Do this for yourself but do this also for everyone who has lost their life to COVID. Life changes before our eyes, we must appreciate it while we still have it. 

Nick Cordero recorded a song back in 2018 that Amanda used as a supportive anthem. She organized a daily Instagram effort where everyone played Nick’s song and sent him positive energy. There’s no doubt in my mind that he hung around as long as he did because of this loving energy. Look it up on Spotify - Live Your Life by Nick Cordero and listen to it. It sounds like this man knew what was important and he delivered his message, his time here on earth came to an abrupt end but not before he left his positive mark on this world.

Kiss -

Too Hot To Handle - this is a relatively new dating show for Netflix - it came out in May - and it’s not as good as Love Is Blind but it’s got it’s own charm because I love reality tv shows based around love - The Bachelor aside I get sucked into these shows all the time and honestly it’s my guilty pleasure. I don’t know if I like watching it for the shock value or for the pure entertainment but either way you can trust me to give an honest review of these types of shows. So today’s KISS goes to the Netflix show - Too Hot To Handle. The premise is like any other reality love show - trap single people on an island, provide some alcohol, and let the hormones take center stage and of course, there’s prize money at the end. But there’s a twist - NO ONE is allowed to engage in any physical activity with someone else - or else they will be fined and ultimately will lose a portion of their prize money. You find out through the show each offense is priced differently - fair warning it’s pretty reality tv but this is the sort of stuff that reminds me why I started Dating Hotline. So, check it out if you’re looking for some background noise or if you’re looking for a new tv to binge - it’s a typical reality tv show but it is OH.SO.GOOD. to be reminded that you’re a lot further along in your relationship journey than some of these people. Life is not a race but it is sometimes satisfying knowing that you’re beyond some of these young relationship challenges. 

Ok, that’s our show for this week - thank you for tuning in to Dating Hotline - presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - an online dating & relationship consultancy. This is your host Chloé Miller. Thank you to our music composer Andrew Langdon for our show music and to Nikolas Thorpe for composing our transition music. If there's something you want to talk about in the future episodes, there's a link in the show notes where you can submit your stories. Otherwise, you guys, DM me your dating questions, email me your thoughts, and please, please, please tell all of your friends to listen. Dating Hotline releases new episodes every Wednesday at 11 am CENTRAL. Please subscribe and leave us a review on Apple Podcast - we want 5 stars - and follow us on Spotify. 

Outro

 
Chloé Miller, MA, LPC, MFTCAND, SWIPE RIGHT1 Comment