Ep 29: Breakups & Social Media
Dating Hotline, a podcast presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT
Dating Hotline
Ep. 29
Breakups & Social Media
SHOW NOTES
- DATING HOTLINE -
Ep 29: Breakups & Social Media
Host: Chloé Miller
Production: AND, SWIPE RIGHT INC.
Show Music: Andrew Langdon
Transition Music: Nikolas Thorpe
“When you finish crying over your breakup what’s the first thing everyone does - ok no I’m actually not talking about getting on a dating app - so maybe it's the second thing but ok then fine, what’s the second thing everyone does - they start scrolling through social media. Yes and this is a dangerous move because you are so raw with emotions you could be resentfully liking pictures, or you could be hate scrolling, or worse, commenting with emotionally charged feelings. The point is there’s etiquette for how to use social media when you’re fresh off a breakup and those unwritten rules are what we are going to discuss today."
-Chloé Miller
Founder, & CEO of AND, SWIPE RIGHT
EPISODE DESCRIPTION
In the twenty-ninth episode of Dating Hotline presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - Chloé covers the unwritten rules for social media etiquette after a breakup. Plus, she answers two popular dating questions: Dating Hotline Question # 1: What do I do with my social media if I’m going through a breakup? Dating Hotline Question #2: How do I use social media to move on?
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TRANSCRIPT
Dating Hotline Podcast
Ep 29: Breakups & Social Media
Hi Dating Hotliners - When you finish crying over your breakup what’s the first thing everyone does - ok no I’m actually not talking about getting on a dating app - so maybe it's the second thing but ok then fine, what’s the second thing everyone does - they start scrolling through social media. Yes and this is a dangerous move because you are sOrder your AND, SWIPE RIGHT hat hereo raw with emotions you could be resentfully liking pictures, or you could be hate scrolling, or worse, commenting with emotionally charged feelings. The point is there’s etiquette for how to use social media when you’re fresh off a breakup and those unwritten rules are what we are going to discuss today.
Ya ready? Let’s go.
Show Music
What’s up you guys - it’s your girl and your host of Dating Hotline - Chloé Miller. This episode - episode 29 - and every episode is presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT a dating & relationship consultancy. Through services like Dating & Relationship Coaching, private consulting appointments, Personal Styling services, dating profile creative services, and a monthly texting membership AND, SWIPE RIGHT provides support throughout all stages of dating. AND, SWIPE RIGHT is setting a high-value standard in online dating by empowering single women and men with dating techniques
Dating Hotline releases new episodes EVERY WEDNESDAY at 11 am Central Time, Thank you for listening today and every week. And while you’re at it go ahead and hit that subscribe button on Apple Podcast or Follow on Spotify this way you’ll automatically get our new episode every week. And please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts! You guys know the drill - Your reviews help other people find Dating Hotline and then they listen to our show and more people show up with higher value dating raising the online dating experience. You know how the domino effect works and this time we’re using good techniques to positively influence society. Thank you thank you for the 5-star rating! You know that makes my heart so happy. We post all of this information on the AND, SWIPE RIGHT website - Our show notes host links to the business & products we feature and other gems like our newsletter - check it out andswiperight.com
You guys, I have some big news to share with you. I am taking my dating life to a new city and I’m taking AND, SWIPE RIGHT & Dating Hotline on the road. Yes, I am moving to Boulder, CO and I will be looking for all those good looking mountain men. Well, that’s not the only reason I’m moving to CO, I’m also starting my Master’s program in the fall and majority of my classes will be delivered in-person on campus so come August, I’ll be saying goodbye to Chicago and hello to 300 days of sun in Colorado. I found this school after doing thorough research on Mindfulness-based Transpersonal Counseling and I got into the number one school in the country. In other words, this counseling program is a stepping stone towards becoming a licensed therapist so that I can provide more well-rounded services through AND, SWIPE RIGHT. I have big plans for expansion through AND, SWIPE RIGHT but first I need to further my education and training so that I can ensure I’m preparing you with the best advice for all situations. My dating advice is intuitive but transpersonal counseling services (aka therapy with a spiritual aspect) require professional training and that’s exactly what I’m doing at Naropa University. Also, after I get my therapist license, I can then work with your insurance company and save you some change that you can put towards your dating life. Guys, don’t worry - I gotchu and this training will benefit you.
To be clear, I’m not closing down my Chicago office, but rather I am opening a second location serving the Boulder/Denver area.
AND, SWIPE RIGHT will now have two locations - Chicago, IL and Boulder, CO. I am still working full-time and working with clients throughout this transition and building phase so the clients I work with going forward will get the immediate benefits of what I’m learning in my classes. I’m excited about this - but honestly, I’m also very nervous about this reinvention. I say I like change but it feels like I’ve been pretty comfortable without it for some time so this reinvention is exciting but also nerve-racking. I’m waking up with FOMO of missed opportunities to see my Chicago friends...so if you’re in Chicago and you want to get together before I leave, DM me. Or if you know anyone in Boulder who you think I’d be friends with - I’d love to meet them. I’m moving to school so I know I’ll meet people that way but moving through COVID has increased my anxiety when it comes to meeting new people. I’ll keep it real you guys, you know I’ll share the good and the bad with you.
But in the meantime - QT will still be happening every Thursday so join us for some fun weekly Happy Hour events. This week we have a guest host and some fun trivia questions! Also, if you are thinking you need some new dating profile pictures - THIS IS YOUR LAST MONTH to make your appointment where I can take your pictures myself. After July, you will have to book your photography session on a weekend I’m back in the Chicago office. I’m not exactly sure what this is going to look like right at this moment but we’ll work through these changes and I’ll find a solution. This is very exciting for me and very intimidating, but it’s the fear that is reminding me that this is the right move. If I wasn’t afraid this challenge wouldn’t be big enough for me to grow into the person I’m supposed to become and secondly I wouldn’t be bettering myself to then in return help you better yourself. Thank you for your support for AND, SWIPE RIGHT, and Dating Hotline - I’m excited to bring you along into this next chapter.
Ok so let’s talk about how to use social media right after a breakup. Don’t go in hot and start following half-naked girls and practically naked men - I mean if this is your thing go for it but don’t forget people can see who you followed and who you started following recently...don’t be so thirsty. it’s really unattractive. This does not apply to Hot Dudes Reading - that account is definitely worth the follow. But just like you wouldn’t turn to Facebook to journal out all of your feelings (thank god we are past that point in social media history) give yourself some space before you teenage with the social media community. Allow yourself time to process and find your feet after your breakup and then once you have, start posting the hottest pictures you’ve ever taken. How else are you going to win the breakup?!
Dating Hotline Question # 1: What do I do with my social media if I’m going through a breakup?
Ok, so this a great question and honestly I wish I had a person tell me to do this when I broke up with my ex because our lives were so intertwined it was like untangling a necklace knot like you can’t give up cuz these are your favorite necklaces but you need to separate these strands. Yes, your necklace detangling can take hours or even days, but untangling a relationship can take days, weeks, months, or even in some cases - depending on serious you were - even years. The untangling of my major break up took a couple of weeks and then some of the bigger stuff took months and that eventually turned into a year. I’m telling you guys - these things take time to untangle if you’ve been building your life with someone. Be patient with the process BUT in the meantime - this is how you cut them off once the relationship ends.
First, remove your ex from every social media platform you use, you do not need to be seeing his updates nor do you need the reminder of the person you are trying to get over. Next, make your page private, if you cut him off make it very clever that he doesn’t get access to you anymore and that includes keeping tabs on your life via social media. Don’t skip this next step, remove all friends you met through your ex - they may be wonderful people but there is no future friendship with these people. You met them through your ex and in most cases, they will choose him over you in the breakup out of loyalty. Breakups are not only hard for the people going through them but also for their friends & families. But you have to give yourself a clean cut off otherwise a part of you will always remain in the past. Clear your slate for a new beginning. And lastly, take down every post of the two of you together. That life is over and it’s not a good idea to keep ex-boyfriends on your social media profiles. Keep some information for that personal conversation that happens on date 7 or 8 over a nice bottle of wine and fancy Italian dinner with a white table cloth. Once you have done an ex-boyfriend sweep on all social media accounts, take a 14-day digital detox from social media. This sounds insane I know but it really serves an important growth point. When you’re off social media, you will spend your time doing other things that make you happy rather than scrolling mindlessly through the internet feeling more and more depressed. Don’t cheat the power of this process. When you reemerge on social media on day 15 you are like a brand new butterfly ready to emerge and show off that glow up from the previous 14 days. When you get back on social media - make your first move changing your bio to “ Life rolls on, watch me go” and then post away. Don’t be surprised if you hear from him or his friends start stalking your profiles.
My ex’s new GF has no shame - she watches my stories and I wouldn’t be surprised if she checks my IG regularly. Like okay, girl that just means I made the right move dumping him.
Way too many people from my previous life with my ex still keep tabs on me and I know it’s because it’s something for them to discuss when they get together. You can say that’s narcissistic but I know that’s the case because when I was in the group and still dating my ex, that’s exactly what we did. We gossiped A LOT. It took me a long time to break that habit and to start seeing the good in people before the critical remarks started to creep in but I’m so happy to have left that toxic environment because everyone has a flaw - and if you throw the stone first then you know it will be coming back at you when you least expect it. Maybe this is my karma for the bad-mouthing I did behind people’s back when I was in that relationship. I was never a gossiper before I met him and he was a very toxic and critical human being, it was a habit of his and I picked it up while dating him. I don’t blame him, I take responsibility for myself but I’ve spent time sending love to that version of me and accepting that version of me and learning how easily I was influenced by the people around me at that time. It taught me a lot but especially who I don’t want to be. This is how I know they still talk about me, that they keep tabs on me, that they check-in and see the updates happening in my life. I was a part of it years ago - I know how they work. Sure they are entitled to the possibility they have moved on to better versions of themself but I don’t think they are beyond the “Chloé update” conversation. Besides I broke up with their best friend and a few years later started a dating consultancy and a dating podcast - I’d be curious if I was them too.
The takeaway -remember if you don’t draw the line then you are signing up to be the topic of discussion but if you create boundaries and enforce them then you’ll keep your circle filled with quality people that only want the best for you. This is rule #1 when building your tribe.
Dating Hotline Question # 2: How do I use social media to move on?
Oh man the are so many different things you can use social media to help you move on for example
Start your glow up - get your hair, skin, nails, and body in shape and harness that fresh off a breakup energy into HOT GIRL SUMMER and watch the male attention find you from every direction. Every woman knows this feeling
Slide into that hot guy’s DMs and spark a conversation with hot strangers. You’ll never have more confidence than you do post a breakup and that’s why you’re going to use it to get yourself a new date. Remember DMs only show a few words in the preview so start strong and don’t include small talk. If you HAVE to include it “because it works with your message” first puke me but then if you need to include it add it on the back end. But just know if you’re using small talk with someone you think is hot on IG then good luck cuz they will be just as unimpressed with your small talk rather than something about who they are. Think of IG like a dating profile - pull something from their page and discuss that don’t ever go in with small talk.
Change your narrative on your social media profile and start posting content from this new perspective. In other words, maybe you were using Instagram to post pictures of you and your now ex-boyfriends travel adventures - well now he’s gone and maybe you’re not traveling as much as you used to. This sounds so small but sometimes we unknowingly put an emphasis on the importance of social media - so if we go off it feels like we are disconnecting from our world. A way around this feeling is to change your strategy. If you’re a great baker - study how you can take great food pictures (you guys youtube or TikTok are the best places to quickly learn new skills with affordable entry points) and start taking high-quality pictures of your baked goods. Not only are you learning a new skill, but it’s also a skill that you get to showcase through another skill - you are feeding your passion by creating content that promotes your baking skills. Come on tell me you would be so happy with that -- if you were a homegrown baker. Now I get it, not everyone is a baker and not everyone will say that sounds like their ideal situation but think about how you could change your perspective on your social media. Start a new, fresh chapter for yourself on your social media signifying the end and beginning of something new.
Building upon that last point, you never know when your work could be ripe for a brand partnership. Follow your passions, create the ideas that come to your mind, and live your best life off social media so that it makes sharing your memories on social media that much easier
Last by not least, follow new accounts. Go out and create your vision board - follow accounts that will remind you of your goals so that you continually work towards them. Find the accounts that have the same aesthetic you're looking for, that have the same messaging that you live by, find the accounts of the lifestyle that you want - each one of these new accounts will provide inspiration and lead you closer to things that make you happy and as you start to move on and build your life on your own you are digitally surrounded by a supportive community cheering you on every step of the way.
Curves & Kisses We are swerving around these curves and blowing kisses as we go
Curve - Our curve this week goes out to these 3 things I need ladies to STOP doing if you like some guy
Don’t ever text him first. Men are natural-born hunters - and you are the prize so let him chase and you choose. And if he doesn't then he’s not that interested and there’s nothing you can do that will get him to be interested. Just move on to the next hot guy, I promise there are more and each guy will be different.
Mirror his effort - if he says “Hey” and nothing else - then just respond with “hey” you don’t need to ask him questions just match his energy at this point. Remember you want him to chase you -if you’re putting in the effort before he’s earned it you’ve got it backward.
Only answer the question that was asked - not the one you think he’s asking. For example, if he’s asking “hey what are you up to?” then just tell him what you’re up to. Don’t tell him who you’re with or where you’re at - you don’t need to add and overextend information. That’s a boyfriend privilege, not a “just dating” privilege.
Kiss - Our KISS This week goes to a conversation I had over the weekend. I was chatting with someone who was very new to the online dating world - they had only heard of Tinder but they weren’t familiar with other online dating apps. So when I started explaining the different apps and why you would choose one app over the other I had to talk about the quality of matches each of these platforms offers - Hinge has people who are looking for relationships an people who are looking to date until they meet the right person. Bumble has some quality people on there but the ghosting ratio makes it so not fun that it’s not really worth the hunting and Tinder well Tinder is basic, entry-level dating - the lowest form, the bottom of the barrel….
And that’s when she said “ so Tinder is basically the clearance rack of singles” and I said - precisely.
If you’re on Tinder - you should be shopping at a different rack if you’re looking for true partnership. Otherwise, we all know things that come off the clearance rack don't usually last that long.
I know I know the clearance rack sometimes can have a gem (I once found a Chloé bag at Nordstrom Rack. I asked the bag the same question, “now what are you doing here? Are you lost?” and then I proceeded to purchase it) But wait, do you really want to be shopping for your partner in the clearance section? NO, because you might just fall in love with a final sale item that looks great while you’re in the dressing room, and then when you’re home you try it on again and it doesn't fit right anymore but now you’re stuck with it. Dating should have a return policy.
Ok, that’s our show for this week - thank you for tuning in to Dating Hotline - presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - an online dating & relationship consultancy. This is your host Chloé Miller. Thank you to our music composer Andrew Langdon for our show music and to Nikolas Thorpe for composing our transition music. If there's something you want to talk about in the future episodes, there's a link in the show notes where you can submit your stories. Otherwise, you guys, DM me your dating questions, email me your thoughts, and please, please, please tell all of your friends to listen. Dating Hotline releases new episodes every Wednesday at 11 am CENTRAL. Please subscribe and leave us a review on Apple Podcast - we want 5 stars - and follow us on Spotify.
Outro