Ep 32: Dating App Etiquette

Dating Hotline, a podcast presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT

Dating Hotline

Ep. 32
Dating App Etiquette

SHOW NOTES

- DATING HOTLINE -
Ep 32: Dating App Etiquette

Host: Chloé Miller
Production: AND, SWIPE RIGHT INC.
Show Music: Andrew Langdon
Transition Music: Nikolas Thorpe

“The worst thing you could do is match with a bunch of people who liked you and then never talk with them because you are too busy with life and communicating with other people. The match and ghost is such a disappointment and honestly, this is a pain guys feel more often than girls."

-Chloé Miller
Founder, & CEO of AND, SWIPE RIGHT

 

EPISODE DESCRIPTION

In the 32nd episode of Dating Hotline presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - Chloé is moving across the country and sharing her dating app tips including dating app etiquette. Plus, she answers two popular dating questions: Question #1: I matched with like 10 people today and now I need to respond to each of them and I'm not interested in like half of them anymore. How do I get around this? Question #2: I’m traveling and so I’m only in town for a short bit, how do I communicate that I want to get together tonight if we just matched?

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TRANSCRIPT

Dating Hotline Podcast
EP 32: Dating App Etiquette

Hi Dating Hotliners - Today we are going to talk about dating app etiquette. We’ve talked about etiquette before but honestly, manners NEVER go out of style so let’s discuss. Ya ready? Let’s go. 

SHOW MUSIC

What’s up to you guys? How’s it going? Welcome to the 32nd episode of Dating Hotline, this is your host, Chloé Miller.  Dating Hotline is presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - an online dating & relationship consultancy. AND SWIPE RIGHT provides support to singles throughout all stages of dating with services like Dating & Relationship Coaching, private consulting appointments, Personal Styling services, custom dating profiles, and a texting service - AND, SWIPE RIGHT is setting a high-value standard in online dating by empowering single women and men with dating techniques.


Thank you for listening today and every week - Dating Hotline releases new episodes EVERY WEDNESDAY at 11 am Central Time. So go ahead and hit that subscribe button on Apple Podcast or Follow on Spotify that way you’ll automatically get our new episode every week. And you guys please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts. Your reviews help other people find Dating Hotline and then they listen to our show. Thank you for the 5-star rating! After you’ve left your review - send me a screenshot. I want to make sure to thank you appropriately. We post all of this information on the AND, SWIPE RIGHT website - Our show notes host links to the business & products we feature and other gems like our newsletter - check it out andswiperight.com
QT on Thursday is happening! Even though I’m in the middle of a cross country move - I’m not going to abandon you. Join us at 8 pm Central (7 pm Mountain time) on zoom, this week there will be plenty of laughs as we are playing an online version of cards against humanity. Who doesn’t love that game?! Also, shout out to Chris Marella because he found this gem AND he’s this week’s guest host. If you know you know. 


Guys - I’ve been on the road for 2 days and I’m in the middle of moving and I’m recording from my hotel. Packing was its own experience - I had a super organized plan to create an inventory and label each box so I knew exactly what was in each box as I was unpacking in my new place. Well, my moving date got pushed up two days and my whole plan of attack went out the window and I literally just started throwing shit in boxes. Do I regret not using more bubble wrap on my fragile things - absolutely especially after watching the movers pack my stuff in the truck and the box that was marked fragile was literally at the bottom of the stack sooooo we’ll see how this unpacking experience goes. As long as my stuff makes it there safely and intact I’ll be one happy girl!  But since I’m on the road I’ve been matching with a bunch of new guys. Which brings me to the conversation that we need to discuss dating app etiquette. We’ve talked about dating etiquette but let’s back up the conversation and talk about dating app manners.

Dating Hotline Question #1: I matched with like 10 people today and now I need to respond to each of them and I'm not interested in like half of them anymore. How do I get around this?


Just like we talked about rotations last week, your dating app matches are your pre-rotation rotation. In other words, this is the dugout for your dating life and the players on the field are the people you are dating in-person, IRL. (see what I did there - I see you baseball season) So, by that standard, I recommended you follow the rotation rules and keep your dating app roster small so you can give the attention that is necessary to each match and really see who is worth your time and who's not. 


The worst thing you could do is match with a bunch of people who liked you and then never talk with them because you are too busy with life and communicating with other people. The match and ghost is such a disappointment and honestly, this is a pain guys feel more often than girls and I have to commend you guys for persevering through this frustration. No one likes ghosting but we all know it’s sadly a part of modern dating. It sucks and it’s going to happen but the best way for you to combat this is to keep your roster short so you are not doing this to other people - guys and girls included.  We can’t control what happens to us but we can control what we do to other people and more importantly we can control how we show up. Don’t forget about your dating karma - what you put out there will inevitably find it’s way back to you.  But, ladies and gentlemen, if you’ve matched with someone and then they ghosted you - let me apologize for all of these matches. I am truly sorry you were not given the respect that you deserve at that moment.  


I get it - sometimes your bored and you’re like ok I have all of these people in my dating app waiting room (the figurative space before I match with them) and if I’m especially bored I’ll go through and match with a couple of them and if they don’t respond right away my interest in them will dissipate.
I say this because I’ve done this before. I did this, honestly, because I was bored and looking for attention at that moment. It’s the wrong approach to using a dating app because it’s not respecting the other person nor does it look good on you because if you’re looking for attention from an external source you’ve lost sight of the fact that your soul is asking you to give yourself attention first. Using a dating app for attention is selfish.  
This is why I want you guys to only open your dating apps when your intentions are to meet and date, when you open a dating app for the attention you are bound to fall into the match and ghost space because that attention-seeking energy will be replaced by the next activity that comes up in your day and now you’ve digitally-led someone on and worse, you’re going to leave them hanging which is the equivalent of a digitally standing them up. And take it from someone who did stand someone up IRL - it was the most disappointing action I’ve ever taken in my life. I regretted that at the moment, and I regret it to this day, I hurt someone else with my actions and I let myself down that day. Fortunately, the person allowed me the opportunity to make it up to them, but not everyone would be so willing to accept an apology and start over, but he was a good soul.

So my final thoughts on this Q -  don’t match with more than 3 -4 people a day. Just like rotations IRL, you will need to communicate with each of these people regularly because the goal is to get together for a date. So if you match with more than 3-4 people a day there are plenty of people that will slip thought he cracks and then you are burning through people in your dating pool for no reason other than you matched but never talked. And it would be a shame if one of those slipped through the cracks matches was someone you would have had a connection with….. 


Dating Hotline Question #2: I’m traveling and so I’m only in town for a short bit, how do I communicate that I want to get together tonight if we just matched?


I’ve talked about this before - I absolutely encourage you to move your dating app to where you are so you can live in the moment and snag a date anywhere you go. That said, if you are going to date people while you’re not in your permanent city then you should be expressing that point right off the bat. The last thing you want to do is spring that on your match after you’ve been chatting and vibing. The longer you wait to tell the other person the more awkward and uncomfortable the conversation will be. Plus if you don’t share this upfront you are playing with the trust you are establishing with this stranger. Don’t wait until you find the right moment to share this kind of information - you need to start the relationship off on this note so you both can feel like you’re seizing the opportunity for serendipity. 


Start the conversation off with something along the lines of “I’m in town for the weekend only let’s do something tonight, you down?”. The psychology behind this one is the same psychology used for retail sales - they are only available for a limited time and that brief opportunity for a good value motivates you to action and boom next thing you know you didn’t need anything but you’re walking out of the store with two bags because everything was on sale. Use this same thinking and strategy to create a sense of urgency upfront. “I’m only in town for 2 nights and I have to see you tonight because then that means I can see you tomorrow too. We haven’t even met but I know we’re going to vibe” that type of confidence - someone who knows what they want plus the FOMO of someone who will be gone in 48 hours means you are leading the other person to a yes or no answer and a lot of people like spontaneous activities. This strategy works in dating and it works in retail because we all want to feel like we got a good deal - the emotional win is sometimes bigger than the actual item. That's why with some negotiations, sometimes it’s not worth fighting over points - if both parties walk away happy that’s the bigger win. But in this case, you are the item on promotion and you have to entice your buyer to pick you out of the crowd. Guys - I’m using a shopping reference because women shop regularly and women’s brains are already conditioned to respond to a sale. Think about how you can flip this same thinking into creating urgency for your date and watch that person jump to meet you. Sometimes weekend romances can be a whirlwind of fun and it was all because you said yes. Every single person’s #1 life rule should be “always say yes”.


Curves & Kisses 
We are swerving around these curves & blowing kisses as we go


Curve -
Our curve this week goes to unmatching after a date. I know you are free to unmatch at any point but I feel like this is an especially a dick move. Like if you matched, chatted, and vibed enough to go on a first date then you connected with this person. If you unmatch after your date it’s a whole new level of rejection you’re sending to that person. They don’t get a notification that you unmatched - thank god - but they will know right away because your profile will no longer be in their matched section. It’s like going on an audition and then getting told to your face you didn’t get the part. It’s especially icy to cut that person off. Yes the first date is an audition for a second date but I absolutely 10/10 would rather the person tell me - this was fun but I didn’t feel the connection I’m seeking from my partner. 
If the other person did something to leave such a bad taste in your mouth after a first date that’s a different story and to be clear that’s not what I’m talking about right now. I’m talking about the first dates that were just ok, pretty blah, but then the next day or so you realize that they unmatched with you because they didn’t like you. They didn’t like the date and instead of just expressing that you’re not feeling it for a second date they just unmatch. 
Ya know how much ghosting hurts unmatching after a first date is the pendulum swimming in the other direction. It’s an extreme response to meeting someone and it’s not a kind way to wrap things up with someone. Don’t sneak out the backdoor of the dating app, if you’re mature enough to match and go on a first date - whether it’s virtual or in-person then you’re mature enough to communicate with the other person that you’re not interested in a second date rather than resorting to unmatching.
So at the end of the day - don’t use the unmatch feature as your way of telling someone that you’re not interested, it's much crueler than you think. Use your words and save your unmatch for the people that give you a reason to kick them out of your life. Ya know, the step before reporting but just like the report button - think carefully before taking action on unmatching. 

Kisses - 
Our kiss this week goes to all the new dating techniques and lessons I’m going to learn as I relocate my dating life to a new pool of men. And, you guys, I keep telling you how each city in America dates differently, we’ll go forward I’m going to share these differences as I experience them and that means I’m probably going to make some mistakes along the way as well so, fortunately, we can all benefit from these lessons. Like for example, do I drive to date or do I uber now that I’m living outside of a city with public transportation. To be clear, I never took public transportation to date so I don’t really know why that’s such a pressing question for me, but now living in a city that’s much more car dependent….does that change how I literally show up to dates? My guess, probably not. I’m still gonna uber my ass around but right now that means I need to redownload the uber app and I swear if I have to put in my credit card again I’m not redownloading the app…..covid man it’s changed everyone’s life so much and it’s been so long since I’ve ridden in an uber that my phone actually deleted the app. I should note that I had to wipe my phone last week - literally lost it all - but the app was gone long before this technological fresh start. It was as if the universe was like ok this Chicago chapter is over including everything on your phone. Time to start fresh. Sooooooo here’s to a great chapter Chicago, you will ALWAYS be in my heart and I invite you all out to Colorado and PLEASE let me know when you’re heading to Boulder, I’d love to take you out.

Ok, that’s our show for this week - thank you for tuning in to Dating Hotline - presented by AND, SWIPE RIGHT - an online dating & relationship consultancy. This is your host Chloé Miller. Thank you to our music composer Andrew Langdon for our show music and to Nikolas Thorpe for composing our transition music. If there's something you want to talk about in the future episodes, there's a link in the show notes where you can submit your stories. Otherwise, you guys, DM me your dating questions, email me your thoughts, and please, please, please tell all of your friends to listen. Dating Hotline releases new episodes every Wednesday at 11 am CENTRAL. Please subscribe and leave us a review on Apple Podcast - we want 5 stars - and follow us on Spotify. 


OUTRO

 
Chloé Miller, MA, LPC, MFTCAND, SWIPE RIGHTComment